Hey, enough with the Survivor…don't we have a Race going on, too? Oh, okayyyyy…
Race 21 will begin in L.A., which is where they pretty much all seem to start nowadays. (17 started in Boston, which is I think the only time in the last 10 or so they didn't start out here. Personally, I'd like to start it in like, Owensville, Indiana or someplace like that, and make the contestants figure out how to get going right in the US. ["Is there an international flight from Indianapolis? Louisville? Do we have to go to Chicago? Can I get a regional flight from Evansville to one of the bigger cities, or is it easier just to drive?"] Leg 1 always seems too easy, to be honest.) Of course, after the obligatory surf shots, we find out the Racers aren't leaving from the coast or anything, but from Pasadena, 30 miles inland. "The Crown of the Valley", Phil calls it. Ohhhhkay…
Jangly music plays as the teams are being transported on a bus that, for some ungodly reason, is tricked out like a hippie's van from the 1960s. What, you couldn't get the rights to play "Little Old Lady from Pasadena", so you settle for this? How much could Jan and Dean (or their heirs, don't know if they're still alive) want? Gee, if only we had an entertainment attorney handy to advise us on this sort of thing…
(Oh, okay, I had some trouble playing the first copy I downloaded, so I watched the first three minutes of this one. I know a few of the contestants already.)
Tromping out of the bus are…
TREY and LEXI, former University of Texas football player and cheerleader. Lexi won't live with Trey unless they're married, so they want to win the race so she can get a wedding ring. Jesus, it doesn't cost a million, I'm pretty sure. If Trey's been stalling this long, girl, maybe he's just not that into you.
NATALIE and NADIYA, Sri Lankan twins (but born in NYC so they qualify for American passports, which is probably a requirement). They have the usual twin stories to tell, seem to get on much better than KamiKarli, and are of an ethnicity (South Asian) possibly never seen before on this show. Cool.
JAMES and ABBA, the bassist for Megadeth and his lawyer. Jim started in White Lion before joining Dave Mustaine and the gang, which probably means he's a replacement (I don't know the heavy metal chronology well enough to recall when Megadeth began, but I think it was before this) and he's the bass player, so perhaps not quite a "rock star". Still, he's used to traveling, and he's brought his lawyer to bail him out when he gets arrested. That's thinking ahead! James looks fit for being middle-aged; Abba…not so much. Also, how can you work in metal when you're named "Abba"?
JOSH and BRENT, gay couple that lost their cushy New York jobs and moved upstate to run a goat farm. As is the case in recent races, the show can't bring itself to say the word "gay" or specify the guys as a couple, but they hold hands and say "fabulous", so hopefully the audience gets it. You know what would be fabulous? If the show once again was proud of its gay contestants, the way it was with Team Guido, Cha-Cha-Cha, Ken, and Reichen/Chip. Sigh.
(Btw, I think all gay couples should be named "Josh and Brent". )
AMY and DANIEL, "dating on and off" for 10 years (sigh). Amy had menningitis as a teen, lost her spleen, her kidneys, her hearing in her right ear, and both legs, but now uses her prostheses and is the top-ranked "adaptive" snowboarder, although it's not clear if she only competes against similarly-delimbed competitors. Daniel adores her, which probably means he's been sniffing around her forever, and she doesn't really want to date him (he's notably less hot than she is), but she feels guilty because he was there when she had menningitis, so when she's not with anyone else, she "dates" him. (All spec, of course, but that's what I'm guessing.) Also, how can she race without kidneys? Dialysis-on-the-go has to be a bitch, I'm thinking.
CAITLIN and BRITTANY, best friends from "the Midwest". Sooo…they're such "best friends" that they don't live anywhere near each other, is that what you're saying, Phil? They're both blonde, but both played college sports and claim they're really competitive, blah, blah, blah. Decent eye candy, but not terribly engaging, IMO.
ROB and SHEILA, middle-aged and engaged. Rob was a "many-time world champion" in lumberjack competitions, and Sheila says he's the boss. (He's even planning their wedding.) Well, if he carries that axe around like he's doing in their video, I can see why.
GARY and WILL, substitute teachers and long-time "best friends". (I don't THINK they're a couple, despite Will's joiking that if they don't win the Race, he's getting a divorce.) They've applied seven times for the Race, and their "hook" is that Gary is 6'6" and Will is 5'1". (Makes the blowjobs easy, I guess, but 69 must be a bitch.) This really smells like someone had to drop out at the last moment; this is the sort of "filler" team that casting probably has a ton of, holding in reserve.
ABBIE and RYAN, "dating divorcees" from San Diego. They're both pretty damn hot; she's a dancer, and he does martial arts. He goes on about how he wants only to win, he wants "world domination" and so on. One can see why he's divorced, right? But Abbie seems to take him in stride.
JAYMES and JAMES, dancers in the Chippendales Revue in Vegas. Jaymes swears they're not strippers, and I'm surprised that they seem relatively butch. Relatively. (Perhaps to no one's surprise, "Jaymes" is the one who pings louder.)
ROB and KELLY. Rob is a middle-aged dick with a neon-yellow-dyed mohawk and matching goatee. They've been successful in monster trucks (Clearly the theme of this race is "sports you don't actually follow, so you'll believe what they say about how good they are." We've got snowboarding-for-amputees, lumberjacking, jiujitsu, and monster trucks. Is it really "stuntcasting" if nobody has actually heard of Amy, Rob, Ryan, or Rob?) and Rob says "The other teams are gonna think 'this guy's arrogant, he's an ass', or they're gonna love me." Yeah, don't hold your breath waiting for the second one, I'm thinking.
Everyone jogs out on the Colorado St. Bridge (which has, I hope, been closed to traffic) and Phil welcomes them. Apparently, the Express Pass has been killed off, and now the prize for winning the first leg is that, if you then win the Race, you get $2,000,000 instead of just one. (Rachel and Dave must be furious about this, but not very many teams have ever pulled this particular double.) Frankly, I don't know why the Race feels compelled to put an extra-special prize on Leg 1, specifically; it's not as though this is Big Brother and people might throw the first Head of Household competition because they don't want to be the first to make enemies. And Leg 1 is usually fairly lame, with either no Roadblock or no Detour and a mid-leg bunch to make sure the people on the "bad" flight don't fall too far behind. Odd.
Oh, and we have 12 legs for 11 teams. So I'm thinking three non-elimination legs in there, to cut 8 teams in the first 11 legs.
To make things interesting, the first clue is waiting down on the ground, and teams will have to rappel off the bridge to reach it. That's kind of cool, to be honest.
Phil gives his traditional speech ("The world is waiting for you…travel safe…good luck") and does his trademark eyebrow-pop, but the editors kind of bury it. Bad editors! (To be fair, Phil gave a nice pop during his introduction, but this is where we want to see it…the whole point is that he's teasing the ready-to-Race competitors.) And then Phil goes "go!" and they're off.
They sprint to the rappel area, with Trey out in front. Josh and Brent, however, are surprisingly the first team to touch down. Caitlin and Brittany overcome one of them's alleged fear of heights to reach in second, followed by Trexi and Jaymes & James.
Abbie and Ryan (who I was surprised to see not in the first pack) are leading James and Abba slightly, with Amy and Daniel behind them; Gary is tense and snappish, but he and Will follow them, and Rob and Kelly finish out this group.
The lead groups discover they're going to Shanghai. I discover that Jaymes is definitely gay.
Rob and Sheila and Natty/Naddy complete the rappeling contestants.
The first teams hit their cars, and see Phil's video where he tells them about the two available flights. China Air gets in 1:15 before EVA, and seven teams will be on that one. And…credits!
Wow, they really hit you right in the face with Amy's prosthetics. First image you see.
All the driving to the airport is cut out, and the sole bit of drama we get is that Josh let Monster Ego Rob cut in front of them and get the last seats on China Air. Brent is upset because now they're on the second flight. I'm uspet because Rob and his stupid hair are apparently safe.
On the good flight we have the Strippers, Blonde (Alleged) Jocks, Rock n Abba, Monster Ego, Natty/Naddy (huh? how?), Legs and Dregs, and the Dating Divorcees. Meaning that the Goat Gays, Team Substitute (since they're substitute teachers and I think they were a last-minute replacement), Lumberjerk, and Fuck 'Em Horns are relegated to the second flight. The Texans must have gotten really lost, as they were one of the first ones down off of the bridge.
Nothing happens to the flights and the "good flight" lands on time. The teams now have to cab it to a stadium. James and Abba get a good cab with an English-speaking driver, and James throws a little Chinese at him, too. Meanwhile, the Ja(y)mes Gang is roasting in their cab. Well, you're wearing more clothes than you're used to, guys. (And yes, the Race definitely did sneak a second gay team in there…not that it will ever be mentioned.) Various teams find the stadium, Ja(y)mes gets to the box first and it's a Roadblock. "Who's ready to get paddled?" Jaymes reads, complete with an eye-roll at the sexual implication. No, not gay AT ALL. (Not that he's been denying it, just that the show has.)
What this actually means is that the Roadblockers will play ping-pong against a Chinese Kids Champion, trying to score a point. To make it easier for the Racers, the kid won't actually use a paddle, but a "variety of household items" (frying pan, etc.) and will have to move from table to table, while the Racers wait their turn.
Taking the Roadblock are Stripper James, Caitlin, Natalie, Abbie, Rocker James and Daniel, and Rob and Kelley still haven't found the clue box. Natalie interviews about how they play ping-pong in Sri Lanka (for some reason, the show insists on calling it "table tennis"…what?) and that she was confident, which I'm sure means this was a mistake. Also, she gets the androgynous Chinese girl's gender wrong. She also completely duffs her first shot, under no pressure at all.
Over to the Strippers, who pump each other up ;) James hits a soft return and the girl (using an actual paddle this first rotation) puts him away with a smash, leaving him glistening-but-chastened, realizing he'll no longer be Queen of the Gym Queens at home.
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| All oiled up and no place to go… |
Caitlin gets her return over the net, but the high ball misses the table, and P'ing P'ong moves on.
Daniel knocks his into the net, Abbie has one blow by her, and MegaJames is beat by a nice corner shot (he might actually have rallied a little, can't tell) and P'ing now switches to a clipboard. The strippers point out that P'ing is rubbing it in by playing with the side of the board that holds the paper (meaning she has to navigate around the clasp) rather than the flat backside. Ouch.
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| "You think you are humiliated now, Americans? Wait until I play blindfolded! Ha!" |
Natalie apparently gets dusted quickly, but to be fair, Stripper James rallies for a while and P'ing has to use a backhand (with the flat side) to put him away.
Monster Rob (and his wife) have, meanwhile, wandered inside the actual stadium, missing both the clue box and the ping-pong facility itself.
We now see (out of sequence, for some reason), P'ing smoking Natty with clipboard, and she and Nadiya start bickering. Ah, twins.
Caitlin lands her pop fly on the table this time, but of course it's easy meat for a smash. She might be here a while. Daniel also gets waxed, and while he's polite in his interview, Amy seems less amused.
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| Legs looks like she wants to take one of hers off and beat Dregs over the head with it. But then she'd get "loser" all over her leg… |
Abbie keeps the ball low on her return and P'ing's shot, going for the corner, sails wide. "Awesome, awesome!" Ryan enthuses, deciding not to kick her to the curb just yet. They get the next clue and head to a restaurant.
"Do it like you play the bass!" Abba cheers, in what must be the most useless encouragement ever. What, is James supposed to keep a steady beat? Use geometrical fretwork? What? Go sing "Fernando" or something, dude.
In fact, MegaJames hits a looper much like Caitlin's, but P'ing's smash attempt goes just slightly long, and they're out of here. They also get a cab before the Divorcees do, and take 1st place. Rob and Kelley finally find the clue box, grateful there's another flight behind them.
P'ing apparently gets a second whack with the clipboard, but after a decent rally of soft shots with NakedJames, she duffs one into the net and the Strippers are in third place. We don't see the rest of rotation 3, moving on to the fourth try, where P'ing downgrades to a saucepan, meaning that she probably will only be able to use her forehand (or backhand, if she chooses) on account of the concave side being (I would guess) useless. Natty again misses the table on her first return, to the scorn of Naddy.
Caitlin at least hits the table, and P'ing sends the return long. Meantime, I'm noticing that the sound and video are slightly out of synch, which is extremely annoying considering that this AFG vid is using twice the space (884 MB for a 1-hour show) it should to begin with. I'm going to be trying to find a better archive copy, I can tell. But the .mp4 version (501 MB, sitll not great) kept freezing. Ugh.
Rob and Kelley finally find the hall. Naddy goes "you should have let me do this one". A good argument, except that Nadiya was the one who told Natty to take the Roadblock, despite Natalie's complaints about the heat. Worst Sister EVER.
A couple rotations later (I assume), P'ing is using a tambourine, and Daniel is literally begging for mercy. But since you can't really smash with a tamba, his rally skills eventually slide one past her, and they're out in 5th. Natalie, of course, is still the worst ping-ponger ever, constantly hitting her first return (off of easy serves, I point out) high and off the table. Nadiya's critiques are not helping, though, and Natalie eventually collapses in a "shut up!" of frustration.
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| "If they'd let me hit her, I'd do a much better job." |
After the nonexistent ads, Naddy is still making with the useless "Natalie, slam it!" cries (ah, the jokes I could make if only they were a couple…well, they could be, but the show certainly wouldn't publicize THAT) and P'Ing is now using a tin of mints or something. One of Natalie's looping shots actually hits the table and naturally goes long, and P'ing can't get enough oomph with the Altoids to get it over the net, so they're done.
We apparently skip far ahead, as P'ing is simply playing Kelley now, so Kelley doesn't get the advantage of resting while P'ing rotates. We've gone past the paddle, the clipboard, the saucepan, the tambourine, and the large economy Altoids tin, and P'ing is now using an Amazing Race clue. Heh. The victory chime sounds before P'ing even hits into the fucking net, which is so annoying that I'm going to stop this review and try and find a better version. Hold on.
(We now pause for, um, several weeks [no, I'm not kidding…ugh] until I give up on finding a better rip, give up on re-processing the vid through my converter, and figure out that VLC allows me to fix the audio-synchronization of files, and the audio was only 1/3 of a second [333ms] fast. Sigh.)
Anyway, MegaJames and his lawyer get to the restaurant, and it's a second Roadblock, meaning that Abba has to eat frogs' Fallopian tubes ("a delicious delicacy", Phil assures us, although he'd say the same if the Racers had to eat dogshit), as will Nadiya, Jaymes, Brittany, Amy, Ryan, and Monster Rob. I hope they're horrible, so Natalie can yell "Naddy, slam it!" while Nadiya is gagging and vomiting.
Despite a little kvetching about the difficulty of eating the tubes with chopsticks (dude, it's not harder than eating rice with chopsticks, for Pete's sake), Abba knocks it back pretty quickly, as does Ryan. They're off to find a woman with an abacus, leading to shitty "Abba-" related puns from Abba and perhaps too much pride in knowing what an abacus is from Abbie. Brittany and Amy also seem to be chugging along.
But first! (whoops, wrong show…) The 2nd flight has arrived, and teams grab cabs. Josh worriedly notes that since they're going a stadium it might be athletic, and Brent sets gay rights back 10 years by saying they have no chance of catching up in that case. Dude, you're competing with a tiny guy (Will), a middle-aged couple, and two seemingly not very bright Texans; buckle down, for Mike Piazza's sake!
Jaymes absolutely busts through the tubes, chowing down like a pig hunting truffles and passing both of the girls. Amy manages to finish up, but Brittany is struggling a bit. The twins arrive as she finally finishes and reads the clue about searching for a woman using an "uh-BACK-is". Hmm, maybe Abbie was right to be proud about knowing what "abacus" meant.
Nadiya is just trying to graze at the tubes rather than use the chopsticks at all. (So much for any benefits of being Asian, huh?) Meanwhile, Natty leads the crowd in an incredibly obnoxious "Twinny! Twinny!" cheer, which I would admire if she was doing it ironically, but I just think that both of them are naturally loud and annoying. Their mother must have had a serious Valium habit after raising these idiots.
Fuck 'em, Horns! arrives at the ping-pong and Lexi gushes about how awesome Trey is at ping-pong, not realizing that she's just earned herself a nice steaming bowl of Fallopian tubes for later. Trey makes his shot, with Lexi acting like he smoked the challenge, but P'ing was using the clipboard, so she must have beat him at least once.
Bass & Ace are searching the Bund (the esplanade) for the abacus lady, as are the Dominating Divorcees, both without luck.
Lumber Rob takes the ping-pong. P'ing gets past the clipboard against him, but flubs it with the saucepan, and they're out of there. Apparently the teams on the second flight got strung out looking for the stadium, instead of all arriving at once; neither of the gay couple teams has arrived yet. (Okay, Gary and Will, not actually gay. Sorry.)
Nadiya is halfway through the tubes, which makes Natty cheer even louder, and Naddy starts dancing along. Yes, really.
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| Yes, nothing like the rush of being in sixth place and falling further behind to make you want to dance. How about you just eat the damn tubes, instead? |
She finishes just as Monster Rob arrives, and they also can't pronounce "abacus". I take it all back, Abbie; compared to this bunch, you're a Rhodes Scholar. (Compared to this bunch, Dusty Rhodes would be a Rhodes Scholar…)
Monster Rob decides to just pick up the papaya shell that the tubes are in and guzzle it down. Only problem is that the clue specifically said you can't pick up either the papaya shell or the plate (which is why the teams that disdained the chopsticks were grazing), so way to go, Day-Glo.
Gary engages in a decent rally with a clipboard-wielding P'ing, and scores when P'ing (possibly tanking now) misses a corner shot. They're gone before Josh and Brent get there. So it's not so much a case of not being athletic as it is directionally-challenged that's getting the farmers' goat here. Josh makes a decent return P'ing's serve and P'ing (realizing that she's fucking DONE after this one) sends it long, making Josh the only Racer to "beat" P'ing on the first attempt. Suck that, stereotypes! Emile Griffith and Greg Louganis are proud of you, Josh! (Sort of.)
Monster Rob finishes his guzzling, throws up devils' horns in a victory pose, and gets a hug from Kelley.
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"That's right, baby! I'm the MAN! Who needs edjicashun, anyhow?"
|
Unfortunately, what he doesn't get is a Clue, and when he and Kelley reread the one they have, they notice that pesky detail about leaving the papayas on the plate and the plate on the table. The server brings out two more, sending Rob into "hell, no!" mode. "I'm not eating two more of those!" he protests, as we head into non-existent ads. "I can't."
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| Dude, please. That gut looks like you ate WILL on the plane over here; you can handle more tubes. See if you can get them deep-fried? |
After the ads, Rob chows down some more. Yeah, like he was going to bail on an eating task. Let's get serious, show.
Ja(y)mes are looking for abacus lady, with no luck.
Trey and Lexi arrive just as Monster Rob finishes up. So they've pretty much made up that 75-minute gap on the lead teams. Not that it's important, but it does show what a poor leg Monster Rob is running.
Legs and Dregs arrive at the Bund, as do the "Midwest" blondes. Legs/Dregs actually find the clue first, which directs them to the nearby Signal Tower, for the Pit Stop. As they are using a passerby's smart phone to see a picture of the Tower (ah, modern technology!), the divorcees and the blondes come over and ask where Amy and Daniel found the clue. They hesitate for a half-second (after all, this leg could mean an extra $1,000,000) but give directions to the others. It's probably not because Ryan could crush Daniel's throat without blinking, but that didn't hurt the decision, I'm sure.
Legs and Dregs see the Tower, but Daniel is laboring because he's carrying both their packs. (Amy, of course, can't really carry heavy weights for distance, because she's lacking in leg strength. Because she's lacking in, well…legs.) And so Ryan and Abbie see them, catch them, pass them, and leave them in the dirt, regretting their decision to tell the divorcees where to find the abacus. (Which Jaymes, James, James and Abba still haven't found, despite having a bit of a head start on Legs/Dregs and the Bland Blondes.)
The Dominating Divorcees find Phil, get checked in, and get the good news. (Which, for all they knew, was only that they had finished third, since they didn't see the missing assortment of Jameses.) Legs and Dregs come in second (with Abbie and Ryan still on the Mat) and lament their decision to give the Divorcees the clue; Daniel tries to claim high ground by saying "it's just the kind of people we are", which Ryan appears to rightly take as a backhanded insult. In an interview, he says that Amy is the toughest woman on the Race (perhaps feeling that Daniel was claiming the Legless Wonder should get special preferences) and he's not going to take it easy on her. Which, I'm on his side, but I know he'd be like this even if he wasn't right, so I'm less on his side, if you know what I mean.
Stripper James and Jaymes are still wandering around (apparently MegaJames has gone to jam somewhere or something) and they see the Bland Blondes finally orienting themselves and heading for the Tower. They decide the girls have figured out where the clue is…and follow them. Oops. ("Well, how could we expect that they'd be ahead of us?") The blondes make it to the Pit Stop, with the Strippers right behind them, but the moment Jaymes sees the Mat, he (to his credit) realizes his error and has James reverse course. This wisely saves them time, and even more importantly, spares them from having Phil tell them how they fucked up. Meanwhile, the girls are third.
Lexi is finishing her tubes as Lumber Rob and Sheila read the roadblock clue. Sheila is appalled at the description, but Lumber Rob at least makes an effort at encouragement ("Oh, that's fine. They taste great." Heh.) and they head in as the Texans leave.
MegaJames and Abba are mega-lost. They've actually wandered into a jewelry store, which not only doesn't have an abacus, it isn't even on the Bund. Ugh.
Speaking of "ugh", here come Natty/Naddy! Just my luck, they find Abacus lady in like two clicks of a bead. They are horrified to see Rob/Kelley right behind them, though. (Remember, they don't know the whole Ja(y)mes Gang is still wandering uselessly.) They ask each other if they've found the abacus and of course the twins claim they haven't. They may be annoying, but at least they understand it's a Race.
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| "Abacus? No, we're still looking for the Uhbackus…what abacus? Who, us?" |
They jog over to the Tower and get a semi-deserved fourth.
Sheila finishes the tubes, and Team Substitute is right behind them. Will plows through, with Gary yelling "you're a big man!". Um, way to hit his potential sore spot, dude. (I think Will's adjusted to his height by now, though.)
Lumber Rob and Sheila are at a hotel, where the "helpful" concierge tells them that the Bund is the Bank of China. Wow. I hope it doesn't have too many branches, that could take a while.
Brent chows down on his tubes, as he and Josh interview that on the farm they eat some of their goats (sorry, kids…both human kids and "kid" kids) and they eat the whole thing, "tail to snout". So Fallopian tubes are just another experience, they claim.
Monster Ego and Kelley (not exactly busting it with their roll-along luggage) just happen to stroll up to Abacus Lady and get their clue in 5th place. Man, is "James" the Chinese word for "clueless" or something? (Well, it is now…)
Ja(y)mes are still lost. Rob/Kelley reach Phil, take 5th. Trey and Lexi arrive, head into the buildings, not onto the esplanade. (Not a great start.) James and Abba are realizing they're wasting too much time.
Lumber Rob and Sheila go to the Bank of China and are told "no" quickly enough. Does this disabuse them of their misapprehension about what the "Bund" is? We don't know yet.
MegaJames finally finds Abacus Lady, and they head for the Tower.
Josh and Brent arrive at the Bund, ask passersby if they've seen a lady with an abacus, and promptly get helped out. Well, that was easy! And they apparently passed Gary and Will en route, despite Gary's mentioning that he knew the Bund was "the park along the river". They get a clue in 7th place. Meantime, James and Abba check in at the Pit Stop, getting the news of what has to be a disappointing 6th place finish to what was otherwise a good leg.
The Strippers are completely losing it now. (No, not their clothes. Hmm, maybe that's the problem? Too many layers?) Jaymes is wondering if the "lady with an abacus" is the name of a statue. No, but her joints may freeze up from waiting for you to find her…
After the final ad-break, the Ja(y)mes Gang is still befuddled. Jaymes interviews that his dad has cancer but still has to work 50 hours a week; he wants to win the Race so Dad can concentrate on getting well. Fair enough.
Josh and Brent check in at the Mat, rather surprised to be 7th. (Remember, this means they not only finished ahead of all the other teams from their flight, but also the Strippers, whose flight landed 75 minutes ahead of them.)
Lumber Rob and Sheila get a ridiculous break, when a man knows where the Abacus Lady is, even though he's across the street from the Bund What, was this the buzz on the street today? "Hey, check it out, there's a chick on the Bund and she's got an abacus!" Seriously, I probably wouldn't notice Abacus Lady if i was next to her, never mind how far this guy is away from the abacus action. Huh.
Gary and Will are here, and are happy to see that they've caught up with Lumber Rob and Sheila, who were ahead of them. Of course, they don't know about LumberTeam's side trip to open an IRA. Foolishly, Lumber Rob didn't ask the Fern-Across-the-Street to come with them and point out Abacus Lady (the Abacess?) exactly, so they're still milling around, too. Sheila is peering out at the river, giving a perfect opportunity for a classic Race "Hey, dummy!" camera shot:
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| "No, Sheila, I don't know where she is; I'm just filming you, really." |
Sheila turns and is even looking in the general direction of the Abacess, when Lumber Rob calls her away. (And remember, he's the boss!) They head off, but Gary has spotted the Abacess, and after theorizing that Rob's lumbering off doesn't mean he (Gary) is wrong about this being the right lady (correctly), they get their clue in 8th place. And Gary is even smart enough to realize that the Signal Tower is probably that large building with the light on top. I bet you could drop "Pharos of Alexandria" in a conversation with him and he'd know what you meant; He should be a teacher or something.
The Strippers are so lost that James nearly steps in front of a bus. Unintentionally, I mean. If they get eliminated (and it looks like either them, the Texans or LumberTeam, none of which was a favorite for early termination, it didn't seem), then Jaymes may step in front of a bus on purpose. They pass Gary and Will (headed towards the Pit Stop, which the Strippers should know…), but as "superfans", of course Team Substitute knows to play dumb. See, Dregs? That's "the kind of people" that win the Race.
Lexi is down at street level asking some guy about the "occupus", but he understands and sends her back up to the riverwalk. Our Abacess appears to be pretty well known…is there more to an abacus than I know? Can she get it to play "Abacab"?
Back up top, Fuck 'em, Horns! runs into LumberTeam and they let Rob/Sheila follow them to the Abacess. (Of course, they probably think there are more teams behind them than just the one…) They get their clues in 9th and 10th, respectively.
The Texans are moving quickly toward the Tower when they cross paths with the Strippers and tell them where the clue is. I guess it doesn't matter, as they'll finish ahead of whichever of the other teams survives. In fact, they make up so much time on Gary/Will that they almost catch the SubstiTeam for 8th place.
So now it's just LumberTeam, who are almost slumbering, not moving too fast and not sure where the Signal Tower is, and the Strippers, who finally get the last clue and spring for the Tower, where they have already been. Will they be fast enough to catch up? Drama! Or at least an opportunity for dramatic editing, to be honest.
Rob finally is urging Sheila to run, but the Strippers have them in sight, and this race won't be much of one, I'm thinking. Up on the Tower, Gary (apparently after hearing that Trey and Lexi helped out LumberTeam) is already celebrating the Strippers' demise, but never count an athletic homosexual out! (You hear that, Brent? Do it for John Amaechi! Do it for Glenn Burke!) And indeed, Jaymes/James zoom up to the Mat, in 10th place, much to the relief of themselves and CBS, who must have been shitting a brick at the thought of the buff, semi-naked guys (one of whom has a cancer-stricken parent) going out so soon. Rob and Sheila come in last, not too far behind, and are eliminated.
Sheila really doesn't sound too depressed, saying that she was mostly worried about having conflict with Rob, but he's been great. And now they get to vacation at the Elimination Station! Woo! (Yeah, not the most driven competitors, I'm thinking…as if the walk to the Pit Stop didn't show that.)
NEXT LEG: Well, it's an "exclusive look at the upcoming season", like last year. So, screw that. I'll accept a teaser for one episode, but any team I see in more than one outfit I'll know makes it through the next leg, and I don't need mini-spoilers. So, I'm skipping it.
And we're done! Finally! (Seriously, this was annoying me. And I got spoiled for the next ep of Survivor I'm due to watch, so I wasn't wanting to tackle that, either.) But things should pick up (both the Race momentum and these write-ups) now.
Leave a comment or the Twins will yell "SLAM IT!" at you, over and over. In stereo. Ugh.
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