The Amazing Race 21.03, "There's No Crying In Baseball"

Previously on the Amazing Race…we had a very shitty Leg where everybody basically sat around until the Detour, then chose the same option (with one exception) and so the Leg was almost entirely deteremined by Taxi Luck.  The very annoying Twin Terrors won, and got the (belated) Express Pass, and Legs & Dregs were eliminated, breaking non-prosthetic hearts across the country.  Nine teams are left…who will be eliminated (much as the last Leg should have been)…next?

Credits.  I notice that when the Blandes high-five (in front of the rappel practice wall in their ID shot), they pretty much half-ass it.  How…blande.

Surabaya is the 2nd largest city on Java. The (Phil doesn't bother to say the name again) Market is the largest Fish Market in Surabaya.  The Twins won the Express Pass.  The Twins annoy me.  The Twins are leaving at 6.07 am.  Feel the apathy.

They're going to a restaurant to get their next clue (surely not another eating task so soon?) and run around, asking if anyone speaks English.  When they find someone, he says they're headed the wrong way.  Oh, well.  Oh, and there's a U-turn ahead.  (More than one, if you remember the teaser from last episode.)

Fuck 'em, Horns!  is leaving at 6.12 am (so they did get decisively beat by the Twins last ep). The Twins have actually stopped to wait for their allies, which doesn't seem much like "racing" to me, but maybe at 6.10 am, they figure it's going to be a bunch, anyways.  They point Trexi in the right direction and then say they should wait for "the Strippin' Chippendales" (okay, points for rhyme) because, hey, why not let everybody catch up?

The Strippendales (mashups are shorter) are leaving at 6.16.  In their pre-race interview, Jaymes says they live in Las Vegas but "don't let Vegas  fool you", they are "good people" from small towns in Virginia and Maine, respectively.  Yes, as opposed to all the evil big city folk who put guns to the Ja(y)mes Gang's heads and made them [s]suck dick[/s] be strippers.  Shut. Up.  "Good people", for fuck's sake.  Where's LumberRob's axe?  They congratulate themselves for being in an alliance with the other two lead teams. Oy.

Domineering Divorcee Ryan (and Abbie) leave at 6.19 am.  Ryan says it's tough to race with someone you're dating because he and Abbie are naturally competitive, even with each other.

'I'm not trying to compete with you, Aggro Boy;  I'm just trying not to get trampled.'

They are glad to have caught up (well not "caught", exactly, as the other teams are STILL waiting around, now 12 minutes after the Twins started "racing") and Ryan interviews that the other teams won't be their challenge, it's each other.  And then he puts her in a headlock.

Man, nothing says good wholesome fun more than nearly choking your partner!  (And yet, still one of my favorites right now)

Nineteen minutes after they started, the Twins find a cop who tells them the restaurant is far, and they'll have to grab cabs.  The four lead teams do, with the Twins now in fourth.  

The Goat Gays leave at 6.26, and if I sound as though I'm less thrilled with them, well…I am, as I've recently found out they're a stunt-cast team, and they have a cooking show on one of the food networks.  Yep, millions of gay couples in the country, but you need stuntcasting, huh, show?  Sigh.

In an interview, Josh says the teams have separated, with the top four being "Alpha" teams that are really focused on winning, and the back five "just trying to do our best".  Jeez, way to bury four of your fellow teams, Josh.  Personally, I think James/Abba have run a strong race, they've just had some blowouts.  And conversely, I think Monster Tool Rob is just as much an "Alpha" a-hole as anyone else; he's just not performing well because he's old, fat, and stupid, too.

This also counts as perpetuating the "gays can't be competitive" stereotype these two have been working.  Alexander the Great conquers a kingdom in protest.  They get a cab, seemingly with less difficulty than the "Alpha" pack ahead of them.

James and Abba leave at 6.34.  Abba says the other teams think they're out of shape, but that's not true.  Well, all that hair probably would increase wind-resistance in a sprint, I'm thinking.  They also get a cab.

Texi get to restaurant and find that it's a Roadblock, about a "balanced" meal.  Lexi takes it, probably thinking that she's going to have to demonstrate balance (which is easier for women), but actually she has to balance 20 plates in her arms and schlep them to a table to serve.  Anything drops and she can just pick it off the floor and hand the broken plates to the diners, no problem!  Oh, wait, that was the stupid "we accept broken ice" detour that cost Legs & Dregs the race last episode…sorry.  Here, more logically, you drop 'em, you're back to square one.

Team Lovelock, Strippers Against Cancer, and the Goat Gays all converge on the Clue box, the Twins having been swallowed up by the Earth. (I hope, anyhow.)  Brent, Ryan, and Jaymes will take it.  (Well, James dumps it on Jaymes, to be precise.)

Lexi has her finger caught between two plates and it hurts!  Awww, she's as cute as a kitten.  (Also, as smart, but you can't have everything.)

Abbie notices that her eardrums aren't exploding from "encouraging" shouts of "TWINNY!!!" and deduces that Natty/Naddy are lost.  Yep, Taksi luck is against them this episode, and they even drop their driver without knowing where they can get another.

Are you ready for some Blandes?  It's 7.08, and Caitlin and Brittany are getting under way.  In their pre-race interview, they talk about how tough they are and that they don't cry.  Which I assume means that they'll be crying this episode.  Eh, too bad it won't be the Twins.

Oh, and at least Caitlin has learned a local word for "fast".  It sounds like "Shabat"…which would be an interesting coincidence.

Lexi carries her plates over, gets 4 of the 20 on the table and the rest fall to the floor. Ryan and Jaymes (armed with long arms and broad hands) seem to be handling this well, as is Brent, except that he's enjoying bantering with the customers so much he lets a single plate slip through his fingers.  Skip the repartee, Gertrude Stein…just serve.  

(No sign of James and Abba yet;  hope they're not following the Twins' cab.)

Jaymes finishes the Roadblock, with Ryan right behind.  They have to go to the train station and take a trip, keeping an eye out for their next clue during the ride.  As I don't know how many trains the clue distributors can be on, this makes me wary of a mid-leg bunch, which always sucks.  We'll see…

Rock 'n Abba pull up, and Abba's taking this one.  Lexi finishes and squeals with delight.  Brent finishes, still with perhaps too much of a flourish.  Abba knocks it out and heads out.  All these teams are off to the train station.

The Twins finally find the restaurant, and Nadiya runs right past the Clue Box in the lot.   Perhaps as punishment, Natalie makes her do the Roadblock.

It's only 7.22 am, and Monster Tool (and Kelley) are starting.  They get a cab.

Cabs arrive at the station:  Texi, Goat Gays, Lovelock, and Strippendales.  They find out the next train is at 7.36.  Will James and Abba be able to stay with the lead pack?  Do you want them to win?  (I Do, I Do, I Do!)

Nadiya is fumbling with the plates, and the Blandes arrive, with Brittany somewhat unenthusiastically taking the Roadblock. Natty screeches.  Nadiya spills the plates all over the table and some hit the floor.  Caitlin tells Brittany to stay calm, which is a tactic the Twins would never even consider.

7.32 and Gary and Will are leaving, starting 1hr 25mins behind the (original) lead team, who they might catch up to before long.  They talk about how difficult the Race is, but Will still expresses optimism as they get a cab.

"Chattarunga, Naddy!" Natalie screams.  Apparently it's their "code word" for relax (wouldn't "relax" be simpler?) and we hear Nadiya say "when Natty screams, I relax", which may be the most oxymoronic thing I've heard in a while.  Anyhow, fuck Nadiya…*I* need to relax.  So, stop screaming, Natalie.

Nadiya finishes as Monster Tool arrives.  Rob is taking the Roadblock, and Brittany finishes soon after.

Rob can do this in his sleep;  He just loads the plates on one arm, and balances them against his gut, and knocks it right out.    Piece of cake.  (Which he may eat on the way out, I'm not sure.)

Gary and Will arrive and Gary will (heh) do it, a wise choice as it turns out, given that his arm is as long as Will's entire body.

We jump to the train station, and jump back at least seven minutes, to 7.25 AM.  (SubstiTeam didn't get started until 7.32, remember.)   James and Abba arrive, and get on the train.  Somehow, the Twins get there before 7.36, and while Nadiya shrills "tell the train to wait", scheduled rail lines rarely work like that, and they get left behind.

Heh-heh-heh.

Ohhh, the next train doesn't leave until 10.55.  Sucks to be you, Twinnies!  And also SubstiTeam, Monster Tool, and the Blandes, but I can really lose any of those, much as the Blandes might have some potential.  On the train, Ryan gets the schedule information, and Abbie, Lexi, Jaymes and MegaJames flash some serious grins.  Can't blame any of them

I'm so jazzed, this almost makes me like Jaymes.

Meanwhile, the Twins are sad. Awww. 

"Awww" meaning "heh-heh-heh", I should clarify.

On the Road (er, Train) to Bangil, four of the teams make a pact not to use the U-Turn.  But James/Abba, as "lone wolves" are sitting in the back of the train, and are not included.   Well, Jaymes, you could go ask them, you know…no?  No, I guess.  Meantime, Rock 'n' Abba seem to notice all the commotion up front and are wondering why the other teams aren't looking for their next Clue, as they were told to do.  (Of course, they're mostly looking out the window, which is a decent guess, but happens to be wrong here;  the Clues will come with a vendor on the train.

Back at Surabaya, the Blandes and Monster Tool arrive as the Twins are confirming that the next train is quite a ways away.  Brittany gets a local to talk to the desk agents, and confirms that the other teams are ahead of them.

Gary finishes the Roadblock, not that he needed to rush.

On the train, the Racers are alert enough to spot the (giant, obvious) Clues with the vendors and learn of the Detour:  "Lion's Head" or "Egg Head".  Would you rather wear a ginormous ceremonial lion costume and walk/dance in a parade, or hold a coconut  half on your head which is then used as a fire pit to cook some eggs?  The eggs seem easier, but only the Goaters go for that.

Gary and Will reach the train station, glad of the mini-bunch.

The first train gets to Bangil, and everybody (as provided in the Detour clue) climbs into a "betcha" (betcha it's not actually spelled that way…), a two-person bicycle cab.  The Ja(y)mes Gang, who are apparently 6'4" each, have trouble fitting in the betcha, with Jaymes saying that at one point he wound up on James's lap and it looked like they were on a honeymoon.

Yup.  GHAY :)

The Goaters head for the market and everyone else is at the park for the parade.  The Strippendales are excited to be dancing, a guy with a whip makes Ryan nervous (see how you like it, dude!) and the parade is underway.  Turns out that you have to balance the lion headress on your mouth, so Jaymes starts running on about how he can taste the people who've done this before and "I must have made out with 947 Indonesian dudes today".  

Okay, possibly homophobic and self-closeted.  But still gay.

The Goaters get their eggs, but the dancers have already finished the parade, so I guess the trip to the egg market made this the bad option.  Ryan kisses Abbie in appreciation (see? He's not always crazy) and MegaJames pronounces it "a hot time in the old lion tonight" as they all head for a building at a road intersection.

The Goaters start serving as human hotplates.  Back in Surabaya, train # 2 gets underway.  In a post-race interview, Caitlin talks about how knowing how few teams there were in the back of the pack raised the stakes, but makes confident noises about their ability to rise to the occasion.  However, Brittany doesn't look so happy and nobody else is getting interviewed like this, so I'm thinking the Blandes are dead meat.  Dead blande meat, but still. 

Damn, why can't it be the Twins?  You tease, Race, you tease…

The four lead teams find the intersection, find the double-blind U-turn, don't use it, and get the clue to go to a local high school.  Lovelock gets there first, and wins a trip to Fiji.  And Abbie "WHOO!!"s just as loudly as Ryan, so perhaps she is as competitive as he is.  I just hope she knows how to put a chokehold on his johnson, just in case.

Texi are second and they compliment Lovelock, saying they knew Ryan and Abbie would be their toughest competition.  Ryan demurs, but Trey and Lexi are ready.  Bring it on!  (As long as it's not math-related, I'm thinking.  Or spelling.)

Josh and Brent eat their head-omelets and head to the U-turn.

James and Abba get lost on the grounds of the school and the Strippendales run past them to finish…third.  Clearly, they were hoping they were first, but no such luck.  James and Abba take fourth, their highest placing to date even though this is the first Leg they haven't led at any time.

On the second train, various teams fret about the U-Turn.  Meantime, Josh and Brent won't use it.  

Everyone on the train gets the Detour clue and they all chose the lion.  Which is a wise choice, seeing how Josh and Brent fared doing the eggs.  Speaking of them, they finish fifth, their "first or fifth" gamble having not benefited them, but not hurt them, either.

The second train pulls into Bangil and three teams barrel off the train and into the "betchas" which are now called "doucats" for a reason I can't begin to comprehend.  All except SubstiTeam, who are screwed both by luck (their part of the train wasn't against the platform, so they had a harder dismount), poor planning (this is why you stay close to the other teams, guys) and stupidity, as they don't know what the "doucats" are and since the other teams have already left, they waste time before figuring that it must be the bicycle carts swarming around them.

The Blandes' cabbie doesn't have change and doesn't do a great job of explaining the fare to them, so Brittany kind of loses it, before finally getting the right figure (allegedly) and paying him.  And that's why, when you have three hours to kill at a train station, you change your money so you have all denominations.  Plan ahead, girls!

Still, they're ahead of SubstiTeam.  The Twins finish the Lion Head, as do Monster Tool (so it's looking as though the two teams I hate are safe…sigh), and then they try and build "suspense" by intercutting the Blandes and GW, but Caitlin and Brittany clearly are in front.

Off to the U-Turn, and the Twins won't use it. Natalie does linger to look at their picture and pronounce it "cute", which gets her back some points with me, but a shrilled "Natty, come ONNNNNN!" and they're off again.  

Rob and Kelley arrive, and Kelley thinks that only SubstiTeam is behind them, so they U-Turn G/W just in case they can't find the Pit Stop or something. Reasonable.  (I guess she didn't see Brittany's fight with the cab driver, huh?)

The Blandes finish, with Caitlin constantly having to wheedle Brittany, who looks to be dragging. They get in their whatever and head to the intersection.  Gary and Will finish the parade.

The Twins run into the school, and finish sixth.  Rob and Kelley and their wheeled luggage finish seventh, once again surviving a duel for the "last spot" that actually wasn't.  Still, they're showing some resilience.

We still have seven minutes of show left, so it's a pretty good bet that the Blandes do NOT get to the U-Turn next…darn.

And, indeed, their driver gets lost and they have to switch whatevers.  So Gary and Will get to the Double-Blind-U-Turn (the DBUT) first and here the "blind" aspect pays off in an unexpected way;  since they don't know who U-Turned them, they don't know that Monster Tool is ahead of them, and they can't decide whether to U-Turn them or the Blandes.  Gary argues for Monster Tool, but leaves the decision in Will's hands, and Will chooses…commercial!

(And, cheap suspense, but not a great Leg, so understandable.)

And…they U-Turned Monster Tool!  Whoops.  Meanwhile, the Blandes are stil having bad luck…gee, remember when SELF-navigation was a big part of this race?  (As recently as last season.)  Here we are, finishing up Leg 3, and there hasn't been a single "drive yourself" clue yet.  Sigh.  (Or even "make your way on foot", which is essentially the same thing.)

Stll, the Blandes have managed to arrive at the park where the egg-heading is going on.  I think part of their problem was they kept saying the name of the building ("Perliman") they were looking for, when the clue was specific about the three intersecting streets.  That seems to have been a better clue. 

Okay, so we do get some funny, as Gary and Will are all "enjoy the experience, we're probably dead" cruising through the egg-head, not realizing the Blandes are maybe 500 feet away and freaking out.  Finally Caitlin (I think) reasons that the U-Turn can't be a the site of the second Detour option, but is more likely to be equidistant and they went past it.  They leave, and get to the U-Turn right after SubstiTeam finishes the eggs.

The Blandes speed off and head for the school…only to end up right back at the U-Turn, which really has to be a failure on the part of the driver;  I mean, he knew they didn't want to go in a circle, right?  Brittany is really stewing now, saying how frustrating it is that the driver didn't speak English and doubtless earning the wrath of all the "ugly American!" decriers on various forums.  But hey, it WAS frustrating, and it's not as if she said he SHOULD have spoken English, just that it was a problem.  "For the love of God, Shapat!" Brittany groans to the driver.

And they're still ahead of SubstiTeam, who has been sucking so strongly now, it's surprising they've made it this far.  

Or at least that's what the editing tells us, but the next time we see the Blandes they're coming up behind the Substitutes, after all.  So either their driver got lost a third time, or they jiggled the editing here a little.

The girls go into "be vewy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits" mode and then as they creep up behind the SubstiTeam whatever, they urge their drive to pass, which he does…and pulls away…and then goes the wrong way at a fork in the road, allowing Gary and Will to reach the school first.  So that's three, maybe four screwups for this genius. Sigh.

Gary and Will can't find Phil for a few seconds, but they eventually stumble in, placing eighth and quite rightly crediting "nothing but luck" for their survival.  The Blandes arrive eventually, and get bounced.  Ouch.

NEXT EP:  Off to Dhaka, Stripper James has to paint a bus, and Monster Tool is on a slow boat to (hopefully) oblivion.  I would say "probably not", but the Blandes did bite it this Leg, so maybe that will be two consecutive spoilers?  I can only hope.

WRAP-UP:  Another mediocre Leg, where horrible Taksi Luck overcame shitty racing and a bad U-Turn decision by the Scrubs (easier than "SubstiTeam", conveys the same message, and has a more pejorative tone, IMO).  Really not a great start to the season;  usually by this point, there's been a kick-ass leg, I think. Race 18 started with an über-leg, Race 19 had the double-elim in episode 2 and the Temple-puzzle roadblock in ep 3, and last season had the kickass episode 3 I mentioned last review.  This is just poorly-designed and too luck-dependent;  the Race needs (or needed, as I'm watching after the fact) to pick it up, and fast.

Leave a comment or Gary and Will will U-Turn you.  (It probably won't make any difference, but why should that stop them?)

The Amazing Race, 21.02 "Long Hair, Don't Care"

Previously on The Amazing Race…CBS seemed to be really cracking down on the downloading of episodes for whatever reason, so we had to wait days for last season's eps, when I was trying to watch them ASAP because I'm a Brenchel fan and because I wasn't doing reviews.  Then came the final episode, that wasn't even available in .mp4 and the .avi version was twice as big as it needed to be and the audio-sync was way off.  But at that point I was just glad to get the episode, plowed through it, and we were done with the season.

Then, episode 1 of this season had an .mp4 version that kept freezing and an .avi version that was more than double the size it needed to be (800+ MB for an hour show? Ridiculous!) and had the same sound issues.  After stopping my review for weeks, I found a way to fix the sound at the point where it was most annoying me (hearing the results of the ping-pong before seeing the actual shots) and plowed through the rest of the episode.  What I didn't mention in the last review, though, is that the sync issue got progressively worse as the episode went on, so that by the end it was all fucked up again.  (And a rewatch of the S20 finale confirmed that this had been the case as well.)  With the ∆ between the audio and video tracks growing incrementally, adjusting the baseline was essentially useless.  I certainly don't want to go through that again, but…for episode s21e02, the .mp4 is freezing up AGAIN, so I may have to rely on the .avi, no matter what condition the sound is in.

But…it turns out that re-processing the .mp4 through my conversion program seems to fix the problem, and the "Previously…" segment flowed smoothly.  So long as the sound on *this* doesn't get skewed wrongly as well, we're good.  And the resulting file is a semi-reasonable 492MB, which still isn't the 350 it should be, but beats the eff out of 864MB for a crappy .avi, no doubt. And I can even go back and download/re-process an .mp4 of 21.01, yay!  (Not sure what can be done about last season's finale, though.)

Oh, wait, that's "Previously on 'Watching the Amazing Race on a Computer is Driving Jess Cray-Cray'", my bad.   Anyway, with ranting and problems (hopefully) finished, on with the actual Race!

Previously on The Amazing Race:  12 teams jumped off a bridge in Pasadena, annoyed that the tangible benefit of the Express Pass had been replaced with the unlikely windfall of a double prize, should the team that wins Leg 1 take the whole Race.  Teams included a pair of Annoying Twins, some Bland Blondes, a SubstiTeam, a gay couple that felt compelled to perpetuate anti-athletic stereotypes (tell it to the LPGA, boys!), the second-string bass player for Megadeth, a girl wtih no legs and the semi-stalker she's basically stuck with, this season's iteration of the Overly-Aggro 30-something Divorced Dude, Texas Twits, Strippers Against Cancer, and two middle-aged dudes named "Rob", of whom the less-annoying turned out to be the control freak who likes to carry an axe.  He got axed, unfortunately, and now 10 teams are left.  Who will be eliminated (not by Lumber Rob's axe)…next?

Phil phills us in that Shanghai is the world's largest city (really? It passed Tokyo and Mexico City? When?) and also the fastest-growing. Is that a good thing? If you're that populated already, don't you want to do something about the congestion? 

The Dominating Divorcees won Leg 1, meaning they might make an extra million, or Legs & Dregs's over-sharing might cost them a second milliion (or one of the eight other teams might win the Race, making the whole point moot), and they'll be leaving at 5.35 a.m.  (It's  totally bright, though, as this was filmed in the summer.) We're leaving China already, and flying to Surabaya, Indonesia—insta-Bunch! Can't let the Strippers be in danger two legs in a row, you know.  Oh, and the Express Pass isn't dead, after all…it's the prize for winning Leg 2.  Huh.

Legs and Dregs leave at 5.36, of course.  They rehash Leg 1, but that's over…let's move on.

The Bland Blondes (the Blandes? Let's try that for a bit) leave at 5.41.  They get a cab without giving me a reason to write anything more, thus justifying their name.

Natty/Naddy leave at 6.05, and Natalie promptly butchers the pronunciation of Surabaya, somehow not seeing the "r" and opting for "Subaya".  They get a cab, yell annoyingly at the driver (of course…) and interview that they're used to adversity, what with their being half-Tamil and half-…the other side of the Sri Lankan civil war. (Sorry. Where's Gary when I need him?)  They also say that they're used to the Third World, so that will be an advantage for them.  Well, they don't seem to know much about Indonesia, though.

Monster Ego (and Kelley) leave at 6.08 (huh, right behind the Twins despite Natty's little attempt  at deception) and Rob does a better job of pronouncing "Surabaya" than the Sri Lankans, for what that's worth.  He interviews that Kelley used to be married to his (Rob's) best friend, who was killed in a Monster Truck accident (sheesh, what a way to go…) and Rob swooped in and hit that.  Er, I mean he was there, comforted her and they fell in love.  It's meant to be heartwarming, not skeevy.   (IMO, it's a little of both.  I don't know if I'd like to be having sex with Kelley and thinking about my dead best friend having done this before, or how I'm only with her because my friend is dead…just saying.)

The first five teams get to the airport.  Most teams are on the 10.05 non-stop on Garuda Airlines, but Rob has found the 8.20 Cathay Pacific flight, connecting through Hong Kong.  Well, that might be good, depending on how long the window is for changing flights in Hong Kong and if there's a geographical detour involved.  Seems a little risky, but he's attracted to the idea of being a lone wolf.  Truth be told, I've never really liked the "fly with the pack" strategy, but part of that is just because I hate bunching, honestly.

James and Abba arrive at the airport, with our having been gypped out of seeing their start time.  (Grrr…)  In fact, we don't see any of the last five teams' starts, so we have no clue how far behind the leaders the Chippenduds actually fell.  (Grr, argh.)  Everybody is on the Garuda flight, because as the agent tells Gary, the Hong Kong flight has a four-hour layover. 

Okay, first props to Gary for being aware of the other flight and checking it out.  Secondly, WTF?  Monster Idiot apparently didn't think to check if there was a non-stop leaving before noon, which would therefore get in ahead of his all-morning layover in Hong Kong? Whatta maroon.

"We're pulling away from the pack!  While these losers are stuck here, we're gonna be…sitting on our asses in Hong Kong!  For FOUR HOURS!  Ha-ha, fooled them all!"

It turns out that the Garuda flight actually goes through Jakarta (gee, thanks for telling us that, show!) and while it's more geographically-direct, the question now is whether the changeover is quick enough to compensate for Monster Gamble's 1 hour, 45 minute head start.  Apparently, the editors have decided to keep this from us, trying to build suspense.  This is, frankly, a cheap tactic, and makes me worry about the quality of this episode…or of the season as a whole.  Will the editors be pulling this sort of shit to make up for a boring season?  Or are they doing it because they've become incompetent hacks?  Or is this just a once-off, and I should really just relax?  (Sing it!)  We'll see, I suppose…

Making this more complex is that while the Jakarta teams are booked on a 5.45 connection, there's a 4.35 flight  that's full, but James and Abba get the first spot in the standby line, and get on board.  So, now if we knew how long the Jakarta layover was, we'd know if MegaJames just cut enough time off of it that they'll be out of there in less than 2hrs 15 mins, and thus caught up/ahead of Rob and Kelley.  Or is the basic layover in Jakarta just 2 hours, Rob and Kelley are last, and this development is only of interest because "Long Hair, Don't Care" (the other teams' nickname for Jabba, apparently) have just clinched the Express Pass, essentially?  Which would make for a REALLY boring Leg, with both first and last place essentially determined before the first commercial, and might explain the stupid "mystery" editing.

But still, just show me what I'm watching, show.  Sigh.

Jabba (it's a good mash-up name, but James and Abba don't weigh as much as Lando Calrissian, combined, so it's not really appropriate…damn) fly to Surabaya and we cut back to Hong Kong, where Rob and Kelley are still waiting. This would not be good at all, if the editing is to be believed…Hong Kong is only about 30% of the distance from Shanghai to Surabaya;  if they haven't left yet AND they have a significantly longer flight than Jakarta-Surabaya ahead of them, then they're as dead as Kelley's first husband.  Looks like one of those legs where the producers are pretty much praying for an injury to spice things up.  Ulp.

Everyone but Rob/Kelley lands in Surabaya (MegaRace being an hour ahead, of course)  but as it's dark here and the clue is at a sports stadium (again?) maybe we're all waiting until morning and it's another bunch…and we've just wasted the entire first segment.  Which would be a suck of a different kind.

In less than thrilling news, the Terror Twins have bonded with Trey and Lexi.  And just when I was kind of liking Lexi, dim though she appears to be…

Abba discovers that all their success merely allows them to grab #1, the first position for the "races" that will start at 8.00 the next morning. Well, it's better than a total bunch, I suppose.  He settles down for a long night, like a good Super Trouper.

Legs and Dregs pull #2, just ahead of the Dominating Divorcees.   Then the Chippendudes grab #4, and then it's a melee with everyone seeing the "take a  number" wall.  Fuck 'em, Horns! is 5th, Terror Twins 6th, Goat Guys 7th, the Blandes 8th, and thus SubstiTeam is 9th, bringing up the (almost-)rear.

Monster Clod (and Kelley) pull up later, in 10th.  The editors annoy me again by not showing just what time it is.  Monster Tool (ooh, I like that one…the "T" fits, and so does the description) smugs his way through an interview about how he likes "glidin' under the radar", while Kelley has a huge grin on her face that either means they somehow survived despite this screw-up, or they got bounced and she's just laughing at his inability to admit he blew it.

It turns out this is bull-racing, and it turns out that this "task" involves literally doing nothing.  The race is between a team of two bulls and a couple of mopeds, and the Racers merely sit on the backs of the mopeds which are being driven by "professional" drivers.  And it doesn't matter whether or not the mopeds beat the bulls. (They don't.)  Basically, you show up, sit on the back of a moped, go across a field, and get your clue.  Utter non-action.  For fuck's sake.  (In Race 4, there was a "sport" that involved being dragged through cow flop.  Now *that* was fun.  And, an actual sport; you had to do the task correctly to move on. Or you got more cow flop.)

James and Abba, whom I don't actually want to see dragged through cow flop, get their clue and are told to go to a bridge to find their next clue.  James almost looks bored by the non-events of this morning, too.

Various other "Racers" enthuse about the excitement of sitting on the back of a moped while bulls race nearby.  Oh, yay.

James and Abba reach the bridge.  It's another Roadblock…hey, maybe they've eliminated Detours altogether this season?  That's just stupid and show-destroying enough that some idiot might have thought it was a good idea.  In this Roadblock, the Racer has to operate a pedi-cab that has a tiny carousel attached, making balloon animals for the pre-schoolers riding the carousel.  It's so treacly I can feel my skin crawling.  On the plus side, it's the kids who have to hand over the clue when the task is completed, so maybe some kid will have a temper tantrum and refuse to comply with the rules.  We can only hope.

James takes the roadblock, and we are treated to a montage of children being allegedly cute and blah blah blah.  Nothing to do with the Race, of course, just an extended "aww, wook at duh kiddies" bit of child porn (the non-sexual kind), attempting to manipulate our emotions by simply presenting the kids to be adored.  You know what I would adore, show? A FUCKING RACE!  Jesus. Mary. Joseph, and other dead Jewish people…

Other teams arrive, with Legs, Abbie, Jaymes, and Lexi taking the roadblock.  Oh, and it turns out the Roadblocker is given a bicycle pump to inflate their balloons, thus eliminating one possible aspect of competition, i.e., skill at blowing up balloons.  I mean, I suck at that, and would be grateful for the pump, but at some point in this episode you might want to have SOME fucking competitive aspect.  So far we've had "try to get flights that end up barely mattering, at all", "sit on your ass during a non-race you don't actually participate in", and "inflate balloons without having to use your lungs".  For fuck's sake, Larry Hagman could have done a decent job on this leg, before he died…and possibly after dying, too.

(Of course, this is another side-effect of the "adorable" kid props; the longer the Roadblock takes, and the more frustrated the Roadblocker becomes, the more likely the little angels are to start acting up and crying and ruining the whole point of the "pander to the breeders" part of the episode.  So let's just get everybody done real fast, and the kiddies all get ice cream!  Yay!  Who needs to actually "race", anyway?)

Nadiya, Josh, and Brittany [later edit…oops, Caitlin; still having some trouble telling the Blandes apart] will be doing the Roadblock. The only thing that's really making a difference is that MegaJames's legs are too long for the pedi-carousel, and he's hitting his knees on the bar at the top when he pedals, so that's messing him up.  This puts Legs in first place (well, it wouldn't bother her if her legs hit the bar, anyway) and she also wins points by noting that the kids are probably getting nauseous from being on the carousel this long.

If a kid pukes all over Monster Tool, then I will take it all back. BEST. LEG. EV-ER.

Will takes the Roadblock, thus inadvertently saving Gary's knees a major beat-down, and Rob also takes the Roadblock, as Lexi, Amy, and Nadiya (what?) finish the task.  (It must really favor women, I suppose.) The next clue sends teams to a car dealership.

James, Jaymes and Abbie complete the task. So does Josh , as Brent, continuing his "Stereotyping Across Asia" tour, says that "the gays" are just "naturally" better at balloon animals.  George Clooney punches Brent in the face.

(By the way, Brent?  You failed to gain any ground on the task, coming in 7th and leaving in the same position.  Whereas the "athletic" task that you discounted any hope of succeeding at last episode, Josh actually aced [albeit that P'ing was probably not trying by then].  In conclusion, shut up, Brent.  [Said quietly, because I still like them…but I like Josh much more.])

Caitlin makes balloon animals.  Will, not so much.  And Rob makes me happy by remaining off-screen.  (Speaking of off-screen, have you noticed the lack of screencaps?  That's because NOTHING is happening.  Seriously.)

Legs & Dregs's driver can't find the car dealership, so the Texan/Twin alliance gets there first.  And, it's a Detour!  (Thank non-existent god.)  You can either deliver large blocks of ice to a market, or go to that same market and set up a fish stand. No explanation of why they had to go to a car dealership to get this clue.  Unless Indian autos run very differently than ours.

The Texans will be hauling ass, er, ice, while the Twins will be sorting fish.  Lexi is wayyy more excited at seeing the blocks of ice than you would think…perhaps she's seen 9 1/2 Weeks a few too many times?  (She also says "Teamwork makes the dream work" and if I thought she was quoting the "Let's Go, Mets!" music video, I would love her forever, but I kind of doubt it.)

"Do it, do it, do it…" oops, sorry.  Nostalgia moment.  (Think Doc ever snorted a line of blow with "do it…" playing in the background?  Not impossible, I suppose.)

The Twins haul fish, claiming they're the most bad-ass Sri Lankans ever.   Didn't really know Sri Lanka had a "diva" reputation, girls;  nice way to dis your entire country, basically.

Caitlin finishes the Roadblock, as does Rob, but Will is struggling, and the flop sweat is fogging up his glasses.  He has completed a grand total of 0 of the 8 required balloons, and he's all alone in last place.

Legs and Dregs's cabbie is still lost; so is Monster Tool's.

Team Texi loads the ice.  In an interview, Lexi praises Trey's muscles and then says "I had a hook, so I felt like Captain Hook"  (ignoring the part where Hook had no hand;  good thing she didn't say this in front of Legs, I guess) and then she giggles.

I would say she's stoned, but how could she move her weed across the borders?  Not that Trey looks like a rocket scientist, either.  Their kids may have IQs in the negative numbers.

James and Abba's cab has brought them to Wijaya Tire, rather than Wijaya Motors.  The Surabaya Taksi Commission may want to protest against this episode, I'm thinking.

The Ja(y)mes Gang and the Dominating Divorcees have found the dealership, though.  They decide to work together, and do the ice.

Will has finally blown up the balloons.  The kids cheer him and he beats an embarrassed retreat.

Legs and Dregs are still lost.  They find a different branch of Wijaya Tire, but that doesn't help with finding Wijaya Motors.  Um, does nobody have a phone?  It's a general area, and it's a business…give them a call.

Rob and Kelley's cab can't even find a Wijaya Tire. They're just going in circles and Monster Tool is abusing the driver.  Yeah, that'll help.   Tool.

Josh and Brent find the dealership and decide to do the ice. The 'Dales and the Divorcees are now driving to the market, ice loaded up.

Natalie is apparently diving for fish. WTF?

Quick, shove her in!  Put the lid on! Now! No?  Poo.

They seem to be making progress, though, and we see an extended, intercut sequence of them and Texi racing to finish their tasks and (presumably) grab the Express Pass.

The Twins (sigh) finish first and discover it's a "search the market for Phil" kind of Pit Stop.  Texi isn't far behind, but Phil isn't hard to find…

The part where the local greeter is the Freddie Krueger of Surabaya helps, I'm sure.

…and the Twins win the leg.  (Sigh.)  Classy as ever, they give Phil a full-body hug…

…which doesn't exactly thrill him, as they stink of lies.  Er, fish.  They stink of fish.

"Thank you for sharing your smell with me," Phil snarks, which should be the episode title. (I wonder if it would be the first time ever that Phil was the person who said the title?  No, because the finales sometimes use Phil's "statistics of the Race" speech as the title.)  They continue to jump and screech until he hands them the Express Pass, then prays that they go away.  (The greeter actually eventually says "Goodbye"…hint, hint!)

Trey and Lexi finish second.  Jabba finally finds Wijaya Motors, gets their clue in 6th  and chooses the ice.  The Blandes show up next, and they will do ice, too.

SubstiTeam is being driven to the dealership, and they look pretty glum.  Of course, they don't know that two other teams are lost, so…never give up.

The 'Dales and the Divorcees unload their ice, with Ja(y)mes nearly dropping a piece and Ryan and Abbie spilling the whole "rickshaw".   Oh, no, what will happen? 

Er, nothing.  Apparently, the ice merchant accepts broken pieces, too.  Another non-competitive moment, brought to you by Ambien!   For when the "Race" can't put you to sleep, Ambien can.  (And vice-versa.)

(In fact, at this point, I actually did go to bed.  Continuing the next morning…)

The Chippendudes finish third; Ryan thinks they're sixth, so  he's pleased with fourth; Josh and Brent finish fifth, quite happily.

Legs and Dregs?  Still lost.  Monster Tool? Still hates his cabbie.  Amy is stretching her legs (sorry) and asks a Fern if she can call information (since, after all, Wijaya Motors is a legitimate business with an address, not some random only locally-known geographical feature) but there's no 411 in Indonesia. Are there phone books?  Meantime, Kelley is pushing Rob to just try to get a different cab.  We go to nonexistent ads off the dilemma of these two teams, apparently ignoring whether or not SubstiTeam is having similar troubles.

After the break, Monster Tool's cabbie apparently gets information (off-screen) and now seems to know where he's going.  Legs and Dregs (who actually have ditched their cab instead of just bitching him out, like Rob incessantly did) get help from the locals on directions, and grab a new cab.  And SubstiTeam is still cruising along, no indication as to whether they're making good time or are just as lost.

James and Abba are unloading their ice, while the Blandes are still negotiating the rickshaw, which Caitilin finds "friggin' hilarious"

If they had different personalities, I could talk about how this literally makes them "icy blondes", but they're not like that.  Perhaps there will be a task that involves carrying a load of vanilla?

James and Abba finish the ice.  

SubstiTeam and Monster Tool arrive at Wijaya Motors at the same time, and both are energized to realize there's another team as badly boned as they are.  (Gary and Will figured their chances were gone with the balloons, and Rob and Kelley got lost.)  This would be as dramatic as the late-night "holy fuck, we're not dead yet!" meeting in 20.03 between the Rocker/Soccer Twins and Ralph/Vanessa, except that these teams didn't screw up as horribly as those did (multiple meltdowns on each of their separate Detours, including both teams nearly Bald-Snarking it [choosing to switch Detours in mid-task, as Ken & Gerard did constantly on Race 3], before finally making it through the watermelons/harp strings) and they really were fighting to avoid elimination. Here, unfortunately, it's looking like Legs might not have a limb to stand on.

(Hey, she's going to be out of the race this episode, it appears. Gotta use the bad-taste jokes while I can, right?)

Gary wisely asks which Detour option Rob is taking (the ice) and then decides to do the same, probably figuring that they can outrun Monster Tool in a footrace, if need be.  Not that "Mutt and Jeff" look like sprinters, but they're probably faster than two fifty-somethings, one of whom is female and the other of whom has a gut.

The Blandes are stuck in a rut.  No, literally; the narrow wheels of their bicycyle/truck are having trouble with the brickwork street at the market.  Eventually, they get past it.

James and Abba finish sixth (again) after leading the leg early on (again).  Kind of disappointing…would that be a "diminished sixth"?  (Not really up on my music terminology, which makes this pun have a large chance of being a bit flat, I suppose.)

Gary nearly takes Will's head off with a block of ice, but fortunately Will is low to the ground and the ice goes right over him.  Intercut series of shots of Monster Tool and SubstiTeam doing the ice task, which definitely does not bode well for the still-unseen Legs & Dregs.  (A pity; I like them.)  Rob does well on a bull-strength task, whereas Will has trouble climbing on to the truckbed for the ride for the market.  He's almost teary as he's blaming himself for the balloons, and smacks the boards of the stake-bed pickup in anger.

Legs and Dregs finally reach Wijaya Motors;  they also opt for the ice, unknowingly killing their chances of catching up if the fish was easier.  The Blandes slide the ice into the stall to the appreciative glances of many sweaty Indonesians.  (Hey, you don't see too many blondes in Surabaya, you know?)  Legs and Dregs finish loading the ice on the truck and head for the market with Amy saying she believes they are "completely last".  She's not wrong…

The Blandes finish in seventh, and are pleasantly surprised.  (Well, you left the Roadblock in eighth and didn't get lost, so…)

Monster Tool unloads the ice onto the bicycle/truck.  SubstiTeam arrives in their big truck and the two teams spot each other, cheering up Will and worrying Rob.  But he gets the ice to the drop-off easily enough, whereas "David and Goliath" (Rob's nickname for the Substitutes, which doesn't really work because David wasn't particularly short and Goliath was a lot more terrifying than Gary) fall to bickering, with Will, at the back, worried that the ice will fall off the front of the bike-shaw (because it's overloaded) and Gary poo-pooing that, until Will lets go of the back and this happens:

What does this mean?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  "Broken ice? No problem!" For fuck's sake.

Rob packs in his ice, as Amy and Daniel arrive at the market.  Rob and Kelley wheel their luggage onto the Mat in eighth place, surprising them, as they thought they were in a race to avoid elimination.  Instead, the editors try and make something of SubstiTeam vs. Legs and Dregs, but Gary and Will clearly have a leg up.  (Sorry!)

Gary and Will complete the ice and amble through the market, with Gary telling Will to take it in, as they're never going to be here again.  (Yes, aside from this being their likely only opportunity to Race, I don't think Surabaya is a big tourist destination.)  Meantime, Amy and Daniel are now unloading their ice.  Gary continues bitching about how much it sucks that they applied seven times to get on the Race and they got eliminated so early…will this lack of hustle cost them and allow Legs and Dregs (still doggedly putting one foot in front of the other) to catch them?

Of course not.  They reach the Mat, await execution, and (in keeping with how shitty this episode is) Phil even half-asses the fake-out.  No "I'm sorry to tell you…you are still in the Race", no "you are…team number nine", just "You're still in the Race" and that's it.  Bleh.  They dork out celebrating, with Gary giving Phil a painfully awkward high-five, and Will declaring "We're going all the way now!" (probably not) and "This is the happiest day of my life!"  (Wow.  I hope not.)

Amy and Daniel sprint up, trying to leg one out (oh, come on…) and hold hands as they step on the Mat.  (Aww.)   Hey, I don't think we've ever had a non-elimination on the second leg before (we had a non-elim on Leg 1 in Race 15, and an über-Leg for Leg 1 of Race 18, but I think Leg 2 always ends in Philimination), perhaps this would be a good time to change that? 

Nope.  They're out.

"Eliminated by shitty Leg design and bad taxi luck, and nothing more!  Why, God, why???"

Well, I guess giving up the clue to Ryan and Abbie didn't blow Legs and Dregs's shot at the second million, after all.   Shitfuck.

Amy, being awesome, pulls it together first and hugs Daniel, reminding me of Richie Law hugging his mom (rather than needing her to hug him) after getting cut at the Top 24 of American Idol.  Sniff.

And, she's gone.  Young, hot, athletic, lost two legs, two kidneys, her spleen, half her hearing, and is stuck dating much lower than she normally would because of her injuries, yet raced her heart out and was only foiled because of one of the worst episodes in the show's history.  Poor baby.  I'm sure she'll keep going, though…she's 2 Leg-it 2 Quit!

NEXT LEG: Balancing plates, cooking things on your head, and a tuk-tuk race;  a double-U-turn leaves the Blandes looking stressed, which presumably means that they're safe.  (Yay?)

WRAP-UP:  As noted, a horribly bad episode.  And I'm not saying that because Legs and Dregs got cut off at the knees;  as you can tell, I hated the episode before I ever thought they were in danger.  

We had an entire first half that barely mattered, a Roadblock that was more cutesy than challenging (Nadiya excelled and MegaJames and Will struggled, but mostly it was in and out, same as you came), and a Detour where everybody (except the Twins) took the same option, putting the Leg almost entirely in the hands of the Taxi Luck gods, which is about as bad as you can get, short of just pulling placements out of a hat, randomly.

Worst of all was the decision to not make teams that broke their ice go back and get more, which makes no sense culturally (the Ice Merchant wants whole blocks of clean ice, right?  Not random shards that have been laying on the ground) or Race-wise.  Wouldn't it make more sense that, if one of your Detour choices involves ice, that you had to make decision based on the possible negative qualities of ice, i.e., it's slippery and can break?  Ryan/Abbie and (more pertinently) Gary/Will should have paid the pr-ice for their slip-ups; instead they just skated on and Legs and Dregs got frozen out.

Seriously, Amy and Daniel were second in Leg 1, second after the airport semi-bunch, second after the bull "race" and second after the Roadblock…and they're out because their taxi driver can't tell Wijaya Motors from Wijaya Tire?  That sucks, frankly. 

They were a well-cast team and Amy was very appealing.  And what happens?  We lose them because of a broken Leg.

Leave a comment or you may be forced to date Daniel.  Hey, the universe owes Amy one, you know?

The Amazing Race, 21.01 "Double Your Money"

Hey, enough with the Survivor…don't we have a Race going on, too?  Oh, okayyyyy…

Race 21 will begin in L.A., which is where they pretty much all seem to start nowadays.  (17 started in Boston, which is I think the only time in the last 10 or so they didn't start out here.  Personally, I'd like to start it in like, Owensville, Indiana or someplace like that, and make the contestants figure out how to get going right in the US.  ["Is there an international flight from Indianapolis? Louisville? Do we have to go to Chicago?  Can I get a regional flight from Evansville to one of the bigger cities, or is it easier just to drive?"] Leg 1 always seems too easy, to be honest.) Of course, after the obligatory surf shots, we find out the Racers aren't leaving from the coast or anything, but from Pasadena, 30 miles inland.  "The Crown of the Valley", Phil calls it.  Ohhhhkay…

Jangly music plays as the teams are being transported on a bus that, for some ungodly reason, is tricked out like a hippie's van from the 1960s.  What, you couldn't get the rights to play "Little Old Lady from Pasadena", so you settle for this?  How much could Jan and Dean (or their heirs, don't know if they're still alive) want?  Gee, if only we had an entertainment attorney handy to advise us on this sort of thing…

(Oh, okay, I had some trouble playing the first copy I downloaded, so I watched the first three minutes of this one.  I know a few of the contestants already.)

Tromping out of the bus are…

TREY and LEXI, former University of Texas football player and cheerleader.  Lexi won't live with Trey unless they're married, so they want to win the race so she can get a wedding ring.  Jesus, it doesn't cost a million, I'm pretty sure.  If Trey's been stalling this long, girl, maybe he's just not that into you.

NATALIE and NADIYA, Sri Lankan twins (but born in NYC so they qualify for American passports, which is probably a requirement).  They have the usual twin stories to tell, seem to get on much better than KamiKarli, and are of an ethnicity (South Asian) possibly never seen before on this show.  Cool.

JAMES and ABBA, the bassist for Megadeth and his lawyer.  Jim started in White Lion before joining Dave Mustaine and the gang, which probably means he's a replacement (I don't know the heavy metal chronology well enough to recall when Megadeth began, but I think it was before this) and he's the bass player, so perhaps not quite a "rock star".  Still, he's used to traveling, and he's brought his lawyer to bail him out when he gets arrested.  That's thinking ahead!  James looks fit for being middle-aged; Abba…not so much.  Also, how can you work in metal when you're named "Abba"?

JOSH and BRENT, gay couple that lost their cushy New York jobs and moved upstate to run a goat farm.  As is the case in recent races, the show can't bring itself to say the word "gay" or specify the guys as a couple, but they hold hands and say "fabulous", so hopefully the audience gets it.  You know what would be fabulous?  If the show once again was proud of its gay contestants, the way it was with Team Guido, Cha-Cha-Cha, Ken, and Reichen/Chip. Sigh.

(Btw, I think all gay couples should be named "Josh and Brent". )

AMY and DANIEL, "dating on and off" for 10 years (sigh).  Amy had menningitis as a teen, lost her spleen, her kidneys, her hearing in her right ear, and both legs, but now uses her prostheses and is the top-ranked "adaptive" snowboarder, although it's not clear if she only competes against similarly-delimbed competitors.  Daniel adores her, which probably means he's been sniffing around her forever, and she doesn't really want to date him (he's notably less hot than she is), but she feels guilty because he was there when she had menningitis, so when she's not with anyone else, she "dates" him.  (All spec, of course, but that's what I'm guessing.) Also, how can she race without kidneys?  Dialysis-on-the-go has to be a bitch, I'm thinking.

CAITLIN and BRITTANY, best friends from "the Midwest".  Sooo…they're such "best friends" that they don't live anywhere near each other, is that what you're saying, Phil?  They're both blonde, but both played college sports and claim they're really competitive, blah, blah, blah.   Decent eye candy, but not terribly engaging, IMO.

ROB and SHEILA, middle-aged and engaged.  Rob was a "many-time world champion" in lumberjack competitions, and Sheila says he's the boss. (He's even planning their wedding.)  Well, if he carries that axe around like he's doing in their video, I can see why.

GARY and WILL, substitute teachers and long-time "best friends".  (I don't THINK they're a couple, despite Will's joiking that if they don't win the Race, he's getting a divorce.)  They've applied seven times for the Race, and their "hook" is that Gary is 6'6" and Will is 5'1".  (Makes the blowjobs easy, I guess, but 69 must be a bitch.)  This really smells like someone had to drop out at the last moment; this is the sort of "filler" team that casting probably has a ton of, holding in reserve.

ABBIE and RYAN, "dating divorcees" from San Diego.  They're both pretty damn hot; she's a dancer, and he does martial arts. He goes on about how he wants only to win, he wants "world domination" and so on. One can see why he's divorced, right?  But Abbie seems to take him in stride.

JAYMES and JAMES, dancers in the Chippendales Revue in Vegas.  Jaymes swears they're not strippers, and I'm surprised that they seem relatively butch.  Relatively. (Perhaps to no one's surprise, "Jaymes" is the one who pings louder.)

ROB and KELLY.  Rob is a middle-aged dick with a neon-yellow-dyed mohawk and matching goatee.  They've been successful in monster trucks (Clearly the theme of this race is "sports you don't actually follow, so you'll believe what they say about how good they are."  We've got snowboarding-for-amputees, lumberjacking, jiujitsu, and monster trucks.  Is it really "stuntcasting" if nobody has actually heard of Amy, Rob, Ryan, or Rob?) and Rob says "The other teams are gonna think 'this guy's arrogant, he's an ass', or they're gonna love me."  Yeah, don't hold your breath waiting for the second one, I'm thinking.

Everyone jogs out on the Colorado St. Bridge (which has, I hope, been closed to traffic) and Phil welcomes them.  Apparently, the Express Pass has been killed off, and now the prize for winning the first leg is that, if you then win the Race, you get $2,000,000 instead of just one.  (Rachel and Dave must be furious about this, but not very many teams have ever pulled this particular double.)  Frankly, I don't know why the Race feels compelled to put an extra-special prize on Leg 1, specifically; it's not as though this is Big Brother and people might throw the first Head of Household competition because they don't want to be the first to make enemies.  And Leg 1 is usually fairly lame, with either no Roadblock or no Detour and a mid-leg bunch to make sure the people on the "bad" flight don't fall too far behind.  Odd.

Oh, and we have 12 legs for 11 teams.  So I'm thinking three non-elimination legs in there, to cut 8 teams in the first 11 legs.

To make things interesting, the first clue is waiting down on the ground, and teams will have to rappel off the bridge to reach it.  That's kind of cool, to be honest.

Phil gives his traditional speech ("The world is waiting for you…travel safe…good luck") and does his trademark eyebrow-pop, but the editors kind of bury it.  Bad editors!  (To be fair, Phil gave a nice pop during his introduction, but this is where we want to see it…the whole point is that he's teasing the ready-to-Race competitors.)  And then Phil goes "go!" and they're off.

They sprint to the rappel area, with Trey out in front. Josh and Brent, however, are surprisingly the first team to touch down.  Caitlin and Brittany overcome one of them's alleged fear of heights to reach in second, followed by Trexi and Jaymes & James.  

Abbie and Ryan (who I was surprised to see not in the first pack) are leading James and Abba slightly, with Amy and Daniel behind them;  Gary is tense and snappish, but he and Will follow them, and Rob and Kelly finish out this group.

The lead groups discover they're going to Shanghai.  I discover that Jaymes is definitely gay.

Rob and Sheila and Natty/Naddy complete the rappeling contestants.

The first teams hit their cars, and see Phil's video where he tells them about the two available flights.  China Air gets in 1:15 before EVA, and seven teams will be on that one. And…credits!

Wow, they really hit you right in the face with Amy's prosthetics.  First image you see.

All the driving to the airport is cut out, and the sole bit of drama we get is that Josh let Monster Ego Rob cut in front of them and get the last seats on China Air.  Brent is upset because now they're on the second flight.  I'm uspet because Rob and his stupid hair are apparently safe.

On the good flight we have the Strippers, Blonde (Alleged) Jocks, Rock n Abba, Monster Ego, Natty/Naddy (huh? how?), Legs and Dregs, and the Dating Divorcees.  Meaning that the Goat Gays, Team Substitute (since they're substitute teachers and I think they were a last-minute replacement), Lumberjerk, and Fuck 'Em Horns are relegated to the second flight.  The Texans must have gotten really lost, as they were one of the first ones down off of the bridge.

Nothing happens to the flights and the "good flight" lands on time.  The teams now have to cab it to a stadium.  James and Abba get a good cab with an English-speaking driver, and James throws a little Chinese at him, too.  Meanwhile, the Ja(y)mes Gang is roasting in their cab.  Well, you're wearing more clothes than you're used to, guys.  (And yes, the Race definitely did sneak a second gay team in there…not that it will ever be mentioned.) Various teams find the stadium, Ja(y)mes gets to the box first and it's a Roadblock.  "Who's ready to get paddled?" Jaymes reads, complete with an eye-roll at the sexual implication.  No, not gay AT ALL.  (Not that he's been denying it, just that the show has.)

What this actually means is that the Roadblockers will play ping-pong against a Chinese Kids Champion, trying to score a point.  To make it easier for the Racers, the kid won't actually use a paddle, but a "variety of household items" (frying pan, etc.) and will have to move from table to table, while the Racers wait their turn.

Taking the Roadblock are Stripper James, Caitlin, Natalie, Abbie, Rocker James and Daniel, and Rob and Kelley still haven't found the clue box.  Natalie interviews about how they play ping-pong in Sri Lanka (for some reason, the show insists on calling it "table tennis"…what?) and that she was confident, which I'm sure means this was a mistake.  Also, she gets the androgynous Chinese girl's gender wrong.  She also completely duffs her first shot, under no pressure at all.

Over to the Strippers, who pump each other up ;) James hits a soft return and the girl (using an actual paddle this first rotation) puts him away with a smash, leaving him glistening-but-chastened, realizing he'll no longer be Queen of the Gym Queens at home.

All oiled up and no place to go…

Caitlin gets her return over the net, but the high ball misses the table, and P'ing P'ong moves on.

Daniel knocks his into the net, Abbie has one blow by her, and MegaJames is beat by a nice corner shot (he might actually have rallied a little, can't tell) and P'ing now switches to a clipboard. The strippers point out that P'ing is rubbing it in by playing with the side of the board that holds the paper (meaning she has to navigate around the clasp) rather than the flat backside. Ouch.  

"You think you are humiliated now, Americans?  Wait until I play blindfolded!  Ha!"

Natalie apparently gets dusted quickly, but to be fair, Stripper James rallies for a while and P'ing has to use a backhand (with the flat side) to put him away.

Monster Rob (and his wife) have, meanwhile, wandered inside the actual stadium, missing both the clue box and the ping-pong facility itself.

We now see (out of sequence, for some reason), P'ing smoking Natty with clipboard, and she and Nadiya start bickering. Ah, twins.  

Caitlin lands her pop fly on the table this time, but of course it's easy meat for a smash.   She might be here a while.  Daniel also gets waxed, and while he's polite in his interview, Amy seems less amused.

Legs looks like she wants to take one of hers off and beat Dregs over the head with it. But then she'd get "loser" all over her leg…

Abbie  keeps the ball low on her return and P'ing's shot, going for the corner, sails wide.  "Awesome, awesome!" Ryan enthuses, deciding not to kick her to the curb just yet.  They get the next clue and head to a restaurant.

"Do it like you play the bass!" Abba cheers, in what must be the most useless encouragement ever.  What, is James supposed to keep a steady beat?  Use geometrical fretwork? What?  Go sing "Fernando" or something, dude.

In fact, MegaJames hits a looper much like Caitlin's, but P'ing's smash attempt goes just slightly long, and they're out of here.  They also get a cab before the Divorcees do, and take 1st place.  Rob and Kelley finally find the clue box, grateful there's another flight behind them.

P'ing apparently gets a second whack with the clipboard, but after a decent rally of soft shots with NakedJames, she duffs one into the net and the Strippers are in third place.  We don't see the rest of rotation 3, moving on to the fourth try, where P'ing downgrades to a saucepan, meaning that she probably will only be able to use her forehand (or backhand, if she chooses) on account of the concave side being (I would guess) useless.  Natty again misses the table on her first return, to the scorn of Naddy. 

Caitlin at least hits the table, and P'ing sends the return long.  Meantime, I'm noticing that the sound and video are slightly out of synch, which is extremely annoying considering that this AFG vid is using twice the space (884 MB for a 1-hour show) it should to begin with.  I'm going to be trying to find a better archive copy, I can tell.  But the .mp4 version (501 MB, sitll not great) kept freezing. Ugh.

Rob and Kelley finally find the hall. Naddy goes "you should have let me do this one".  A good argument, except that Nadiya was the one who told Natty to take the Roadblock, despite Natalie's complaints about the heat.  Worst Sister EVER.

A couple rotations later (I assume), P'ing is using a tambourine, and Daniel is literally begging for mercy. But since you can't really smash with a tamba, his rally skills eventually slide one past her, and they're out in 5th.  Natalie, of course, is still the worst ping-ponger ever, constantly hitting her first return (off of easy serves, I point out) high and off the table.  Nadiya's critiques are not helping, though, and Natalie eventually collapses in a "shut up!" of frustration.

"If they'd let me hit her, I'd do a much better job."

After the nonexistent ads, Naddy is still making with the useless "Natalie, slam it!" cries (ah, the jokes I could make if only they were a couple…well, they could be, but the show certainly wouldn't publicize THAT) and P'Ing is now using a tin of mints or something.  One of Natalie's looping shots actually hits the table and naturally goes long, and P'ing can't get enough oomph with the Altoids to get it over the net, so they're done.

We apparently skip far ahead, as P'ing is simply playing Kelley now, so Kelley doesn't get the advantage of resting while P'ing rotates.  We've gone past the paddle, the clipboard, the saucepan, the tambourine, and the large economy Altoids tin,  and P'ing is now using an Amazing Race clue.  Heh.  The victory chime sounds before P'ing even hits into the fucking net, which is so annoying that I'm going to stop this review and try and find a better version.  Hold on.

(We now pause for, um, several weeks [no, I'm not kidding…ugh] until I give up on finding a better rip, give up on re-processing the vid through my converter, and figure out that VLC allows me to fix the audio-synchronization of files, and the audio was only 1/3 of a second [333ms] fast.  Sigh.)

Anyway, MegaJames and his lawyer get to the restaurant, and it's a second Roadblock, meaning that Abba has to eat frogs' Fallopian tubes ("a delicious delicacy", Phil assures us, although he'd say the same if the Racers had to eat dogshit), as will Nadiya, Jaymes, Brittany, Amy, Ryan, and Monster Rob.  I hope they're horrible, so Natalie can yell "Naddy, slam it!" while Nadiya is gagging and vomiting.

Despite a little kvetching about the difficulty of eating the tubes with chopsticks (dude, it's not harder than eating rice with chopsticks, for Pete's sake), Abba knocks it back pretty quickly, as does Ryan.  They're off to find a woman with an abacus, leading to shitty "Abba-" related puns from Abba and perhaps too much pride in knowing what an abacus is from Abbie.  Brittany and Amy also seem to be chugging along.

But first! (whoops, wrong show…)  The 2nd flight has arrived, and teams grab cabs.  Josh worriedly notes that since they're going a stadium it might be athletic, and Brent sets gay rights back 10 years by saying they have no chance of catching up in that case.  Dude, you're competing with a tiny guy (Will), a middle-aged couple, and two seemingly not very bright Texans;  buckle down, for Mike Piazza's sake!

Jaymes absolutely busts through the tubes, chowing down like a pig hunting truffles and passing both of the girls.  Amy manages to finish up, but Brittany is struggling a bit.  The twins arrive as she finally finishes and reads the clue about searching for a woman using an "uh-BACK-is".  Hmm, maybe Abbie was right to be proud about knowing what "abacus" meant.

Nadiya is just trying to graze at the tubes rather than use the chopsticks at all.  (So much for any benefits of being Asian, huh?)  Meanwhile, Natty leads the crowd in an incredibly obnoxious "Twinny! Twinny!" cheer, which I would admire if she was doing it ironically, but I just think that both of them are naturally loud and annoying.  Their mother must have had a serious Valium habit after raising these idiots.

Fuck 'em, Horns! arrives at the ping-pong and Lexi gushes about how awesome Trey is at ping-pong, not realizing that she's just earned herself a nice steaming bowl of Fallopian tubes for later.  Trey makes his shot, with Lexi acting like he smoked the challenge, but P'ing was using the clipboard, so she must have beat him at least once.

Bass & Ace are searching the Bund (the esplanade) for the abacus lady, as are the Dominating Divorcees, both without luck.

Lumber Rob takes the ping-pong.  P'ing gets past the clipboard against him, but flubs it with the saucepan, and they're out of there.  Apparently the teams on the second flight got strung out looking for the stadium, instead of all arriving at once; neither of the gay couple teams has arrived yet.  (Okay, Gary and Will, not actually gay.  Sorry.)

Nadiya is halfway through the tubes, which makes Natty cheer even louder, and Naddy starts dancing along.  Yes, really.

Yes, nothing like the rush of being in sixth place and falling further behind to make you want to dance.  How about you just eat the damn tubes, instead?

She finishes just as Monster Rob arrives, and they also can't pronounce "abacus".  I take it all back, Abbie; compared to this bunch, you're a Rhodes Scholar. (Compared to this bunch, Dusty Rhodes would be a Rhodes Scholar…)

Monster Rob decides to just pick up the papaya shell that the tubes are in and guzzle it down.  Only problem is that the clue specifically said you can't pick up either the papaya shell or the plate (which is why the teams that disdained the chopsticks were grazing), so way to go, Day-Glo.

Gary engages in a decent rally with a clipboard-wielding P'ing, and scores when P'ing (possibly tanking now) misses a corner shot.  They're gone before Josh and Brent get there.  So it's not so much a case of not being athletic as it is directionally-challenged that's getting the farmers' goat here. Josh makes a decent return P'ing's serve and P'ing (realizing that she's fucking DONE after this one) sends it long, making Josh the only Racer to "beat" P'ing  on the first attempt.  Suck that, stereotypes!  Emile Griffith and Greg Louganis are proud of you, Josh!  (Sort of.)

Monster Rob finishes his guzzling, throws up devils' horns in a victory pose, and gets a hug from Kelley.

"That's right, baby! I'm the MAN!  Who needs edjicashun, anyhow?"

Unfortunately, what he doesn't get is a Clue, and when he and Kelley reread the one they have, they notice that pesky detail about leaving the papayas on the plate and the plate on the table.  The server brings out two more, sending Rob into "hell, no!" mode.  "I'm not eating two more of those!" he protests, as we head into non-existent ads.  "I can't."

Dude, please. That gut looks like you ate WILL on the plane over here; you can handle more tubes.  See if you can get them deep-fried?

After the ads, Rob chows down some more.  Yeah, like he was going to bail on an eating task.  Let's get serious, show.

Ja(y)mes are looking for abacus lady, with no luck.

Trey and Lexi arrive just as Monster Rob finishes up.  So they've pretty much made up that 75-minute gap on the lead teams.  Not that it's important, but it does show what a poor leg Monster Rob is running.

Legs and Dregs arrive at the Bund, as do the "Midwest" blondes.  Legs/Dregs actually find the clue first, which directs them to the nearby Signal Tower, for the Pit Stop.  As they are using a passerby's smart phone to see a picture of the Tower (ah, modern technology!), the divorcees and the blondes come over and ask where Amy and Daniel found the clue.  They hesitate for a half-second (after all, this leg could mean an extra $1,000,000) but give directions to the others.  It's probably not because Ryan could crush Daniel's throat without blinking, but that didn't hurt the decision, I'm sure.

Legs and Dregs see the Tower, but Daniel is laboring because he's carrying both their packs.  (Amy, of course, can't really carry heavy weights for distance, because she's lacking in leg strength.  Because she's lacking in, well…legs.)  And so Ryan and Abbie see them, catch them, pass them, and leave them in the dirt, regretting their decision to tell the divorcees where to find the abacus. (Which Jaymes, James, James and Abba still haven't found, despite having a bit of a head start on Legs/Dregs and the Bland Blondes.)

The Dominating Divorcees find Phil, get checked in, and get the good news. (Which, for all they knew, was only that they had finished third, since they didn't see the missing assortment of Jameses.)  Legs and Dregs come in second (with Abbie and Ryan still on the Mat) and lament their decision to give the Divorcees the clue; Daniel tries to claim high ground by saying "it's just the kind of people we are", which Ryan appears to rightly take as a backhanded insult.  In an interview, he says that Amy is the toughest woman on the Race (perhaps feeling that Daniel was claiming the Legless Wonder should get special preferences) and he's not going to take it easy on her.  Which, I'm on his side, but I know he'd be like this even if he wasn't right, so I'm less on his side, if you know what I mean.

Stripper James and Jaymes are still wandering around (apparently MegaJames has gone to jam somewhere or something) and they see the Bland Blondes finally orienting themselves and heading for the Tower.  They decide the girls have figured out where the clue is…and follow them.  Oops.  ("Well, how could we expect that they'd be ahead of us?")  The blondes make it to the Pit Stop, with the Strippers right behind them, but the moment Jaymes sees the Mat, he (to his credit) realizes his error and has James reverse course. This wisely saves them time, and even more importantly, spares them from having Phil tell them how they fucked up.  Meanwhile, the girls are third.

Lexi is finishing her tubes as Lumber Rob and Sheila read the roadblock clue.  Sheila is appalled at the description, but Lumber Rob at least makes an effort at encouragement ("Oh, that's fine.  They taste great." Heh.) and they head in as the Texans leave.

MegaJames and Abba are mega-lost.  They've actually wandered into a jewelry store, which not only doesn't have an abacus, it isn't even on the Bund. Ugh.

Speaking of "ugh", here come Natty/Naddy! Just my luck, they find Abacus lady in like two clicks of a bead.  They are horrified to see Rob/Kelley right behind them, though.  (Remember, they don't know the whole Ja(y)mes Gang is still wandering uselessly.)  They ask each other if they've found the abacus and of course the twins claim they haven't. They may be annoying, but at least they understand it's a Race.

"Abacus?  No, we're still looking for the Uhbackus…what abacus? Who, us?"

They jog over to the Tower and get a semi-deserved fourth.

Sheila finishes the tubes, and Team Substitute is right behind them.  Will plows through, with Gary yelling "you're a big man!".  Um, way to hit his potential sore spot, dude.  (I think Will's adjusted to his height by now, though.)

Lumber Rob and Sheila are at a hotel, where the "helpful" concierge tells them that the Bund is the Bank of China. Wow.  I hope it doesn't have too many branches, that could take a while.

Brent chows down on his tubes, as he and Josh interview that on the farm they eat some of their goats (sorry, kids…both human kids and "kid" kids) and they eat the whole thing, "tail to snout".  So Fallopian tubes are just another experience, they claim.

Monster Ego and Kelley (not exactly busting it with their roll-along luggage) just happen to stroll up to Abacus Lady and get their clue in 5th place.  Man, is "James" the Chinese word for "clueless" or something? (Well, it is now…)

Ja(y)mes are still lost.  Rob/Kelley reach Phil, take 5th.  Trey and Lexi arrive, head into the buildings, not onto the esplanade.  (Not a great start.) James and Abba are realizing they're wasting too much time.

Lumber Rob and Sheila go to the Bank of China and are told "no" quickly enough.  Does this disabuse them of their misapprehension about what the "Bund" is?  We don't know yet.

MegaJames finally finds Abacus Lady, and they head for the Tower.

Josh and Brent arrive at the Bund, ask passersby if they've seen a lady with an abacus, and promptly get helped out.  Well, that was easy!  And they apparently passed Gary and Will en route, despite Gary's mentioning that he knew the Bund was "the park along the river".  They get a clue in 7th place.  Meantime, James and Abba check in at the Pit Stop, getting the news of what has to be a disappointing 6th place finish to what was otherwise a good leg.

The Strippers are completely losing it now.  (No, not their clothes.  Hmm, maybe that's the problem? Too many layers?)  Jaymes is wondering if the "lady with an abacus" is the name of a statue.  No, but her joints may freeze up from waiting for you to find her…

After the final ad-break, the Ja(y)mes Gang is still befuddled.  Jaymes interviews that his dad has cancer but still has to work 50 hours a week; he wants to win the Race so Dad can concentrate on getting well.  Fair enough.

Josh and Brent check in at the Mat, rather surprised to be 7th.  (Remember, this means they not only finished ahead of all the other teams from their flight, but also the Strippers, whose flight landed 75 minutes ahead of them.)

Lumber Rob and Sheila get a ridiculous break, when a man knows where the Abacus Lady is, even though he's across the street from the Bund  What, was this the buzz on the street today?  "Hey, check it out, there's a chick on the Bund and she's got an abacus!"  Seriously, I probably wouldn't notice Abacus Lady if i was next to her, never mind how far this guy is away from the abacus action.  Huh.

Gary and Will are here, and are happy to see that they've caught up with Lumber Rob and Sheila, who were ahead of them.  Of course, they don't know about LumberTeam's side trip to open an IRA.  Foolishly, Lumber Rob didn't ask the Fern-Across-the-Street to come with them and point out Abacus Lady (the Abacess?) exactly, so they're still milling around, too.  Sheila is peering out at the river, giving a perfect opportunity for a classic Race "Hey, dummy!" camera shot:

"No, Sheila, I don't know where she is; I'm just filming you, really."

Sheila turns and is even looking in the general direction of the Abacess, when Lumber Rob calls her away.  (And remember, he's the boss!)  They head off, but Gary has spotted the Abacess, and after theorizing that Rob's lumbering off doesn't mean he (Gary) is wrong about this being the right lady (correctly), they get their clue in 8th place.  And Gary is even smart enough to realize that the Signal Tower is probably that large building with the light on top.  I bet you could drop "Pharos of Alexandria" in a conversation with him and he'd know what you meant;   He should be a teacher or something.

The Strippers are so lost that James nearly steps in front of a bus.  Unintentionally, I mean. If they get eliminated (and it looks like either them, the Texans or LumberTeam, none of which was a favorite for early termination, it didn't seem), then Jaymes may step in front of a bus on purpose.  They pass Gary and Will (headed towards the Pit Stop, which the Strippers should know…), but as "superfans", of course Team Substitute knows to play dumb.  See, Dregs?  That's "the kind of people" that win the Race.

Lexi is down at street level asking some guy about the "occupus", but he understands and sends her back up to the riverwalk.  Our Abacess appears to be pretty well known…is there more to an abacus than I know?  Can she get it to play "Abacab"?

Back up top, Fuck 'em, Horns! runs into LumberTeam and they let Rob/Sheila follow them to the Abacess.  (Of course, they probably think there are more teams behind them than just the one…) They get their clues in 9th and 10th, respectively.  

The Texans are moving quickly toward the Tower when they cross paths with the Strippers and tell them where the clue is.  I guess it doesn't matter, as they'll finish ahead of whichever of the other teams survives.  In fact, they make up so much time on Gary/Will that they almost catch the SubstiTeam for 8th place.

So now it's just LumberTeam, who are almost slumbering, not moving too fast and not sure where the Signal Tower is, and the Strippers, who finally get the last clue and spring for the Tower, where they have already been.  Will they be fast enough to catch up?  Drama!  Or at least an opportunity for dramatic editing, to be honest.

Rob finally is urging Sheila to run, but the Strippers have them in sight, and this race won't be much of one, I'm thinking.  Up on the Tower, Gary (apparently after hearing that Trey and Lexi helped out LumberTeam) is already celebrating the Strippers' demise, but never count an athletic homosexual out!  (You hear that, Brent?  Do it for John Amaechi!  Do it for Glenn Burke!) And indeed, Jaymes/James zoom up to the Mat, in 10th place, much to the relief of themselves and CBS, who must have been shitting a brick at the thought of the buff, semi-naked guys (one of whom has a cancer-stricken parent) going out so soon.  Rob and Sheila come in last, not too far behind, and are eliminated.

Sheila really doesn't sound too depressed, saying that she was mostly worried about having conflict with Rob, but he's been great.  And now they get to vacation at the Elimination Station!  Woo!  (Yeah,  not the most driven competitors, I'm thinking…as if the walk to the Pit Stop didn't show that.)

NEXT LEG:  Well, it's an "exclusive look at the upcoming season", like last year.  So, screw that.  I'll accept a teaser for one episode, but any team I see in more than one outfit I'll know makes it through the next leg, and I don't need mini-spoilers.  So, I'm skipping it.

And we're done!  Finally!  (Seriously, this was annoying me.  And I got spoiled for the next ep of Survivor I'm due to watch, so I wasn't wanting to tackle that, either.)  But things should pick up (both the Race momentum and these write-ups) now.

Leave a comment or the Twins will yell "SLAM IT!" at you, over and over.  In stereo.  Ugh.