What better way to take a break from Survivor…than with more Survivor? This "classic" episode is a different story, though, since I (obviously) know the ending. But I've never seen it.
Confused? Don't be. After watching the first two seasons of Survivor, I drifted away from the show, missing Survivor: Africa and Survivor: Marquesas. I returned for That Thailand Season Which Jeff Probst Absolutely HATES, liked it better than Jeff did (as I stuck around for the whole thing), but after the first episode of Survivor: Amazon, I wandered again (hey, it was 2004, I was young[er]) and didn't tune in full-time until Thanksgiving Night. Whacked out on football and tryptophan, I got back in the swing of things, and have been a regular viewer since then.
But I had missed eight episodes that season, and, through the miracle of illegal downloading, have acquired the entire season on my computer. (It's lesser-quality video, though…as the screencaps unfortunately evince.) This is the last of the eight episodes, so I know who's going home in this one, as well as what happens for the rest of the season (although my memories of specific details may be hazy, of course).
What had I missed? Well, the tribes were divided by gender, 8 men and 8 women. This being the Amazon, a shitload of machetes were provided (1 per castaway) and the men got to work and built the Shelter-o-Matic 6000. It helped that all of the guys were fairly well-built, even Rob the "Computer Projects Co-ordinator" (translation: "Barely-employed Nerd who lives in his parents' basement" [yes, really]). Meanwhile, the women reinforced their gender stereotypes by not accomplishing much around camp and falling prey to factions. But they rallied and won the first immunity, which was heavily rigged to favor them by making the critical portion a balance-beam challenge. (A scenario which would be repeated in the second gender-split season, Season 9, Survivor: Vanuatu—Islands of "Feh".)
The guys got together and the young bucks (Daniel and Ryan) figured that they would vote off Roger, the retired oil-company executive/father/boss type. They were assisted in this by Matthew (restaurant designer with a bit of a mother fixation, very anti-authority), but Roger had Butch (middle school principal) as well as the younger Alex (triathlon coach) and Dave (rocket scientist…yes, really). This made Rob the Swing Nerd, and he chose to align with Roger, rightly guessing that Roger would prove annoying enough to easily eliminate later. And so Ryan bit it. The same scenario basically played out again in episode 2, which sent Daniel right after his buddy, and then, with the men's advantage reasonably dulled, the immunity was more even (a memory challenge), and the guys won it, putting an end to the women feeling good despite not having fire and so on. Janet, the worn-down older lady who had been accused of sneaking food into her backpack, was an easy first out, but this actually tilted the balance of the tribe. Joanna, the African-American gospel-invoking powerhouse, had been the top dog, but Deena (30-ish District Attorney, voice like Ellen DeGeneres and an ego twice the size) had befriended Heidi and Jenna, two nitwits whose "social game" mostly involved stripping down for the cameras, be it bathing or getting naked for a peanut butter reward. (They later did a nude magazine spread together, and it could be argued that this is what they were mostly angling for, anyway.) Heidi was the sadder of the two, being a plain-faced twig who had bought ridiculously-large breast implants (one forum referred to her as HeiDDi at the time), whereas Jenna was actually hot, and possibly not entirely vapid. With the backing of Heidi and Jenna, Deena was able to convince Shawna (frizzy-haired cutie, but high-maintenance) not to quit, and was able to send Joanna home. She then basked in her power, unaware that…
…a tribal switch was coming! Dave and Jenna, as the youngest of the tribes, were sent on an overnight reward, where they ate, flirted (and possibly fucked) before doing a "pick 'em" for new tribes in the morning. The upshot was that Rob, Matthew and Alex were sent to the girls' camp, to be with Deena, Jenna, and Shawna (Team "-na"), while Dave kept the two middle-aged guys for himself, and added Heidi, Jeanne (hardworking 40-something) and Christy (deaf and thus somewhat isolated, but plucky and strong). Team -na won the first immunity, and Dave convinced Heidi to swing to his side of the gender split, sending Jeanne home.
The guys who had been away all bonded with the women (none of them had particularly liked Roger, anyway) and Rob and Deena formed a secret cross-gender alliance, sharing the bond that "power-hungry egomaniacs amazed by their own coolness" everywhere share. Rob also had a fairly legitimate alliance with Alex, and a completely fake final two deal with Matthew, whom he'd actually been demonizing behind his back, saying that Matthew took such good care of his machete he was liable to kill them all and so forth. (Matthew was somewhat aloof, socially austere, immensely muscled and, as mentioned, a restaurant designer whose mother was the sole woman in his life…if you're thinking he sounds like a closet gym queen, you might be right, although no contestant was identified as gay on the show. [Not even Butch, with his Freddie Mercury mustache.] I don't know if Rob's possible perception of Matt's possible gayness played into his ostracism campaign, but it wouldn't surprise me, sadly.) Overall, they formed a much more cohesive group than "Roger, his two ass-kissers, and the girls they're looking to ditch", but Christy won the immunity for Roger's tribe (log-rolling challenge) and Shawna got to go home, after all.
Episode 7 saw the tribes merge, and after a night where the young folks talked extensively about sex around the fire (threesomes were mentioned…it seemed as though Heidi might have done some ladylicking to get male attention and Jenna might even have done it for fun [Jenna has been married to a guy since about 2006, however]), Roger felt good, since there were now six guys to four girls. But, as planned, the Rob/Matthew/Alex trio voted with the girls, and Roger got the inevitable (from episode 1) axe. This left Dave strategically isolated and a visible target (due to his physical skills), and when he was eliminated early in the pecking-order challenge (Jenna won), he was dead meat. And thus ended episode 8.
So…here we go!
Previously on Survivor…pretty much some of what I just told you.
Credits. Full ones, of course…back then, this wasn't even an issue.
It's just before dawn and Rob is having a pre-dawn "strategy meeting" with Matthew. We cut to an interview where Rob says the things that he is saying (such as that the women are dissatisfied with Deena's "leadership role") are "wild goose chases" he gives Matthew to keep his mind on, so that Matt doesn't twig to what's really going on. As we return to the conversation, the editors play comic "spy" music, lots of strumming bass and blaring trumpets, as he fills Matt's head with "a lot of crazy stuff" about Matt being the biggest threat, and so on. Rob tells Matthew that they're going to for an all-guys alliance (it's 4-4 now, gender-wise) and that he needs to pull Butch in, but Butch is on "a need-to-know" basis. They split up and head back to camp by separate routes, so as not to arouse suspicion.
The editors keep up the spy music as Matthew and Butch go fishing in the canoe, even throwing in a blaxploitation film guitar riff every now and then. Deadly serious, Matt tells Butch that they (the men) are going to be a chain (hence the episode title), linked together but not an obvious group. (We don't get the full explanation, but clearly Matthew envisions Alex "linked" to Rob, who is "linked" to him and now he is linked to Butch. Matt interviews that he told Butch that he (Matthew) will initiate all (strategic) conversations, he will decide what information Butch gets…everything will run through him.
MATTHEW: "I don't want you to say anything about our conversations; they don't exist. We don't talk about anything. [As far as the others know, he means.]"
BUTCH: "We don't talk about anything."
MATTHEW: "I will initiate all communication."
BUTCH: "You will initiate all communication."
In his interview, Butch appears to struggle a little with the metaphor, but likes the idea, because now he's part of a group, and (obviously) Matthew is a bigger target.
Back at camp, Rob is regaling the others about how he has Matthew completely fooled and Matt's doing whatever Rob says for him to do. And let's be clear, the editors are having just as much fun with the "let's all laugh at Matthew" aspect of this sequence as Rob is, and maybe even playing into the "look how cool Rob is" aspect that Rob so desperately wants everyone to see (seriously, there's no reason to hold a fucking meeting about how you're playing Matthew…someone could use that against you, later), but…SPOILER ALERT…here's where knowing what happens down the road makes this far more awesome than Rob could ever imagine.
Because, all snickering and making fun of the unpopular kid aside, what has In-Crowd Wannabe Rob actually accomplished here? He has gotten Matt and Butch to forge an alliance that Matt has total control over! There was a core group of five (Alex, Rob, Deena, Heidi, Jenna) and three people who were not only not in the group (although Rob had Christy present at his "Matthew is Such a Fool Theater" performance), but not really connected to each other…the old guy, the weird guy people are uneasy around, and the deaf girl. Now, Rob has gotten two of those three to consolidate their forces, and he's fucking bragging about it! Idiot. He has just, effectively, doubled Matthew's power in the game; now whenever anyone thinks about getting rid of Matthew (as Rob interviews that the group intends) there is the chance that someone could think "why eliminate Matthew and have to play the game one vote at a time, when I can use the fact that Matt (essentially) has two votes and get out somebody I might not be able to eliminate on my own?"
As…no SPOILER ALERT needed here, I'm sure…someone will. Very soon.
Oh, and those "wild goose chases" Rob was so proud of sending Matt on? Turns out they weren't actually lies, after all. Rob's girl Deena is somewhat vulnerable with the other girls, even if Heidi and Jenna hadn't been actually bitching to Rob as he told Matthew…the two bimbos may have been glad to "let Deena do it" thus far in the game, but obviously they're closer to each other than either is to Deena, so Rob's fellow mastermind is actually vulnerable on that score. And Matt's being the biggest threat? Well, he is, physically at least. (And mentally, as we start to see.) His one weakness is his social game…and Rob has just helped Matt firm up his leverage there very nicely indeed. Yeah, Rob, you're a fucking genius. Go congratulate yourself some more. Tool.
Treemail! The next reward challenge is for coffee (ugh, never been a fan) and will be a target challenge: bows, spears, blow-pipes. Rob keeps up the "should we really be giving Matthew more weapons?" riff as they take the practice equipment back to camp, to Deena's semi-amusement, and Rob predicts that Matthew is going to have an orgasm and will easily win the challenge.
And indeed, Matt has an orgasm. Oh, wait, sorry, I mean he's obviously the best in practice (Rob can't even hit the target, Heidi can't even shoot the bow) but he's thinking of throwing the challenge, so as not to look like an obvious super-threat, the way Dave did by randomly climbing trees around camp and such. Rob interviews mockingly (of course) about how he congratulated Matthew on his strategy, but hey…it makes sense to me. And also, Rob is a tool.
They wander through the jungle, meet Jeff (the challenge areas were a lot less open then; I guess cutting down huge tracts of jungle was looked down upon by the Brazilians), and find out there will be a "coffee bar" with pastries, as well, for the winner.
First round is the blowpipe. Christy gets a 3, Matthew (not yet throwing it) wows Jeff with a 10-pt bullseye, Butch gets 5, Rob gets 3, Alex gets a pretty nice 7, Jenna gets 3, Deena gets 5 (eliminating all the losers at 3), and Heidi sucks really hard (heh) and of course doesn't even come close to the target. So three men and Deena advance, which is pretty much what you'd expect.
Spearchucking! Matt bullseyes, again, Deena limp-arms a miss, Butch manages a 3/5 and Alex eliminates him with 7. So Matt is clearly the best, but Alex is a decent second…it shouldn't be too hard to let Alex take the final, I'm thinking.
Archery! From a tower, with arrows that have trident-style tips. Matt concentrates and "pulls" his shot for a 3. He looks convincingly stricken as Rob tells Jenna "This guy is a nincompoop". Not sure if he's referring to the "miss" or if he's clued Jenna in about Matt's plan to throw it and is mocking Matthew for it. (That seems the more likely option, I'd guess.) Alex musters up a 5 and wins, as he an Matthew offer each other manly congratulations of bro-dom.
Alex gets to choose one partner for the reward, and chooses Jenna, because he wants a blowjob and Heidi (implants or not) is just dogly. Matt continues looking gloomy and Christy shoots him a confused "why didn't Alex take you?" look.
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| "I am sad. So sad. So very, very sad…" |
Gee, Rob, I guess Matthew's taking a dive did help him strategically after all. The "outs" are coming together now. Not bad for a "nincompoop", huh? (Of course, Christy didn't hear that remark, being deaf. And, seriously, who says "nincompoop", anyway? Don't be a smartypants, tool.)
Oh and Heidi seems upset that Alex didn't even pretend to deliberate about choosing Jenna, too.
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| "But…my implants have lots of sugar in them! No, wait, that's saline…" |
Looks like throwing the reward may be splitting the in-crowd even as Matthew gathers support. Worth (not) playing for, I'd say.
Jeff takes Alex and Jenna to the coffee bar, where they consume lots of coffee, sugary treats, and sugar in their coffee. Jenna describes herself as "a bottomless pit" and, given that she's a fucking swimsuit model, it's tempting to say that she had like two bites and is exaggerating, but we've already seen (on her reward dinner with Dave in episode 5) that she can eat and eat and never gain an ounce. No wonder people hate her. Nice metabolism. (Or, possibly, a tapeworm.)
Back at camp, Deena interviews that looking good in reward challenges can make you a target, and indeed, she's got Alex on the brain now. Yeah, yeah, Matthew is still target #1, but what if he wins immunity? She asks Heidi if she would be willing to vote out Alex instead of Butch, as Rob visibly goggles at this development:
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| "But, but…Matt throwing the challenge can't possibly have helped his game! I was laughing at him for thinking that! He's a nincompoop, for Pete's sake! Argh!" |
Back at the bar (not sponsored by Starbucks, which is something of a surprise in those early, plug-happy, seasons), Alex and Jenna continue to enjoy getting mega-caffeinated. Jenna says she's so excited that she met such cool people here…him, Rob, Heidi. Notice who's missing? Yep, Deena. (But, Rob…I thought the young girls not liking Deena was just this lie you made up to fool Matthew? I'm so confused, Oh Wise One!)
Alex points out that Deena is only 30 to his 27, but she seems much older. Jenna says because she's so "strict" and Jenna just doesn't know where (Deena) "is at" any more. Like, she's always thinking up some new plot…
Nicely edited cut to Deena trying to rally Heidi, Christy, and Rob into an "Alex needs to go" grouping. You may notice that Matthew and Butch are completely absent here (off fishing again), but what Rob can't grasp is that this is actually *helping* Match (Matt/Butch) here…Deena and Heidi are still "of course Matt first…", but with them not present, not reminding anyone of their existence, not looking like a threat, the Deenas of the world move on to other scenarios, and she's clearly now making a move against Alex. So Matthew (at Rob's "humorous" urging, remember) has essentially stepped deftly out of the picture, and now the group is turning on itself.
It's like, like…Rob actually isn't the greatest mastermind in Survivor history, or something! Like he's just an attention-starved, egomaniacal tool! No, wait, that can't be right…
Rob says they would need Jenna to approve of the "vote out Alex" plan, and Deena (not short on ego herself, by any means) basically waves that away, saying she can "finesse" Jenna. (The editors give us "reaction shots" of Heidi and Rob looking dubious, at this.) Rob says he has a secret Final Two deal with Deena, so he has to go along with this, and turns his attention back to fishing from the shore…and promptly gets his line caught in a tree branch.
Deena interviews that "I feel as if we're in control, Rob and I. Ultimately, I'm in control. You know, because I always have a back-up plan after my back-up plan fails"
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| Might want a back-up to your back-up back-up there, Ellen. You never know. [SPOILER: Deena does not win the season.] |
"You always have to be thinking, 24/7, here…and it's making my head hurt." Heidi's head, on the other hand, remains presumably untroubled.
Alex and Jenna zip back to camp (5 coffees apiece!) and volunteer to take fire-watch, since they clearly won't be sleeping any time soon. Alex also brought cookies, two for everybody. Rob suggests eating the cookies reserved for Matt and Butch, out fishing in the canoe, because how are they going to know, and if someone tells them, what can they do? Yeah, why worry about having five people who can tell two other people that you deliberately stole their food? Nothing to worry about, nuh-uh!
God, he's SUCH a tool. I don't remember hating him this much the first time. Although I was always captivated by Matthew, I admit.
After sunset, Match come back, having caught two fish, and their cookies are in fact there, since Alex is not a tool the way Rob is. Rob interviews that Deena had told Heidi not to tell Jenna about the plan to ditch Alex, but Heidi got Jenna alone a.s.a.p. and spilled everything. Heidi interviews that Alex and Jenna were her original alliance (see she never really considered Deena in the group, much though Rob didn't believe that was an issue) and she's not turning on them. So both brainiacs that are "running the game" are actually on the outs with the "Alex and his Bimbos" high school clique at the center of the power…who would have imagined. Guess you shouldn't be making fun of Matt's social game, huh, Rob? And maybe it's not a great idea to help Matthew form an alliance while your own alliance is actually built on sand, huh?
Jenna is PISSED, and tells Alex, and now the Himbo/Bimbo Trio wants Deena gone. Alex gets Rob and asks him about it, and Rob (get this!) goes "How do you know that?" Gee, thanks for telling Alex that you knew about it and you weren't planning on telling him, Tool. So Alex is now also "Matt first, of course, but then…" and thinks Rob will be with him to vote out Deena.
Heidi has a spider bite and her knee is swollen. I only mention this because it's somewhat important down the road.
Treemail! It's the "Immunity or Food" challenge, where you can be eating or competing, but not both. Deena IMMEDIATELY (like before Alex finishes reading the message) says "I'm eating", because she knows she's safe! Alex and Matt need immunity, not her!
Luckily for Deena, she won't get the Super-Deluxe plate of Hubris, because the challenge is actually the gross-food-eating challenge. IT WAS ALL A SWERVE! Two people (the last to finish) will be eliminated each round, and then we will face off for the immunity. First up, grasshopper, extra-large.
Matt, Deena, and Alex rock it with no problem, while Jenna quits early on. Rob and Butch muddle through, and while Christy keeps gagging on hers, she still finishes before Heidi.
Next up, 10 live coconut worms! Matt tilts his bowl and is done almost before Probst says "go". Deena and Alex finish soon after, and Christy doesn't gag this time, so it's by-bye Rob and Butch. Not that they're in danger, anyhow.
Third round is five beetles, extra crispy. Matt chugs away, finishing first, and Christy again struggles with the dry crunchy food, so it's Deena vs. Alex for the second spot in the finale, and Deena pulls it out. She's sitting pretty now, right? If she wins, Matthew goes home, and if he wins, well, there's always Alex…
The final round i s a big, fat, live grub. Pincers removed, but still with its teeth. Jeff says "go", Deena simply defers, and Matt swallows it whole, in two seconds flat. Jeff is amazed he didn't kill it, but Matt says he'll let his digestive juices do that job, "hopefully". And he wins a semi-honest amount of respect from Rob, who goes "this guy is crazy!", flat-out admiration from Butch, Alex, and even Heidi, and a calculated "Good job, Matthew" from Jenna. And, oh, yeah…immunity.
Back at camp, Deena fairly obviously pulls Jenna aside to fill her in on all the stuff she doesn't yet realize that Heidi already filled Jenna in on…two nights ago. Way to go, Deputy D.A. DeGeneres! She's frankly excited about getting rid of Alex:
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| I SO rule. [Fool] |
Let's hear the latest speech from Hubris HQ, shall we?
"Alex needed to win to save his hiney. (Shakes head, grinning.) Didn't happen. My ass would really have had to been on the line today for me to have eaten that grotesque…thing. But everybody is still with me, [so] why even try?" OOOH! OOOH! MIster Kotter, Mister Kotter, I know this one, please? Because Immunity is a constant and people's loyalties are variable, am I right? Am I right?
Deena talks to Jenna, later interviewing that she "convinced" Jenna (given that Jenna does nothing but agree immediately with everything Deena says, you might think that D.A. DeGeneres might get suspicious, but no) and they "seal" it with a pinky-swear. Jenna promptly tells Alex that she's so angry, and interviews that she feels really betrayed and she can't forgive Deena, EVER! Fuck you and your pinky-swear, old woman!
Jenna complains that Deena says she has Rob and thus Matt. Alex notes that if that's true, they're kind of fucked. Deena tells Rob and Christy that Alex is planning a move against them, that the Himbo/Bimbo connection won't be broken. She congratulates herself because Rob has Matt and Matt has Butch, overlooking the part where Rob thought the whole "chain" idea was a big joke. Now it's a weapon, but which way will Rob swing it?
Rob, being Italian ("Cesternino") attempts a mafia metaphor, but give it a rest, kid.
Tribal! Dave is introduced as the first member of the jury, and he doesn't look real happy about it. Hasn't even gone back to clean-shaven, although I think his beard got a trim. Probst asks Heidi about her knee, asks Deena if people are starting to jockey for position, and asks Alex…well, I don't really remember what he asked Alex, since Alex takes the opportunity to question the "ethics" of "stabbing somebody in the back". Probst asks Matt if he needed immunity and Matt demurs (as everyone else tries to keep from laughing in his face), but says he's not giving it up. Alex says he'd love to have immunity because he's here to play (another "rally-the-troops" dog-whistle, as he subtly highlights Deena's quitting in the final round of the immunity) and Deena says if her name comes up, it's because of that grub. Which is actually a good reason to vote for her, since she nearly won and we won't be having that challenge again.
Voting! This is back in the days when we would get to see a bunch of votes each time, so…I'm guessing we see Deena, Jenna, Alex, and maybe Heidi as well. Or Christy to balance the non-"chain" votes out. But Rob/Matt/Butch is the swing, it appears.
Christy votes for Alex, whispering something about his being a threat. Butch votes, unseen. Jenna votes for Deena, giving one of the best High School Revenge speeches ever on this show:
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| "You lied to me and betrayed me. You screwed me. Now, screw you." |
In the words of Xander Harris: "You have to admire the purity of it."
Deena votes for Alex, with more "threat" talk. Matt votes, unseen. Alex votes for Deena, saying "I'd actually love to go up against you in court…because you are the worst liar…I've met in my life." Heidi and Rob vote, both unseen.
Probst goes to masturbate, er, "tally the vote", washes his hands, and returns. The votes go Deena, Deena, Alex, Alex, and they both have pretty good poker faces so far. Then Deena again, then "Denna" (I'm guessing that was Heidi's vote, which is why we didn't hear her speak…the editors didn't want to spotlight her spelling skills) and Deena looks worried now…as she should be, because she's gone.
"Deena, the tribe has spoken. It's time for you to go."
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| Yeah, Jeff, she's already leaving. You really don't need to nag. |
Next time: Rob and the Cool Kids slack, flaunting their power! Jenna and Heidi get sniffly, but Heidi says they are happy tears. Oh, thank nonexistent god.
Deena says she wanted to "change the face of the game" and vote out the threats. Sounds a litlte lesbian-separatist, I think. But, she says, people change, and there are "attachments"…she just hopes "people" (i.e., Jenna) can live with what they've done. Judging from Jenna's speech while voting, I think she's managing to live with it just fine.
It occurs to me that since Deena only saw five votes against her, she may think she lost 5-3, not 6-2. (Nowadays, they'd show the third "Alex" vote to drag out the suspense, but early on they sometimes hid votes to keep the castaways in the dark about things like this.) So perhaps she thinks that only Jenna voted with the guys, not Heidi as well. Still, there's one big clue D.A. DeGeneres really should have caught:
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| Too bad they don't sell brain implants, huh? And thus endeth Team -na. |
WRAP-UP: It's interesting to look back and see Deena (whom I knew was gone all along) actively sow the seeds of her own destruction. She clearly overestimated her pull with the girls' alliance, apparently forgetting that boys are generally the downfall of such plans. And I did like the fire that Jenna brought…for its genre, that was a damn good voting speech.
Leave a comment, or Rob will mock you mercilessly! Of course, he may be oblivious to the fact that he's actually helping your game and hurting his own, but why let logic spoil the fun?
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