Survivor 25.07, "Not the Only Actor on this Island"

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Survivor 25.06, "Down and Dirty"

After taking a break from Survivor by recapping old Survivor, we're back!  With more Survivor.  ("Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic." "No, mine is much more advanced.")

Previously on Survivor: Of Thee I (No Longer) Matsing…Matsing was the new Ulong, except that they only lost four immunity challenges instead of eight and because there were two other tribes, got split up with two members still in the game.  Malcolm found an Idol, spit on his old Matstink buff (not too classy) and was immediately accepted by the cool kids at Poontang, although since those included Apeshit Abi, he might have been better off on a tribe of two.  At Wounded Knee, Probst continued to blame Katie for the Immunity Challenge loss, ignoring Jonathan/Carter/Dawson not being able to undo the rope, Jeff Kent needing a pinch-hitter on the woodchopping, and Dawson driving too close to the buoy in the regatta…er, grabbing puzzle pieces out of Jonathan's hands at a key moment.  Given that Dawson also smirkily kept taunting Jeff Kent about knowing his secret, it was no surprise when she was sent off to film school and Katie stayed, but Probst made such a big "Katie was saved!" deal of it, that (combined with her episode 1 spotlighting) it's reasonable to assume that Katie's here for a good long run…we can only hope that she and RC start making out soon.

Six have been eliminated (including that lousy quitter, Dana) and no longer have the rain blowing in their face constantly; twelve remain.  Who will be voted out and rediscover solid construction…TONIGHT?

Wounded Knee shuffle back to camp on Night 13, with Katie saying that they should make sure that's their only trip to Tribal.  Of course, she's in a bad position right now, but she's not wrong…any less than five means they would be down numbers at the merge (assuming we even wait until Final Ten for that) and vulnerable to a Pagonging.  (Not that this happens every year, but better safe than Pagong.)

Day 14

As the men frolic in the surf, Miss Delaware Katie and Godless Whore Denise confer about who has the Idol; Denise being pretty sure it's Jonathan, given that he brought his bag to Tribal last night "just in case".  Miss Delaware tries to convince the Godless Whore that they should vote out Jonathan if they go back to Tribal, but a) they really need not to go back, and b) you'd need one of the guys for that, and they probably like the idea of Jonathan using his Idol to help the guy-lliance, post-merge.

Credits!  Short and, thus, not sweet.

At Poontang, they are running out of rice.  Even though, with all the rain, they haven't had that many opportunities to boil it.  Sneaky Pete interviews that this is because Mike's been eating it raw, saying that chickens eat it that way, and your body temperature is almost 100°F anyway.  Pete gripes that Mike makes "horrible decisions" and he's "the worst returning player ever" (ahem, Russell Hantz was a fucking nothing who got TWO returns), wah wah wah.  Yeah, but at least he's eating.  Any more of this crap and I may have to change Sneaky Pete's name to Weepy Pete.

Mike wants to make breakfast, but Apeshit Abi vetoes that.  Challenge or no, she's all about conserving food.  Invisible Artis also gets in on the action, complaining that he doesn't understand how Mike, as a returning player, can run through their stock of rice.  Well (here we go again) but a) back in Mike's day, the players actually went out and got food (remember his killing the pig?)  and b) in his season, there actually WAS a rice crisis and the tribes had to get an extra cache from Jeff, so it's not like he has a great track record on this.  Although, IIRC, the rice crisis happened after the merge, after Mike was gone, and might have been due to the flood that washed through camp.  But still, some of Mike's former tribemates (I think he was on the Rodger/Elisabeth tribe, if my memory is right) had eaten the rice then, too.

Invisible Artis says that he doesn't even consider Mike a part of Poontang.  Which is funny because none of the other Poontangers have ever mentioned Artis in their strategic plans.  Maybe he's not as good at diagnosing outcasts as he thinks?  (But he did get the spotlight as a "new force" in episode 1, along with Carter and Katie, so he might be unlikely to be cast out any time soon.)

Reward challenge!  It's the "roll a giant ball over the other team and into your goal challenge", most memorable for Judd Sergeant crushing Bobby Jon and Gary Hogeboom in Guatemala in Season 11.  The teams are playing for food, and because the budget is apparently shot this year, the food is sandwiches and potato chips and instead of going to some "exotic" native cultural spot, they're just going to a dry hut, so that the staff carpenters can show these idiots how you build one.  (Or, um, have a prefab one trucked in from Manila, for all I know.)  Poontang is sitting two people out and while I'm sure Probst would be fine for for the icky girls to keep sitting out Every Fucking Challenge, apparently the other producers overruled him and are making Poontang bench a girl and a guy, matching Wounded Knee's gender balance.

"I can't believe they're actually letting the girls play.  This is a MAN's challenge, dammit!"

Poontang sits out Artis and (surprisingly) RC, apparently having heard the "can't sit out consecutive challenges" rule may be coming back, and wanting to be able to sit Lisa in the immunity challenge. (Presumably Abi can't sit this one out because she sat out the last IC, but it would be nice for Jeff to actually say that.)

First round is 2 guys/1 girl, so that's Weepy Pete, Skupin Bloody Skupin, and the Facts of Blair against Jonathan, Designated (by me) Homosexual Carter, and Godless Whore Denise.  Despite the Mike-bashing going on, he beats track coach Carter to the ball, and pretty much holds his own against both Jonathan and Denise, as Pete takes Carter out of the action re-Petedly, and Lisa flutters around before finally being able to take down Denise.  Wounded Knee gets an advantage when Jonathan pulls Mike down to make it a battle of the (not-really) babes, but then Mike picks up Carter and carries him twenty feet away, theoretically setting up Pete to bowl over Jonathan…but Jonathan is just as effect at holding the ball by pulling on it as Pete is by pushing it (heh, I accidentally wrote "pussying"…Freudian slip!), so I guess I'm going to have to change Weepy Pete to Wimpy Pete at this rate.    

But soon Mike and Carter rejoin the battle and Jonathan has to come up with a…more creative…strategy to deal with Mike:

Man, Jonathan's getting desperate for some touch isn't he?  First "get out of those wet clothes" to Dana and now this…

The six contestants now settle into a Sculpture of Non-Effort: Mike sitting on Jonathan, Lisa holding tight to the Faithless Whore, and Wimpy Pete and Twinky Twig Carter entangled but not doing much of anything:

And…freeze!

Supposedly this is going to come down to "endurance", but doesn't endurance mean trying to move the fucking ball?  This is just inertia.

"Might as well settle in…"

Seriously, when the spectators are grabbing a seat, you know there's not a lot of action going on.

One hour later, and there's a slight ripple of action when Pete pulls Carter down.  Either that or they just fell over, it's tough to tell.  But as Mike pushes, Jonathan escapes and blocks it.  Jonathan tries to start negotiating, given that even if they win this, there are at least two more rounds to go.   Mike says he could consider trading the reward for the rest of Wounded Knee's rice, but the spectating Poontangs (which is four of the seven) don't like that idea.  Probst asks Jonathan what Wounded Knee would do for food and he's like "go fishing, duh!"  So, even though Mike is, IMO, making a sweet deal here, commandeering the entire rice stock in exchange for a few lousy sandwiches (and Carter is dubious, saying they have like 5 days' worth of rice), the anti-Mike group at Poontang is not having it.  As it is Artis's birthday (so that's why we don't see them talking to him…they were planning a surprise party, I'll bet!), Jeff Kent asks what he has to say, and gets back a sulky "You don't wanna hear what I have to say":

No, I don't think I do.  You seem annoyingly pissy and negative.  And lay off of my Mike!

Artis wants to win, blahblahblah.  Of course he hasn't been in the muck for an hour (questionable exertion of effort aside), nor is he going to be, since he's sitting out.  Jonathan convinces Carter he can catch enough fish, Mike says that he and Pete are in favor of the deal (Blair doesn't count, I guess) and throws the question to the four non-muckers. Abi completely demurs for all of them, figuring it's easier to react than act, and so Mike seals the deal.  It's interesting to note that Pete, who was just as angry with Mike as Suddenly Visible Artis was earlier in the episode, had no objections.  Probably because Wimpy Pete had been actually sort of trying to move the ball for an hour.  Guaranteed food sounds pretty good, then.

So that's a deal but I-Wish-He-Was-Invisible Artis is muttering about "not seeing the big picture".  I guess he believes that deliberately "losing" the challenge will jinx their mojo or something.    And, knowing how the producers love to push a "win or else" storyline (remember their hissyfit about Russell's tribe throwing the challenge to vote his producer-inflated troll ass out in the first "Producer's Island" season?), he might be right.  I expect the IC to involve hitting a curve ball, just so they can "punish" Mike for this.

Wounded Knee goes and gets its reward.  It's nice enough, but that's hardly an ass-load of food.  However they do get letters from home, which I'm sure they will throw in Poontang's face at the Immunity Challenge, to throw them off their game.  (Probst wouldn't have it any other way.)

By the way, it apparently became 

Day 15

somewhere along the way, so I guess that it's only one day until the IC;  that suits Wounded Knee just fine, I'm sure.  Poontang doesn't get that much rice, just the same as they already had (so I guess Mike wasn't using up the rice excessively, huh, Pete? Huh, Artis?), but RC, the Rice Counter, thinks they came out ahead, since Wounded Knee is now out of food.  Lisa and Malcolm also seem willing to glass-half-full it, but Artis and Abi are all tearing their garments and dressing in sackcloth and ashes and shit.  Apeshit Abi is particularly bummed about how they "gave up" (or, you know, negotiated a compromise) and says that Wounded Knee would never have made the deal if they didn't have the boat and the fishing gear to tide them over.  

Well, yes, brainiac, that's what makes the deal a win-win;  Wounded Knee didn't need the rice as much as you did, and thus could trade it.  You got what you needed, they got a luxury they were in a position to take.  Maybe if YOU had won the fishing gear during that diving challenge (during which, you may recall, Useless Abi sat out [again] and Insufferable Artis and Wimpy Pete let Mike and RC do all the work), then you would be dealing from strength.  As it was, there wasn't any point in gambling, so Mike took the sure thing.

Hey, what does Apeshit Abi do again, anyway?

"Negotiating? Return on investment?  Guaranteed profit?  Never heard the words."

RC, Reliable Confidant, fills Mike in about Aris (and Pete and Abi) gossiping behind his back.  She says she doesn't like any of them, but if Abi keeps going Apeshit, maybe everyone will hate her.  (Except that her fellow Mean Girls don't seem the type to turn on her and she has the Idol.  Doesn't seem like a Reasonable Chance, IMO.)

Day 16

It's sunny, so there's no problem fishing, and a stingray has even wandered back almost onto shore.  For a second I think that everything is going Wounded Knee's way…but Jonathan can't spear the ray and only gets two tiny fish.  I guess his exploits with the spear in Cook Islands were more about that being a great fishing spot, rather than about his skills.  (Which means that Assy Ozzie, who built an entire rep by snotting about how much his tribe needed him for fishing that season, was basically shooting fish in a barrel, too.  Fuck you, Assy Ozzie.  As always.)

Carter complains that he can't go without food, given that he weighed about 110 pounds when the show started.  Most agree with him but Jonathan says he doesn't need food the way the younger players do.

Gee, maybe it's because you bulked up with 30 pounds of moobs before the show?  Ya think?

Still, he notes that they really need to win the challenge, so…

Challenge! It's the "launch balls and knock the other tribe senseless trying to catch them" challenge, almost guaranteed to cause an injury.  This is where somebody in JT's season lost a tooth.  Having this and the "bowl 'em over" RC in the same episode, it's almost as if the producers want somebody to get hurt.

Again, Poontang must sit out a man and a woman and since Arits can't sit this out (apparently; still no overt mention of the Rule) the other three dudes rock-paper-scissors to see who sits.  It's Mike, along with Useless Abi, of course, who gets to sit this one out, yet again, because she "participated" in the RC by standing on the sidelines for an hour and not voting on the decision.  God, she sucks on so many levels.  It's like a Skyscraper of Suck. 

Lisa and Denise are shooting the balls;  Jonathan is marking Artis, Carter and Malcolm are paired and Pete and Jeff are facing off, although of course anyone can get any ball.  First to "five" wins.  On the first try, Jonathan races in (as Artis is about 70 years old) and gets to a low ball first, making a good catch with the lacrosse stick they're using.  1-0 Wounded Knee.

Second attempt, both RC and Pete use their respective height advantages (and the fact that Miss Delaware isn't athletic and Jeff has a bum knee) to grab the two balls.  Poontang, 2-1

Third attempt, both Katie and Carter miss the balls.  Probst criticizes them for this, conveniently ignoring the fact that they were in position to make the plays and Poontang wasn't.  So it's not like they got outperformed; they just didn't score.

Fourth attempt.  Denise aims another low ball at Jonathan.  He again outruns Immobile Artis (who has been off-camera the whole challenge, it seems) but can't snag the shoestring catch this time.  Lisa waits until after this and lofts one up, but Jeff outreaches everybody for the point.  2-2.

Fifth attempt.  Denise completely airmails her ball, but Jeff is able to snag the high ball Lisa sends up.  Denise "whoo!"s undeservedly.  Apparently Jeff is pretty good at going for the deep balls…it's almost as though he'd been a major league outfielder or something.  (He mostly played second base, but I seem to recall there was one season where either the Astros or Giants put him in center field…I'd have to look that up, though.)  And it's almost as if the producers picked a challenge to play to this strength because they want Wounded Knee to win…

Sixth attempt. Katie forgets to have her hand on the pole at the start (to ensure a fair start, all the outfielders start each round touching one of four poles) and when neither she nor RC can come up with Lisa's ball (Katie had the better shot at it, true), Jeff continues his Hate Parade, going "Katie, completely ineffective in this challenge!"  She's caught as many balls as Artis, Carter and Malcolm combined, but of course, they're MEN, so Probst isn't going to bag on them.  (Nor will he acknowledge that RC, who's Really Competitve at everything, has made a catch, and alleged stud Malcolm has come up empty.)  Meantime, Jeff gets yet another ball, and Wounded Knee leads, 4-2.

Mike tells Lisa to shoot for Malcolm, and as much as the editors want you to think this is brilliant coaching, given that Malcolm gets a ball, he actually snagged Denise's shot, while Lisa's crashed to the ground unattended.  Wounded Knee, 4-3.

Eighth attempt.  Denise aims another long ball at Jeff;  Pete can't go back on these like Jeff can, so he tries to jump up and deflect it.  He completely misses, but when Jeff muffs the catch, Probst fluffs Pete by claiming Pete knocked it out of Jeff's hands.  Yeah, surrre.  Anything to praise the hot boy, huh, Probst? Meantime, Malcolm hooks around Carter and makes a diving snag of Lisa's ball.  Probst spooges in his pants.  4-4.

Jonathan has skinny, defeated Carter switch with Jeff.  I don't know about this; battling for the short balls doesn't seem to be Jeff's forte, and there's no reason Pete can't eat Carter's lunch as much as Malcolm's been doing.  Still, best to cool the hot hand, perhaps.

Ninth (televised) attempt.  Denise sends a low ball for Jonathan, but the ground is choppy in the front and even though he (again) outmaneuvers Immobile Artis, he stumbles and can't make the catch.  Lisa goes short for Malcolm, and Jeff loses the shoving match, also stumbling on the choppy ground, as Malcolm makes the catch (and makes me eat my earlier words), giving Poontang the win.  Mike and Abi congratulate everyone who played, Jeff gives the Idol to Lisa, who immediately hands it off to Abi. Because that's all Abi does for the tribe in challenges;  hold the Idol.

"Gee, it's almost as if I earned it, or something."

Probst makes her give it to Malcolm, since Malcolm was the tribe's star.  Not that he's wrong about that, but I don't remember his making her give RC the idol when River Creature RC did like 90% of the diving challenge.  Just sayin'.

Wounded Knee limps home (metaphorically) and considers the vote out.  Neither Jeff nor Carter wants to lose Denise, so they consider whether to ditch Miss Delaware or follow the original "dump the veteran" possibility.  Carter kind of wants to keep Jonathan because, being gay, he doesn't care how hot Miss Delaware is…er, rather, he thinks that Jonathan would be a target after the merge and "take the heat" off of Jeff and himself.   

That's strategic thinking, but more suited for Big Brother, IMO, where an outnumbered faction can win Head of Household at any time, and so you only need to survive one vote at a time.  Here, Poontang is going to be up either 7-3 or 6-4 at the merge, and if they want to Pagong you, you're all going to go.  Nothing you can do about it.  The arguments for keeping Jonathan are more along the lines of the usefulness of his Idol;  you can use it to block Poontang's strategy, and knowing you have an Idol may make it easier to recruit dissatisfied Poontangers to your side, which you're going to need to do.  Also, if you're down 7-3, they can split the votes and get one of you out, but if it's 6-4, a well-used Idol would send one of them home, so it's still important to win the next Immunity Challenge, and obviously Jonathan would be more use there, because Katie is completely ineffective and…hey, when did Probst start writing this blog?

Jeff might be thinking that Jonathan's Idol will get put back in play and he can grab it for himself, but there's no guarantee of that, and if it is, it would probably only be before the merge, meaning they had three days, tops, to get a clue and find the Idol.  And that's assuming they can blindside Jonathan in the first place.  Seems like Jeff is just swinging for the fences here, but we will see.

Carter is so blown that he asks Jonathan who it's going to be, "Katie or Penner?".  He covers for his error before Jeff can facepalm hard enough to bust an eye socket, and Jonathan, not thinking too clearly either, doesn't know a Freudian slip when he hears one.  For him, the decision is about keeping Denise for strength or keeping Katie because they want to be loyal to the original Wounded Knee tribe (and also presumably worry that Malcolm could influence Denise, after the merge).  Jonathan "decides" on Katie, who promptly walks up to the guys, prompting an immediate "it's Denise" from Jonathan, who then beats a hasty retreat to go fishing.  Katie, who knows an awkward escape when she sees one, asks the other guys what's going on, and while they are non-committal, she urges that they dump Jonathan.

Jeff and Carter confer, knowing that they are the swing votes.  Jeff is wavering now, but is just paranoid about "getting screwed" by Jonathan.  It's the downside of being a returning player; sometimes you run into people who just assume you're so dangerous based on your finishing seventh and twelfth in your two previous attempts.  Seriously, wait until this guy gets beyond being "Juror #3" before you panic about his "skills", okay?  Carter pushes back (well, as forcefully as a wishy-washy emaciated twig can push) that "it's [about] getting there, man!", i.e., let's worry about trusting Jonathan in the end game once we get through the middle game.  Perhaps unfortunately, Jonathan comes up right now, sees the guys struggling about their decision, and blindly assumes it's still about choosing which girl to vote off.  Hey, Jonathan, that's Jeff Kent, not Jeff Probst.  He may not be as automatically inclined to lose the icky females as you think.

Jonathan reassures Carter that voting out Katie will make them "a stronger four".  Ironically, what he is doing is telling the kid that it's okay to break your word to vote out an ally…when Carter is thinking about doing it to him, not Katie.

I guess they won't, at that.

They head off to Tribal, with Jeff interviewing that voting out Katie would be "an easy play".  Hey, nothing wrong with doing the easy thing, Jeff.  No need to make things complicated if you don't need to.  He continues, unleashing a barrage of baseball metaphors: "you [can] strike out or hit a home run, but you go up to the plate, swing the bat".  Ironically, one of the reasons why Jeff was such a good hitter was that he drew plenty of walks…

Tribal!  Probst asks who feels vulnerable and Denise and Katie raise their hands.  Denise because she's still the new kid, and Katie because Probst practically tells Wounded Knee to vote her out every chance he gets.  Probst continues, not at all subtly, "Hey, Jonathan, you know BLINDSIDES HAPPEN,  SHOULDN"T YOU BE WORRIED, HINT, HINT?"  (Well, not quite that obviously, but close.)  Jonathan is like "don't put ideas in their heads, Jeff; I'm trying to not raise the issue of my being a target."  Well, he's too late on two counts; his being a target was fairly guaranteed because he's a returning player, and the decision isn't going to be made at Tribal.  In fact, given that they know you have an Idol, the only possible shift that would happen in votes at the last minute is if the others back off of a blindside attempt, which they would do if they thought you would play the Idol.  Which is a perception that a "gosh, yes, I'm worried, Jeff" speech would aid.  Jes' sayin".

Jeff (Probst) asks Jeff (Kent) if this will be a tough vote, and Kent says that they all like each other a lot, so every vote is tough, and they're just going to blindside people because they don't think their friends deserve an honest answer or something.  (Really, I can't make heads or tails of the logic here.)  Jonathan agrees, blindsiding is simpler, because you don't have any drama at camp beforehand.  (What a wimp.)

Probst, never one for the subtle, asks Jonathan "So if IT'S YOU THAT GETS BLINDSIDED, HINT, HINT, HINT, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE DANGER, IDIOT!"  (I may have added some of that…)  But Jonathan just takes it as a question about being able to deal with defeat and says he wouldn't be happy, but he would respect the gameplay.

Probst asks Kent if he plays any game that's like Survivor.  Uh, how many games would that be, exactly?  Big Brother and Bachelor Pad are about the only two I know of that use the "contestants vote out each other" format in use here.  Kent, fighting hard not to compare this individual game to being part of a 25-man baseball team, says Survivor is unique and that's why it sucks (Probst takes umbrage, rather than accepting this as a shout-out to a certain website…), because you're voting out your friends.  "You take on friends and…you know you're going to blindside your friend because you're too guilty to tell him 'I don't want you here'."

"Hmm, why is Jeff talking about blindsiding a 'him' when we're choosing between the two girls?  That's odd.  Oh, I guess it's probably nothing…"

Probst asks Katie what she's basing her vote on and she plays the "loyalty" card, saying she's going to stick to what she agreed.  Probst asks Jonathan about that, and he's saying that she may be sending a message to someone (but he probably still thinks it's a "get Denise" appeal, since he doesn't know about the Day 1 Cave Conclave, where the five newbies agreed to ditch his ass assap), and then goes on a long ramble about "if it was me, and they told me, I'd probably be scrambling and I might get the vote to ricochet on one of them"…and I'm almost convinced he knows what's coming and is taunting the others by warning them it won't work  But he goes on about how this is good gameplay and that's why he's voting the way he is, the person voted out will get the message "loud and clear" so there's no need to tell them to their face…it just adds to the "ah-gitation" of it all.

Well, first of all, I think this is bullshit reasoning.  Yes, you want to try and blindside someone with an Idol, but as a general rule, man up.  Don't be afraid of some scrambling at camp.  Jeez.  And for a guy who didn't raise his hand because he didn't want to plant the seed of vulnerability in his tribemates' minds, he sure is doing a lot of "if it was me getting voted out" hypothesizing.  Time to go, schmo.

Voting:  Katie votes for Jonathan (oh, excuse me, "Penner"…Probst's surname-usage for his favorites is annoying if everyone starts copying him), and Jonathan votes for Katie.  So clearly he's not playing the Idol, as he wouldn't waste it on her if his closer allies were turning on him.  We get the mild suspense of the other three voting, before the 4-1 vote is revealed, almost certainly for Jonathan.  (What sort of "new force" would Katie be if she got tossed before the merge, after all?)

Probst goes to "tally the votes", but instead of masturbating, this time he attempts to cross out the four "Penner" votes and write "Katie, Katie, damn it, Katie!" on each of them.  But the rest of the producers over-rule him and he comes back with the urn.  He mentions the Idol, everybody looks at Jonathan, blatantly, and Jonathan, aware of this…reaches up and flicks his glasses.  That's pretty toolish.  Not going to miss him that much, after this.

"Not a care in the world."  Well, either that or "Stacy, baby, I'll be Skyping you from sequester, soon!".  One or the other.

Votes:  We see Jonathan's vote for Katie and then Katie's vote for "penner", which makes Jonathan chuckle.  He clearly didn't know she was voting that way.  And I clearly didn't know she was alone, because here come two more "Katie" votes and she's gone.  Wow.  I feel as though I got blindsided; I was sure we were seeing the lead-up to Jonathan getting snuffed.  I guess Probst wasn't trying to push Jonathan into using the Idol to save his returning-player ass; he wanted Jonathan to burn it out of paranoia, and tried to stoke those fires.  Interesting.

Next episode:  Malcolm bonds with Lisa, and everyone has to leave Poontang's beach.  Merge? Shuffle? Utter randomness?  Find out here…unless you already saw the episode back in October.  (Oh, you're no fun!)

WRAP-UP:

As noted, I was misled by the editing of episode 1;  clearly Malcolm and RC and Sneaky Pete (and even Apeshit Abi) are all turning out to to be more of a "new force" than Katie did, her one attempt at a coup aside.  I get the feeling that the girls (well, I'm betting on Dawson, actually) were a bit too obvious about their counter-alliance attempt, and so the guys didn't mind voting them out and sticking with Denise, who seems grateful to be included.

On the plus side, this might mean that Insufferable Artis and Twiggy Carter are not long for the game, either.  Carter still has a chance to grow on me, though.  Well, not physically…boy must be down to 95 lbs by now.

Leave a comment, or Artis will glare at you, judgmentally!  (Okay, he's going to do that anyway.  But still.)

Survivor 6.09, "The Chain"

What better way to take a break from Survivor…than with more Survivor?  This "classic" episode is a different story, though, since I (obviously) know the ending.  But I've never seen it.

Confused?  Don't be.  After watching the first two seasons of Survivor, I drifted away from the show, missing Survivor: Africa and Survivor: Marquesas.  I returned for That Thailand Season Which Jeff Probst Absolutely HATES, liked it better than Jeff did (as I stuck around for the whole thing), but after the first episode of Survivor: Amazon, I wandered again (hey, it was 2004, I was young[er]) and didn't tune in full-time until Thanksgiving Night.  Whacked out on football and tryptophan, I got back in the swing of things, and have been a regular viewer since then.    

But I had missed eight episodes that season, and, through the miracle of illegal downloading, have acquired the entire season on my computer.  (It's lesser-quality video, though…as the screencaps unfortunately evince.)  This is the last of the eight episodes, so I know who's going home in this one, as well as what happens for the rest of the season (although my memories of specific details may be hazy, of course).

What had I missed?  Well, the tribes were divided by gender, 8 men and 8 women.  This being the Amazon, a shitload of machetes were provided (1 per castaway) and the men got to work and built the Shelter-o-Matic 6000.  It helped that all of the guys were fairly well-built, even Rob the "Computer Projects Co-ordinator" (translation: "Barely-employed Nerd who lives in his parents' basement" [yes, really]).  Meanwhile, the women reinforced their gender stereotypes by not accomplishing much around camp and falling prey to factions.  But they rallied and won the first immunity, which was heavily rigged to favor them by making the critical portion a balance-beam challenge.  (A scenario which would be repeated in the second gender-split season, Season 9, Survivor: Vanuatu—Islands of "Feh".)

The guys got together and the young bucks (Daniel and Ryan) figured that they would vote off Roger, the retired oil-company executive/father/boss type.  They were assisted in this by Matthew (restaurant designer with a bit of a mother fixation, very anti-authority), but Roger had Butch (middle school principal) as well as the younger Alex (triathlon coach) and Dave (rocket scientist…yes, really).  This made Rob the Swing Nerd, and he chose to align with Roger, rightly guessing that Roger would prove annoying enough to easily eliminate later.  And so Ryan bit it.  The same scenario basically played out again in episode 2, which sent Daniel right after his buddy, and then, with the men's advantage reasonably dulled, the immunity was more even (a memory challenge), and the guys won it, putting an end to the women feeling good despite not having fire and so on.  Janet, the worn-down older lady who had been accused of sneaking food into her backpack, was an easy first out, but this actually tilted the balance of the tribe.  Joanna, the African-American gospel-invoking powerhouse, had been the top dog, but Deena (30-ish District Attorney, voice like Ellen DeGeneres and an ego twice the size) had befriended Heidi and Jenna, two nitwits whose "social game" mostly involved stripping down for the cameras, be it bathing or getting naked for a peanut butter reward.  (They later did a nude magazine spread together, and it could be argued that this is what they were mostly angling for, anyway.)  Heidi was the sadder of the two, being a plain-faced twig who had bought ridiculously-large breast implants (one forum referred to her as HeiDDi at the time), whereas Jenna was actually hot, and possibly not entirely vapid.  With the backing of Heidi and Jenna, Deena was able to convince Shawna (frizzy-haired cutie, but high-maintenance) not to quit, and was able to send Joanna home.  She then basked in her power, unaware that…

…a tribal switch was coming!  Dave and Jenna, as the youngest of the tribes, were sent on an overnight reward, where they ate, flirted (and possibly fucked) before doing a "pick 'em" for new tribes in the morning.  The upshot was that Rob, Matthew and Alex were sent to the girls' camp, to be with Deena, Jenna, and Shawna (Team "-na"), while Dave kept the two middle-aged guys for himself, and added Heidi, Jeanne (hardworking 40-something) and Christy (deaf and thus somewhat isolated, but plucky and strong).  Team -na won the first immunity, and Dave convinced Heidi to swing to his side of the gender split, sending Jeanne home.

The guys who had been away all bonded with the women (none of them had particularly liked Roger, anyway) and Rob and Deena formed a secret cross-gender alliance, sharing the bond that "power-hungry egomaniacs amazed by their own coolness" everywhere share.  Rob also had a fairly legitimate alliance with Alex, and a completely fake final two deal with Matthew, whom he'd actually been demonizing behind his back, saying that Matthew took such good care of his machete he was liable to kill them all and so forth.  (Matthew was somewhat aloof, socially austere, immensely muscled and, as mentioned, a restaurant designer whose mother was the sole woman in his life…if you're thinking he sounds like a closet gym queen, you might be right, although no contestant was identified as gay on the show. [Not even Butch, with his Freddie Mercury mustache.]  I don't know if Rob's possible perception of Matt's possible gayness played into his ostracism campaign, but it wouldn't surprise me, sadly.)  Overall, they formed a much more cohesive group than "Roger, his two ass-kissers, and the girls they're looking to ditch", but Christy won the immunity for Roger's tribe (log-rolling challenge) and Shawna got to go home, after all.

Episode 7 saw the tribes merge, and after a night where the young folks talked extensively about sex around the fire (threesomes were mentioned…it seemed as though Heidi might have done some ladylicking to get male attention and Jenna might even have done it for fun [Jenna has been married to a guy since about 2006, however]), Roger felt good, since there were now six guys to four girls.  But, as planned, the Rob/Matthew/Alex trio voted with the girls, and Roger got the inevitable (from episode 1) axe.  This left Dave strategically isolated and a visible target (due to his physical skills), and when he was eliminated early in the pecking-order challenge (Jenna won), he was dead meat.  And thus ended episode 8.

So…here we go!

Previously on Survivor…pretty much some of what I just told you.

Credits.  Full ones, of course…back then, this wasn't even an issue.

It's just before dawn and Rob is having a pre-dawn "strategy meeting" with Matthew.  We cut to an interview where Rob says the things that he is saying (such as that the women are dissatisfied with Deena's "leadership role") are "wild goose chases" he gives Matthew to keep his mind on, so that Matt doesn't twig to what's really going on.  As we return to the conversation, the editors play comic "spy" music, lots of strumming bass and blaring trumpets, as he fills Matt's head with "a lot of crazy stuff" about Matt being the biggest threat, and so on.  Rob tells Matthew that they're going to for an all-guys alliance (it's 4-4 now, gender-wise) and that he needs to pull Butch in, but Butch is on "a need-to-know" basis.  They split up and head back to camp by separate routes, so as not to arouse suspicion.

The editors keep up the spy music as Matthew and Butch go fishing in the canoe, even throwing in a blaxploitation film guitar riff every now and then.  Deadly serious, Matt tells Butch that they (the men) are going to be a chain (hence the episode title), linked together but not an obvious group.  (We don't get the full explanation, but clearly Matthew envisions Alex "linked" to Rob, who is "linked" to him and now he is linked to Butch.  Matt interviews that he told Butch that he (Matthew) will initiate all (strategic) conversations, he will decide what information Butch gets…everything will run through him.  

MATTHEW:  "I don't want you to say anything about our conversations; they don't exist.  We don't talk about anything.  [As far as the others know, he means.]"

BUTCH: "We don't talk about anything."

MATTHEW: "I will initiate all communication."

BUTCH: "You will initiate all communication."

In his interview, Butch appears to struggle a little with the metaphor, but likes the idea, because now he's part of a group, and (obviously) Matthew is a bigger target.

Back at camp, Rob is regaling the others about how he has Matthew completely fooled and Matt's doing whatever Rob says for him to do.  And let's be clear, the editors are having just as much fun with the "let's all laugh at Matthew" aspect of this sequence as Rob is, and maybe even playing into the "look how cool Rob is" aspect that Rob so desperately wants everyone to see (seriously, there's no reason to hold a fucking meeting about how you're playing Matthew…someone could use that against you, later), but…SPOILER ALERT…here's where knowing what happens down the road makes this far more awesome than Rob could ever imagine.

Because, all snickering and making fun of the unpopular kid aside, what has In-Crowd Wannabe Rob actually accomplished here?  He has gotten Matt and Butch to forge an alliance that Matt has total control over!  There was a core group of five (Alex, Rob, Deena, Heidi, Jenna) and three people who were not only not in the group (although Rob had Christy present at his "Matthew is Such a Fool Theater" performance), but not really connected to each other…the old guy, the weird guy people are uneasy around, and the deaf girl.  Now, Rob has gotten two of those three to consolidate their forces, and he's fucking bragging about it!  Idiot.  He has just, effectively, doubled Matthew's power in the game; now whenever anyone thinks about getting rid of Matthew (as Rob interviews that the group intends) there is the chance that someone could think "why eliminate Matthew and have to play the game one vote at a time, when I can use the fact that Matt (essentially) has two votes and get out somebody I might not be able to eliminate on my own?"

As…no SPOILER ALERT needed here, I'm sure…someone will.  Very soon.

Oh, and those "wild goose chases" Rob was so proud of sending Matt on?  Turns out they weren't actually lies, after all.  Rob's girl Deena is somewhat vulnerable with the other girls, even if Heidi and Jenna hadn't been actually bitching to Rob as he told Matthew…the two bimbos may have been glad to "let Deena do it" thus far in the game, but obviously they're closer to each other than either is to Deena, so Rob's fellow mastermind is actually vulnerable on that score.  And Matt's being the biggest threat?  Well, he is, physically at least.  (And mentally, as we start to see.)  His one weakness is his social game…and Rob has just helped Matt firm up his leverage there very nicely indeed.  Yeah, Rob, you're a fucking genius.  Go congratulate yourself some more.  Tool.

Treemail!  The next reward challenge is for coffee (ugh, never been a fan) and will be a target challenge:  bows, spears, blow-pipes. Rob keeps up the "should we really be giving Matthew more weapons?" riff as they take the practice equipment back to camp, to Deena's semi-amusement, and Rob predicts that Matthew is going to have an orgasm and will easily win the challenge.  

And indeed, Matt has an orgasm.  Oh, wait, sorry, I mean he's obviously the best in practice (Rob can't even hit the target, Heidi can't even shoot the bow) but he's thinking of throwing the challenge, so as not to look like an obvious super-threat, the way Dave did by randomly climbing trees around camp and such.  Rob interviews mockingly (of course) about how he congratulated Matthew on his strategy, but hey…it makes sense to me.  And also, Rob is a tool.  

They wander through the jungle, meet Jeff (the challenge areas were a lot less open then; I guess cutting down huge tracts of jungle was looked down upon by the Brazilians), and find out there will be a "coffee bar" with pastries, as well, for the winner. 

First round is the blowpipe.  Christy gets a 3, Matthew (not yet throwing it) wows Jeff with a 10-pt bullseye, Butch gets 5, Rob gets 3, Alex gets a pretty nice 7, Jenna gets 3, Deena gets 5 (eliminating all the losers at 3), and Heidi sucks really hard (heh) and of course doesn't even come close to the target.  So three men and Deena advance, which is pretty much what you'd expect.

Spearchucking!  Matt bullseyes, again, Deena limp-arms a miss, Butch manages a 3/5 and Alex eliminates him with 7.  So  Matt is clearly the best, but Alex is a decent second…it shouldn't be too hard to let Alex take the final, I'm thinking.

Archery!  From a tower, with arrows that have trident-style tips.  Matt concentrates and "pulls" his shot for a 3.  He looks convincingly stricken as Rob tells Jenna "This guy is a nincompoop".  Not sure if he's referring to the "miss" or if he's clued Jenna in about Matt's plan to throw it and is mocking Matthew for it.  (That seems the more likely option, I'd guess.)  Alex musters up a 5 and wins, as he an Matthew offer each other manly congratulations of bro-dom.

Alex gets to choose one partner for the reward, and chooses Jenna, because he wants a blowjob and Heidi (implants or not) is just dogly.  Matt continues looking gloomy and Christy shoots him a confused "why didn't Alex take you?" look.  

"I am sad. So sad.  So very, very sad…"

Gee, Rob, I guess Matthew's taking a dive did help him strategically after all.  The "outs" are coming together now.  Not bad for a "nincompoop", huh?  (Of course, Christy didn't hear that remark, being deaf.  And, seriously, who says "nincompoop", anyway?  Don't be a smartypants, tool.)

Oh and Heidi seems upset that Alex didn't even pretend to deliberate about choosing Jenna, too.

"But…my implants have lots of sugar in them!  No, wait, that's saline…"

Looks like throwing the reward may be splitting the in-crowd even as Matthew gathers support.  Worth (not) playing for, I'd say.

Jeff takes Alex and Jenna to the coffee bar, where they consume lots of coffee, sugary treats, and sugar in their coffee.  Jenna describes herself as "a bottomless pit" and, given that she's a fucking swimsuit model, it's tempting to say that she had like two bites and is exaggerating, but we've already seen (on her reward dinner with Dave in episode 5) that she can eat and eat and never gain an ounce.  No wonder people hate her.  Nice metabolism.  (Or, possibly, a tapeworm.)

Back at camp, Deena interviews that looking good in reward challenges can make you a target, and indeed, she's got Alex on the brain now.  Yeah, yeah, Matthew is still target #1, but what if he wins immunity?  She asks Heidi if she would be willing to vote out Alex instead of Butch, as Rob visibly goggles at this development:

"But, but…Matt throwing the challenge can't possibly have helped his game!  I was laughing at him for thinking that!  He's a nincompoop, for Pete's sake! Argh!"

Back at the bar (not sponsored by Starbucks, which is something of a surprise in those early, plug-happy, seasons), Alex and Jenna continue to enjoy getting mega-caffeinated.  Jenna says she's so excited that she met such cool people here…him, Rob, Heidi.  Notice who's missing?  Yep, Deena.  (But, Rob…I thought the young girls not liking Deena was just this lie you made up to fool Matthew?  I'm so confused, Oh Wise One!)

Alex points out that Deena is only 30 to his 27, but she seems much older.  Jenna says because she's so "strict" and Jenna just doesn't know where (Deena) "is at" any more.  Like, she's always thinking up some new plot…

Nicely edited cut to Deena trying to rally Heidi, Christy, and Rob into an "Alex needs to go" grouping.  You may notice that Matthew and Butch are completely absent here (off fishing again), but what Rob can't grasp is that this is actually *helping* Match (Matt/Butch) here…Deena and Heidi are still "of course Matt first…", but with them not present, not reminding anyone of their existence, not looking like a threat, the Deenas of the world move on to other scenarios, and she's clearly now making a move against Alex.  So Matthew (at Rob's "humorous" urging, remember) has essentially stepped deftly out of the picture, and now the group is turning on itself.

It's like, like…Rob actually isn't the greatest mastermind in Survivor history, or something!  Like he's just an attention-starved, egomaniacal tool!  No, wait, that can't be right…

Rob says they would need Jenna to approve of the "vote out Alex" plan, and Deena (not short on ego herself, by any means) basically waves that away, saying she can "finesse" Jenna.  (The editors give us "reaction shots" of Heidi and Rob looking dubious, at this.)  Rob says he has a secret Final Two deal with Deena, so he has to go along with this, and turns his attention back to fishing from the shore…and promptly gets his line caught in a tree branch. 

Deena interviews that "I feel as if we're in control, Rob and I.  Ultimately, I'm in control.  You know, because I always have a back-up plan after my back-up plan fails"

Might want a back-up to  your back-up back-up there, Ellen.  You never know.  [SPOILER:  Deena does not win the season.]

 "You always have to be thinking, 24/7, here…and it's making my head hurt."  Heidi's head, on the other hand, remains presumably untroubled.

Alex and Jenna zip back to camp (5 coffees apiece!) and volunteer to take fire-watch, since they clearly won't be sleeping any time soon.  Alex also brought cookies, two for everybody.  Rob suggests eating the cookies reserved for Matt and Butch, out fishing in the canoe, because how are they going to know, and if someone tells them, what can they do?  Yeah, why worry about having five people who can tell two other people that you deliberately stole their food?  Nothing to worry about, nuh-uh!  

God, he's SUCH a tool.  I don't remember hating him this much the first time.  Although I was always captivated by Matthew, I admit.

After sunset, Match come back, having caught two fish, and their cookies are in fact there, since Alex is not a tool the way Rob is.  Rob interviews that Deena had told Heidi not to tell Jenna about the plan to ditch Alex, but Heidi got Jenna alone a.s.a.p. and spilled everything.  Heidi interviews that Alex and Jenna were her original alliance (see she never really considered Deena in the group, much though Rob didn't believe that was an issue) and she's not turning on them.  So both brainiacs that are "running the game" are actually on the outs with the "Alex and his Bimbos" high school clique at the center of the power…who would have imagined.  Guess you shouldn't be making fun of Matt's social game, huh, Rob?  And maybe it's not a great idea to help Matthew form an alliance while your own alliance is actually built on sand, huh?

Jenna is PISSED, and tells Alex, and now the Himbo/Bimbo Trio wants Deena gone.  Alex gets Rob and asks him about it, and Rob (get this!) goes "How do you know that?"  Gee, thanks for telling Alex that you knew about it and you weren't planning on telling him, Tool.  So Alex is now also "Matt first, of course, but then…" and thinks Rob will be with him to vote out Deena.

Heidi has a spider bite and her knee is swollen.  I only mention this because it's somewhat important down the road.

Treemail!  It's the "Immunity or Food" challenge, where you can be eating or competing, but not both.  Deena IMMEDIATELY (like before Alex finishes reading the message) says "I'm eating", because she knows she's safe!  Alex and Matt need immunity, not her!

Luckily for Deena, she won't get the Super-Deluxe plate of Hubris, because the challenge is actually the gross-food-eating challenge.  IT WAS ALL A SWERVE!  Two people (the last to finish) will be eliminated each round, and then we will face off for the immunity.  First up, grasshopper, extra-large.

Matt, Deena, and Alex rock it with no problem, while Jenna quits early on.  Rob and Butch muddle through, and while Christy keeps gagging on hers, she still finishes before Heidi.

Next up, 10 live coconut worms!  Matt tilts his bowl and is done almost before Probst says "go".  Deena and Alex finish soon after, and Christy doesn't gag this time, so it's by-bye Rob and Butch.  Not that they're in danger, anyhow.

Third round is five beetles, extra crispy.  Matt chugs away, finishing first, and Christy again struggles with the dry crunchy food, so it's Deena vs. Alex for the second spot in the finale, and Deena pulls it out.  She's sitting pretty now, right?  If she wins, Matthew goes home, and if he wins, well, there's always Alex…

The final round i s a big, fat, live grub.  Pincers removed, but still with its teeth.  Jeff says "go", Deena simply defers, and Matt swallows it whole, in two seconds flat.  Jeff is amazed he didn't kill it, but Matt says he'll let his digestive juices do that job, "hopefully".  And he wins a semi-honest amount of respect from Rob, who goes "this guy is crazy!", flat-out admiration from Butch, Alex, and even Heidi, and a calculated "Good job, Matthew" from Jenna.  And, oh, yeah…immunity.

Back at camp, Deena fairly obviously pulls Jenna aside to fill her in on all the stuff she doesn't yet realize that Heidi already filled Jenna in on…two nights ago.  Way to go, Deputy D.A. DeGeneres!  She's frankly excited about getting rid of Alex:

I SO rule. [Fool]

Let's hear the latest speech from Hubris HQ, shall we?

"Alex needed to win to save his hiney. (Shakes head, grinning.)  Didn't happen.  My ass would really have had to been on the line today for me to have eaten that grotesque…thing.  But everybody is still with me, [so] why even try?"  OOOH! OOOH!  MIster Kotter, Mister Kotter, I know this one, please?  Because Immunity is a constant and people's loyalties are variable, am I right?  Am I right?

Deena talks to Jenna, later interviewing that she "convinced" Jenna (given that Jenna does nothing but agree immediately with everything Deena says, you might think that D.A. DeGeneres might get suspicious, but no) and they "seal" it with a pinky-swear.  Jenna promptly tells Alex that she's so angry, and interviews that she feels really betrayed and she can't forgive Deena, EVER! Fuck you and your pinky-swear, old woman!

Jenna complains that Deena says she has Rob and thus Matt.  Alex notes that if that's true, they're kind of fucked.  Deena tells Rob and Christy that Alex is planning a move against them, that the Himbo/Bimbo connection won't be broken.  She congratulates herself because Rob has Matt and Matt has Butch, overlooking the part where Rob thought the whole "chain" idea was a big joke.  Now it's a weapon, but which way will Rob swing it?

Rob, being Italian ("Cesternino") attempts a mafia metaphor, but give it a rest, kid.

Tribal!  Dave is introduced as the first member of the jury, and he doesn't look real happy about it. Hasn't even gone back to clean-shaven, although I think his beard got a trim.  Probst asks Heidi about her knee, asks Deena if people are starting to jockey for position, and asks Alex…well, I don't really remember what he asked Alex, since Alex takes the opportunity to question the "ethics" of "stabbing somebody in the back".  Probst asks Matt if he needed immunity and Matt demurs (as everyone else tries to keep from laughing in his face), but says he's not giving it up.  Alex says he'd love to have immunity because he's here to play (another "rally-the-troops" dog-whistle, as he subtly highlights Deena's quitting in the final round of the immunity) and Deena says if her name comes up, it's because of that grub.  Which is actually a good reason to vote for her, since she nearly won and we won't be having that challenge again.

Voting!  This is back in the days when we would get to see a bunch of votes each time, so…I'm guessing we see Deena, Jenna, Alex, and maybe Heidi as well.  Or Christy to balance the non-"chain" votes out.  But Rob/Matt/Butch is the swing, it appears.

Christy votes for Alex, whispering something about his being a threat.  Butch votes, unseen.  Jenna votes for Deena, giving one of the best High School Revenge speeches ever on this show:

"You lied to me and betrayed me.  You screwed me.  Now, screw you."

In the words of Xander Harris:  "You have to admire the purity of it."

Deena votes for Alex, with more "threat" talk.  Matt votes, unseen.  Alex votes for Deena, saying "I'd actually love to go up against you in court…because you are the worst liar…I've met in my life."  Heidi and Rob vote, both unseen.  

Probst goes to masturbate, er, "tally the vote", washes his hands, and returns.  The votes go Deena, Deena, Alex, Alex, and they both have pretty good poker faces so far.  Then Deena again, then "Denna" (I'm guessing that was Heidi's vote, which is why we didn't hear her speak…the editors didn't want to spotlight her spelling skills) and Deena looks worried now…as she should be, because she's gone.

"Deena, the tribe has spoken.  It's time for you to go."  

Yeah, Jeff, she's already leaving.  You really don't need to nag.

Next time:  Rob and the Cool Kids slack, flaunting their power!  Jenna and Heidi get sniffly, but Heidi says they are happy tears.  Oh, thank nonexistent god.

Deena says she wanted to "change the face of the game" and vote out the threats.  Sounds a litlte lesbian-separatist, I think.  But, she says, people change, and there are "attachments"…she just hopes "people" (i.e., Jenna) can live with what they've done.  Judging from Jenna's speech while voting, I think she's managing to live with it just fine.

It occurs to me that since Deena only saw five votes against her, she may think she lost 5-3, not 6-2.  (Nowadays, they'd show the third "Alex" vote to drag out the suspense, but early on they sometimes hid votes to keep the castaways in the dark about things like this.)  So perhaps she thinks that only Jenna voted with the guys, not Heidi as well.   Still, there's one big clue D.A. DeGeneres really should have caught:

Too bad they don't sell brain implants, huh?  And thus endeth Team -na.

WRAP-UP:  It's interesting to look back and see Deena (whom I knew was gone all along) actively sow the seeds of her own destruction.  She clearly overestimated her pull with the girls' alliance, apparently forgetting that boys are generally the downfall of such plans.  And I did like the fire that Jenna brought…for its genre, that was a damn good voting speech.

Leave a comment, or Rob will mock you mercilessly!  Of course, he may be oblivious to the fact that he's actually helping your game and hurting his own, but why let logic spoil the fun?