Saturday, October 27, 2012

Survivor 25.02, "Don't Get Caught In The Headlights"


More Survivor?  Sure!  (Non-existent god help me, it's addictive.)

Previously on…Survivor:  We're in the Phllppines and we have stunt-casts!  And returning players!  Jeff (Kent) hurts his knee!  Probst tells us "experience was key" because both Russell and Jonathan found clues to the Right-In-Front-Of-Your-Stupid-Faces Immunity Idols, as if finding a clue in the freaking *rice bag* depended on "experience"! (Obviously the new castaways decided to let the vets do all the grunt work.  Skupin probably could have found Tandang's clue, but he would have cut himself on the rice or something.) Jonathan's tribe wanted him out! Abi, RC, and RC's enormous boobs formed an alliance!  Mike wanted Lisa to say who she really was so he could go "OMG I LOVE YOU BLAIR WARNER!" without sticking out too much!  Russell was a sucky leader and Matsing lost the challenge!  Zane had a crazy strategy and basically got himself voted off!  I don't know why I'm using exclamation marks!

Night 3 in Russell-tonia.  Russell says he was very nervous because he's never been so close to being voted out before.  Has he even been to Tribal Council before?  I knew 8 players from Galu made the merge in Season 19 (Purple Power!) but I don't recall if they started with 10, or just 9, which would mean that Russell was the only one they lost before the merge.  Russell says he's going to step back and let the others lead.

Of course, he said that *last* episode, too.

During the night, Miss Utah Teen Angie and Malcolm Has a Rock-Hard Middle cuddled.  Miss Utah Teen says it's just because it was cold, she's not looking to hook up, that's all it was.  Which of  course explains why she cuddled with the hot bartender, rather than the older woman or the black folks.  Surrrre.  Roxanne isn't buying this and is now focused on splitting up Mangie. Should have cuddled with Roxanne, Angie.  Show a sister some love.

Credits!  It's episode 2 and already we've removed the cast from the credits.  Ah, for the good old days where the credits for every episode of Survivor: Guatemala featured the wonder that was Zookeeper Cindy's Ass, in slo-mo.  Mmmm, Cindy's ass…where was I?

Day 4

At The Facts of Tandang, the men are climbing a tree (don't know why) while the wimmenfolk bemoan the fact that it's so wet they can't even start fire with their flint.  (Meanwhile, lest we forget, over at Russellvania, Russell and Malcolm made fire on Day 1 without any flint, and Russell has kept it going ever since.)  RC and her Righteous Chest decides to poke in the rice bag to be sure it isn't getting moldy, and she finds the clue.  She shares it with Abi's Brazilian Wax, because she says that she and Abi could be "the strongest twosome in our tribe".  I don't know, I'm kind of voting for RC's Righteous Chest, myself.

And, in fact, Abi is alreedy getting paranoid.  (Gurl. It's Day 4!)  She thinks RC and Mike talk too much.  She's worried RC will betray her.  She's worried that RC will roll over her in the shelter and smother her with those enormous boobs.  (Okay, I added that one.)  RC worries that Abi is a nutbar.  Thus endeth the great alliance.

Wounded Knee.  It's raining, so they sit in the shelter and play checkers, which is fine with Jeff, who would rather rest his knee, after all.  Jonathan, however, wants to search the camp for the Not-At-All-Hidden Immunity Idol  Fortunately the rain intensifies and everyone else beats it for the cave, leaving Jonathan to repeat from the clue "It's right under your nose"…as he moves the box with the Idol on top of it out of the way to start searching.  Ha-ha!

The newbies can't start fire with the tinder in the cave so they come back for the flint.  Dawson finds Jonathan underneath the shelter bench and he lies he was looking for a contact lens.  Dawson buys this and runs off to play with Joey Potter or something.

FINALLY, the penny drops and Jonathan remembers that the bull carving on the rice box has an enormous snout.  Because it wasn't obvious enough without the "nose" clue, I guess.  He pries off the Idol, dances for joy, then remembers Ozzie and James looking like idiots getting blindsided with Idols in their pockets, and promises that won't happen to him.  Well, he does have more brains than Ozzie…but then again, so does the picture of the bull.

Day 5

Mangie cuddled again during the night and now Roxanne is truly pissed.  She wants Angie gone and tries to make an alliance with Russell, who is receptive, and with Denise…who is not receptive because she's in an alliance with Malcolm.  Huh?  Denise, if Angie goes, that means Malcolm is all yours.  Clearly Denise, being a prostitute (er, "sex therapist"). has had too many threesomes.

At Nick at Mike, the group huddles in the shelter from the rain and talks about food.  Lisa is practically cringing at having to make conversation.  She tells us she's shy, and when she's acting, she can hide behind a role, but in real life, she withdraws and doesn't let anybody in.  Kind of sad for age 47, and couldn't be a bigger "I'm a self-closeted lesbian in denial" speech if she found Nancy McKeon over the hill, wearing nothing but a strap-on and a smile.  She runs off and the others think she's searching for the "Hidden" Idol because she's on the outs with "our 5" (as RC kindly lies, not telling Artis that he's dead meat after Lisa)…when she's actually sitting on the well and crying.  Sigh.

Lisa tells us that she's been on her own since age 12, when she moved to L.A. to be on the (second, failed version of) The Mickey Mouse Club. (Post Frankie and Annette, pre-Britney/Christina/Justin/Gosling)  And now she doesn't know what to do.  Who's the loser of the tribe and soon to be sent home? L-I-S! A W-H! E-L-C-H-E-L!

(It should be pointed out that the last older woman to flip out this early was Holly in Nicaragua, and she nearly won the game.  It should also be pointed out that Holly was playing against two quitters.)

Russellstan, and it's constantly raining (and yet they still have fire!) and Roxanne is cracking, too.  She's  a seminary student, and uses her church as a support group, and now she feels so isolated, blahblahblah.  The sun comes out and Roxanne praises God.  (Whouldn't that mean He also made the rain?  Just sayin'.)  She then starts praying in a different language, and Denise and Russell chat in the international language (gossip) and wonder if Roxanne is worth keeping.

Denise further interviews that God doesn't determine who wins Survivor.  Bite your tongue, whore! Next thing, you'll be saying that God doesn't care if the Packers win the Super Bowl.  Blasphemy!  Out, Harlot!

Challenge!  It's for immunity (no separate reward challenge this early?  Boo!) and Facts of Tandang and Wounded Knee get to see that inZane got voted out last episode.  Katie raises an eyebrow, which immediately doubles her screentime in the episode so far.

The challenge involves retrieving puzzle pieces with a sled.  Since three runs will be needed and only two people pull the sled at a time, the question is who will do double duty.  (Only four people are pulling, the fifth is a "caller" who will direct the puzzle assembly.)  Jeff volunteers himself and Carter for double duty, bad knee or not.  Mike and Pete will make two trips, but for Matsing, only Russell wants to make two runs.  He can't go with Malcolm because two girls pulling the sled is gonna be a recipe for disaster.  But none of the girls want to do two trips, either.  

Jeff/Carter and Mike/Pete zip through leg 1, but Russell/Miss Utah Teen struggle, banging into the course and losing their pieces and generally sucking ass.  On leg 2, Roxanne quits halfway through but Malcolm pulls the sled all by himself and even catches Artis/RC for 2nd, as Jonathan/Katie pull away.  On leg 3, because Miss Utah Teen (who supposedly ran track in high school, or so she said last episode) is so useless, Russell ties the two pull-ropes together, creating a single rein for him to strap across his chest.  This brilliant idea looks less brilliant when he trips over the rope before even starting the leg, but he does a decent job keeping up and they have a chance as we start the puzzle.

Lisa does a good job directing Nick at Mike, Denise does an okay job as Team Russell plays catch-up…and nobody listens to Dana as Wounded Knee falls behind.  When we reach the third stage (the part of the puzzle  closest to the caller) Artis and Mike also start coaching Pete and RC, and Facts of Tandang wins!  Guess Lisa will get some more crying sessions on the well, after all.

Jeff Kent looks over at Matsing's progress (never take your eye off the ball, Jeff!) and Dana's "calling" doesn't extend much beyond scratchily rasping "put 'er thar! Raht thar!", but Jonathan sees the solution and gets Wounded Knee finished.  And so Mat-suck gets a return ticket to tribal.  (The other two teams also get tarps and Mike's team gets blankets as well, in case you cared.  Or even if you don't.)

Jeff interviews Russell who's "pissed off!" because some of his tribemates aren't committed.  "Either go hard or go home!" he perorates, as Denise nods her head vigorously.  Yes, way to scorn the girls who actually ran the course while you sat on your caller platform, whore.  You know, none of this would have happened if you had prayed to God.  God hates you, you trollop.

So it seems to be either Angie or Roxanne going, because they both sucked in the challenge, and Angie has a showmance and Roxanne might be cracking up.  Russell wants to keep Roxanne because she's his spy around camp.  Mal wants to keep Angie because she has nice breast implants 

And very implanty they are, keeping a perfect half-sphere shape even when Angie is flat on her back.
 So Godless Prostitute Denise looks to be the swing vote.

Malcolm and Angie note Roxanne campaigning to Russell.  They had just "assumed" that Roxanne would be voted out because she "does nothing around camp" (one of those shiftless Negros, apparently) but now Malcolm realizes that the cuddling has made them (okay, Angie) a target.  He says he wants to avoid it, but "I'm only flesh and blood!"  Yes, and one particular piece of his flesh gets engorged with blood when Angie rubs against him…

Russell campaigns to Denise, saying that he has to think about what's next.  If they lose another challenge, it would be Malcolm/Angie against the two of them, which probably means that Russell's going home.  Of course, he's assuming he's allied with Denise when she's actually allied with Malcolm, and Russell basically told her she's safe next time.  But she doesn't like being the odd one out with Malcolm and Angie, so…

Matsing heads to tribal, and I belatedly realize that their tribe color is purple.  (Wounded Knee is red and I Dream of Blair is yellow, which explains the banana-bras.)  I think the baby-blue "war paint" last episode threw me off, but Russell is even wearing the same purple shirt from three years ago.  As they've now lost more Immunity challenges in two episodes than Galu did in their entire season, clearly this isn't Purple Power.  "Purple Putzes"?  Hmm, has possibilities.

Tribal Council!  Probst notes how angry Russell was after the challenge and says it was as though he was accusing the other tribe members.  Russell says he's really intense and Swing Vote Denise agrees that it's frustrating to lose.  Probst asks Roxanne to finish the sentence "If I could change one thing about this tribe, it would be that…"  Roxanne says they shouldn't be spending their energy working so hard around camp.  (She's being strategically lazy, y'all!)  Jeff sees Denise nodding, but it's not a "Roxanne is so right" nod, she explains, it's more of a "of course she's gonna say that" nod.  Denise actually thinks that having shelter, fire and water would help them in the challenges. Weirdo.  Roxanne rolls her eyes at this.

"It's bad enough I have to sleep at the camp, I'm not gonna work there, too!"
Probst asks Angie the same question.  She hesitates, clearly reluctant to say that what she would change is "That Roxanne not be so lazy and whiny" or something like that, and settles on "That we could have cookies!", going for cute and funny.

This…does not go over well with the Swing Vote:



Or with Jeff Probst, who is known to hold women's intelligence in such high esteem:



Probst tries to get Malcolm to attack Angie about the answer, but he demurs.  Russell, otoh, says Angie is a lovely girl, but at 20, she's still fresh from being Miss Utah Teen, and perhaps not cut out for this.  Probst gives Roxanne an opening to call out the showmance between Malcolm and Angie (who have oh-so-cleverly seated themselves as far apart as possble), and she does.  Malcolm tries to be cool and charming like Matthew McConnaughey, and runs off to get sweaty on a "boys' vacation" with Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal…I mean, he claims there's nothing between him and Angie, just snuggling for warmth, and "she's like a little sister to me".  Roxanne goes "creepy", which may be the first incest implication I've ever heard on this show.  She calls Angie "an attractive girl" (Bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp?) and says she wouldn't cuddle with her "brother".  Angie says she's just cold and "I would cuddle with you [Roxanne], but…" and Roxy demurs.  So no bamp-chicka-bamp-bamp after all.  Oh, well.

Russell says a showmance is dangerous because it's the tightest alliance you could ever have.  Probst, not a chauvinist at all, asks Angie if she understands this, not condescendingly at all.  Angie just says Roxanne has her opinion and she can't change it for her.

Probst, champion of women's rights and not at all a misogynist prick, tells Angie to "WAKE UP", with some helpful visual aids:

"WAKE UP", girls!  Jeff Probst is your worst nightmare.
Great, now I have to root for the Possibly-Racist Bimbo with the Implants.  Thanks, Probst.  Sigh.  Malcolm is more like "I have a good bond with Russell and Denise, so hopefully they don't mind what Roxanne is saying, because Roxy's ass is out of here tonight, anyway."

Voting!  Malcolm mutters "That was fun", as he reaches the voting station.  Roxanne votes out Angie, saying "I have to call a spade a spade" (apparently not realizing the racist origins of that phrase) and "Shalom".  (So that *was* Hebrew she was saying on the beach?  I wasn't sure.  Huh.)

Angie votes.  Emphatically!!!!

"Every exclamation point counts as another vote, right?"

And then she posts that she REALLY, REALLY doesn't like Roxy on her Facebook page.  Well, okay, no, but she does say "I can't stand you and I won't miss you" to her soon-to-be ex-tribe-mate (no matter how the vote goes).  Probst goes to "tally the vote"/whack his tallywhacker, washes his hands, and comes back.  We see Angie's vote for "Roxy!!!", Roxy's vote for Angie, and two more Roxy votes.  She gets snuffed, Probst says platitudes, and the tribe moves out.

Next episode, Mike bleeds!  I know, you're shocked.

WRAP-UP:  Not sure I like having obvious grunt-work challenges with such small tribes;  it's like the producers are punishing Matsuck for voting InZane out, instead of one of the silly wimmenfolk, the way Probst no doubt thought they should have.  Well, they've made up for that now.

Somehow, I don't think Jonathan is going to "dance all the way to the final with the Idol in [his] pocket".  He tends to be over-optimistic, in case you hadn't noticed.

Leave a comment or Abi will think you're leaving comments with Mike instead, and be VERY jealous.  Hell hath no fury like a lunatic Brazilian imagining she's been scorned, don't you know?

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