And yet more Survivor! Because that's how we roll! (Or something; that's how we wobble?)
Previously on Survivor…there were three tribes, but only Matsuck Mat-stunk. At Poontang, Sneaky Pete dropped RC and Mike from his alliance in favor of Lisa and (sort of) Invisible Artis (not that Pete ever mentioned him), but it's all theoretical unless the Purple Putzes stop losing. Oh, and Abi found the Idol. Woo. Hoo.
At Wounded Knee, everyone wanted to get rid of Jonathan, but he revealed his Idol to Jeff Kent (man, that sounds dirty!) and the former professional baseball player—
Say what? "Former professional baseball player"? Randy "Macho Man" Savage was a "former professional player", having spent a couple of seasons trying to make the St. Louis Cardinals before going into wrestling. Kurt Russell is a "former professional player", having spent a summer on a team his dad owned in Portland one year. How about "former major league baseball player"? How about "former major league baseball star"? How about "former major league baseball superstar"? (Jeff was never the biggest star in the game, but he won a Most Valuable Player award; he was one of the 10 biggest, at least.)
The man's going into the Hall of Fame. A little respect, please, show.
Ahem.
—considered whether to work with Jonathan. In a diving challenge, Matstink was Mat-sunk (that joke would work better on The Amazing Race, where the finish line is actually a mat), and went back to Tribal, halfway to becoming the new Ulong tribe, and Miss Utah Implants was sent home.
(Ironically enough, there was an "Angie" on the original Ulong, as well, but Miss Implants was nothing like her; she's the "Kim" of this tribe, not the Angie.)
Three people have been voted out and are sleeping on mattresses again; fifteen are left. Who will rediscover lumbar support…tonight?
Day 9
God is crying for Matsing, because they suck so very badly. Or, if you're Godless Whore Denise, it's just raining. Again.
For reasons best known to the ediitors' drug dealers, we open with a shot of Malcolm's toes:
 |
| I swear, I thought he had six toes, but that's just an extra fold of skin under the little one. |
The rain has finally put their fire out, and Malcolm can't even restart it with the flint. Malcolm is down, but he says that just one win can turn it around, "that we're not just destined for annihilation"…and that, more than anything makes me think they are so destined, that they are the New Ulong, both because the editors have chosen to introduce the concept of a tribe being totally wiped out (of course, Ulong started with nine, so that was even worse), and also because this interview just takes me back to the many, many interviews that Ulong did along those lines…"it's hard, losing all the time, but just one win…" Of course, in the original, these were usually delivered by Steph with her plucky South Jersey Italian accent, or James in his comic redneck (and sadly, ultimately racist) Alabama tones, or even Bobby Jon mumbling as he looked undeniably sexy, in a brain-damaged-caveman-with-a-heart-of-gold kind of way. But remakes never do quite live up to the original, after all.
Godless Whore Denise says that they try to keep the chatter going, but with only three people, there are silences, and then she can't help but think about how she's going to burn in Hell…I mean, how she's in danger of getting voted out the next time they go to Tribal. Way to be an optimist, slut.
Russell, on the other hand, displaying that old Bobby Jon spirit (although he has yet to push over any trees with his shoulder…yes, Bobby Jon actually did that. Repeatedly), says he thinks they can make the greatest comeback in Survivor history. I think just making the merge would qualify for that, frankly.
Credits (short ones)
At Poontang, the tarp is leaking, which distresses Peter. Oh, you spoiled baby; Nulong doesn't even have a tarp. Blair says they could make fire, but Peter says that's impossible in the rain. Well, not if they create a semi-effective way of sheltering it, like holding a shirt over the fire while someone gets it going…I'd think the larger issue would be the lack of dry wood. Blair says that Survivor players are "Type A" types, and rain frustrates them because it's a sign that "ultimately, we are not in control". Gee, it's a good thing she wasn't around to tell this to the guy who invented the umbrella, huh? Whatever, Closet Lesbian for Jesus. What-ever.
The rain lets up, and Invisible Artis turns off the cloaking device long enough to make fire. Sneaky Pete says that despite the rain, he feels good, and he plans on "creating a lot of chaos out here". You can tell he's bad-ass because his hoodie is salmon, rather than the regulation yellow. (I say that as a joke, but I'm sure production didn't want him wearing it, and he probably had to fight to get to put it on…"it's raining, and I need it. You want me to wear yellow, get me a yellow hoodie. Otherwise, fuck off." So, points for Peter.)
Apeshit Abi spots something sticking out of RC's bag. (Not her funbags, her actual bag.) It's the Immunity Idol clue, which Abi and RC had buried away from camp. Now how did that get there? Abi assumes that RC is a Rotten Cheater and brought the clue back on her own. RC thinks that Abi got the clue and making an alliance with the crazy girl probably was about as good an idea as taking investment advice from Bernie Madoff. Actually, it was Sneaky Pete, living up to his name…Abi had showed him where they hid the clue, so he pocketed it and planted it in RC's bag. Now Abi is mad(der) at RC, and RC doesn't trust Abi and Pete thinks he's sitting pretty.
Scoreboard:
Pete-1
Lazy-Ass Camera Crew (who managed to miss Pete doing all of this)-big fat 0.
At Wounded Knee, Jeff is starting to become more sincere about allying with Jonathan, mainly because the others are kind of young and kind of dumb, which has its advantages, but gets to be frustrating. They bring Possibly-Gay Carter (I mean…I hope he's gay! Casting 18 heterosexuals would just be annoying) into their bro-lliance, and figure they'll target the girls first. Carter, btw, is a track coach. He'll be so sad to learn that Miss Utah Implants (who ran track in high school, she swears) got sent home. Although if he's Actually-Gay Carter, perhaps not so much.
Of course, the guys cleverly make their alliance while they're spending a couple hours out getting clams, just the three of them. So the girls figure out that they're making a Guys' Alliance, and decide to make a Girls' Alliance to counter that. Ah, gender wars. Never far away on this show.
At Nulong, Russell glass-half-fulls (okay more like glass-eighth-fulls) that the three players they lost were useless, anyhow. ("A smoker, a sulker, and a beauty queen.") This just confirms to Malcolm that Russell has no game beyond bull strength and bullish determination, he's incapable of being useful beyond that. Russell has noticed that neither Malcolm nor Denise has bothered asking his help to vote out the other one (should it be needed) and so he properly deduces that if there's another vote, he's in trouble. Even a bull can count to "two", apparently. (One for each front hoof, I suppose.)
He wanders around camp, in the rain, fairly obviously looking for the Idol, which is, after all, "right under your nose". Unfortunately for him, the Matstink version of the Idol is a monkey, not a bull as Wounded Knee's was, and so he doesn't get the benefit of the "bull snout = nose" inference that helped Jonathan so much. He talks about how he's probably been past it 100 times (check) and everybody at home is probably laughting at him (check) and how the editors are probably putting in shots of him going right past it with something to highlight it, "there's a flash on the screen and…"
 |
| "As you wiiiiiiish" |
Check. And, possibly, mate.
During a break in the rain, Denise returns from gathering wood to find Russell poking around under the shelter. Like anybody caught trying to hide something, he explains waaaaay to much, and now Denise is suspicious.
Fortunately for Russell, she's not just a whore (okay "sex therapist"…she probably doesn't sleep with all her clients), she's a dumb whore. She doesn't think Russell was looking for the Idol, she thinks he has it and was checking his hiding place, or something. They search Russell's gear and don't find it (of course) but Malcolm figures this means he should blindside Russell. (I would figure that it meant that it was time to drop Denise and align with the dude with the "Idol", but apparently Malcolm is faithful to the Faithless Whore, after all.)
Day 10
Still at camp. Because why have a reward challenge or anything? Seriously, it's one challenge a show now, that's just stupid. I understand that during the Producer's Island seasons (22-23) they had to bump the reward challenges for the stupid "duels" at Producer's Island, but last season the RCs were back, and they served their traditional functions: fill up screen time, add action, expose sub-alliances and pecking orders in a larger group, and increase opportunities for perceived "momentum". (See Ulong win the reward challenge, enjoy Pringles and daiquiris, and swim in a lake of non-stinging jellyfish! It didn't matter, ultimately, but it was fun.) But no, all we get now is more time spent sitting in the rain. (Yes, three camps instead of two, but the same amount of players. Enough, already.)
Facts of Poontang. RC wants to talk to Abi. Abi doesn't want to talk to RC. Abi is done with RC because RC put the Idol clue in her bag. RC didn't put the clue in her bag. RC asks Peter, Peter says he didn't see anything, RC knows he's lying. RC thinks she might be in trouble, on the 33% chance they lose the challenge, which is even less given how badly Nulong sucks.
So, instead of an RC (Reward Challenge), we get RC (Random Chic) fretting. Wonder-fuckin'-ful. Next!
Jellyfish. Lake. Volcano. Sloooooow panning (editors desperately trying to fill screen time, in other words) followed by a zoom to the Immunity Challenge.
The tribes enter. Jeff announces to Wounded Knee and Poontang that Miss Utah Implants was voted out of Nulong. No one even pretends to give a shit. It's Nulong, after all. They're all gonna go.
It's a coolie-labor challenge, heavy on the bull-strength. You carry pots of rice by having them tied to your yoke, and then break them with a wrecking ball. This should favor Matsing, since Russell and Malcolm are arguably the two strongest guys here. (Peter doesn't seem to be in their class, Artis/Mike/Jonathan are as old as Russell but nowhere near as buff, Carter's a twig, and Jeff Kent's knee is questionable.)
But…along with the Reward Challenges, they've gone and buried that "you can't sit out back-to-back challenges" rule, so Wounded Knee and Poontang each sit out their three ladies, leaving Godless Whore Denise the only Yucky Girl playing. It's like Jeff Probst's wet dream come true. (No, not the one where Andrew Savage is shirtless and lifting him. The other one.)
 |
| While Malcolm and Russell can't help but laugh at how blatantly the show is fucking them over, Denise can't get past the obvious sexism. Me either, whore, me either. |
I mean, one of the awesome things about the Ulong vs. Koror season was that because of the Rule, Koror had to keep constantly rotating their players and they still won eight consecutive immunity challenges (counting the reward portion of the "you're both going to Tribal" challenge, since part of their reward was getting to fuck with Ulong's vote, which is how Angie got sent home despite having a majority alliance) and half of the rewards besides that. It didn't matter whom Koror put out there, they still won, despite Ulong being the seemingly stronger tribe. (One of Ulong's problems was that one of their apparent studs volunteered to be voted off because he rolled his ankle and it swelled up on him. Ironically enough, he was named "Jeff".) Even when it was just Bobby Jon and Stephenie, two of the best competitors the show has ever had, they still couldn't win to save their ass, whomever they had to compete against. (Lost the reward to Tom and Ian, lost their last immunity to Greg and Coby.)
But now, Probst (and the other producers) are just letting Abi and Dawson sit out every fucking challenge. They haven't had to break a sweat since episode 1. And there's no reason on earth why Wounded Knee and Poontang shouldn't be required to match Nulong's gender roster (2 male, 1 female), the way that tribes are required to during the sports-themed challenges. Very annoying.
Malcolm gets off to a fast start, being the only guy able to load a rice pot on his yoke with each hand, simultaneously, while Mike and Carter have to do it in two trips. And then Carter trips at the start and breaks one of his pots, having to reload.
Malcolm finishes (as Jeff notes, this is the first time Matstink has led, in anything) with Mike a little behind, and Carter still struggling on the course. Russell finishes his leg while Invisible Artis is being very tentative on the course (perhaps he's worried that leaving footprints will give away his existence?) and Jonathan is only now getting the yoke from Carter.
So it's all up to the whore with the silly lady-parts and no Y chromosomes, huh? Pete passes her before she even finishes the first part of the course:
Fortunately for Nulong, Wounded Knee is far enough behind that Jeff is only getting back to the starting line (winded from having to crawl under the course on the return leg) as Poontang and Matstink have reached the finish mats and can begin smashing pots. In a bit of luck for Matsuck, only one tribe member needs to smash the pots rather than everyone taking a turn. Which not only relieves Denise from having to look like a silly girl, but Russell doesn't seem to be ready to take a swing, either:
Artis breaks a pot. Malcolm breaks a pot. Artis tosses a curveball that would impress the heck out of Jeff Kent (if he weren't still crawling through the muck), taking out a pot and nailing another on the backswing. Malcolm gets a second pot. Wounded Knee finally gets to the mat, and Jeff slips trying to get the wrecking ball. (Perhaps not the job for the guy with the bad knee? But he should be pretty damn accurate, I'm thinking.) Artis kills a fourth pot. Malcolm gets his third. Kent bags his first. Artis kills his fifth pot.
Malcolm gets his fourth pot, and Nulong is only two pots away from shedding that name. Jeff kills a second pot. Artis takes out Poontang's last pot and they win immunity, steak, vegetables, spices and utensils. (Second place also gets veggies, spices, and a pot; if Matsing holds on, they can choose a tarp instead; Poontang can even grab a second tarp, if Peter is that pouty about the leak in theirs.)
Jeff apparently killed a third pot while we weren't looking, and now he pulls off an even-more-impressive doubleheader than Artis did, taking out one pot with the wrecking ball while the *chain* takes out a second as it swings by. (Not the strongest pots in the Philippines, I'm thinking. But Wounded Knee is in trouble because the papier-mache pot broke when Carter dropped it, so this is fair.) Suddenly he only has one left…
…but Probst says he has two? Huh? What, the second pot from the left isn't considered "broken" enough or something? Gee, perhaps we could have skipped the lastest chapter of RC and Abi's Lesbian Divorce and explained the fucking challenge properly, instead? (When they do a "smash/shoot the tiles" challenge, Jeff is always scrupulous in explaining how many of the corners/connections have to be severed for the tile to be considered "broken".) So Matstink is still in front after all.
Malcolm gets his fifth pot. Jeff Kent nails the last undamaged pot, and apparently has to finish off the wounded one, or something. Malcolm winds up, and, like any good Ulong in the clutch…chokes
But…Jeff Kent only fouls his off, clipping the side of the still-intact pot (huh?) and not breaking it. So Malcolm gets a second chance…and misses worse than before.
Kent winds up, swings, and…hits the side again.
The pot tips over, but does not break
…until the ball takes it out on the backswing, giving Wounded Knee veggies, spices, a pot…and, oh yeah, immunity.
 |
| That's a strange definition of "six", show. |
As you can see, there are clearly eight pots, not six. So the coolies made four runs, not three, which probably explains why Jeff was dragging ass getting back to home base (although he still made it to the mat ahead of Jonathan and Carter after the final crawl through the course) and Russell was face down in the muck…they both probably made *two* runs through the course for their team. (With either Peter or Mike doing double-duty for Poontang.) Which means all my pot-counting was inaccurate. I hate when the show blatantly edits the challenges this way. (Another point for Big Brother; the Head of Household competition is almost always done live. Sure, sometimes Julie Chen announces the wrong winner, but at least you see what happened.)
 |
| Russell slumps in exhaustion and defeat, as Dawson, who hasn't competed in over a week, daintily picks her way through the mud, behind him. |
 |
| Spotless Poontang girls congratulate stinky Poontang men. |
See, girls are just here to look pretty (and have failed lesbian marriages), you can't ask them to *compete* or anything! They're too fragile! Survivor is a man's game, man. (Sometimes I hate this fucking show.)
Russell also seems to hate the show, albeit not only for the sexism. He roars, breaks the last Matsing pot (too late, dude),mutters "same old crap", and volubly asks God, why? God answers "Because it's fun! Same reason I'm letting 925,000,000 people [according to the World Health Organization] go hungry every day! I'm a sadistic bastard, can't you tell?"
Oh, okay, God doesn't say that. Because He doesn't actually exist. (Spoil my fun.)
Probst seeks to spoil Russell's fun, being all "Dude, people lose. You're not Superman," but Russell is like "God gave me this body for a reason!" (Doesn't ironic mockery count as "a reason" any more?) The other tribes are getting annoyed at him, but hey, they don't get a vote. The only people who get to vote are the ones who think Russell has an Idol.
Poontang takes the food (spicy Brazilian Abi wants those spices!) and Wounded Knee goes for the tarp, even though they already have one. Maybe it's one tarp for the boys and one for the girls?
And Nulong heads home, en route to their inevitable fate.
Malcolm tells Russell he's voting for Denise, and tells Denise he's voting for Russell, and tells us he doesn't know what to do. And that Denise and Russell have probably "agreed" to vote him out (as we witness Russell tell Denise how he got bullied, finally beat one of the bullies up, and learned not to live in fear of failure), so who knows what's happening?
Probst welcomes the Purple Putzes (only Russell is actually wearing purple, now…I wonder if he got to choose his tribe's color?) to their Perennial Palace of Pain and Punishment. Russell says he had a therapy session with Denise (bam-chicka-bam-bam! Okay, not that kind of "therapy"), and decided there's nothing wrong with expecting his best every time. Malcolm says he screwed up the challenge, and it was one thing when you could blame an out-of-breath InZane and two non-competitive silly girls, but now the studs lost, and that hurts even more.
Probst asks them to campaign. Denise says she's going to be useful socially if they merge. Malcolm says they have to win, and he has more stamina than Russell and more strength than Denise. (Despite his choking today.) We skip Russell talking about his strength and Probst asks him why vote Malcolm out, and Russ compliments him by saying "threat". Probst asks Malcolm why ditch Denise, and both the guys say that she's a lock in front of a Jury, that they'll offer to pay the taxes on her Survivor winnings for her. Dudes, she probably won't even *make* the Jury, much less face it. You're all a five-minute segment on the reunion show…if you're lucky.
Voting! Russell votes for "Malcom", citing the "threat" factor. Huh. I guess Denise really does have a bulletproof social game, after all. Malcolm votes "Russ", so it's up to Denise. I really don't think there's much chance of her swinging away from her alliance with Malcolm (especially since Russell was too authentically worried during her chat with him to be holding an Idol), so not much drama here. If I were the editors, I wouldn't have shown any votes.
With only three votes to "tally", Probst doesn't even have time to lube up. He just imagines the smell of James's musk until the producers hand him the urn. Probst asks if anyone's playing an Idol as Malcolm looks straight at Russell, but Denise does not. Evidence she switched her vote? Or just her playing it close to the chest?
First vote is for Russell, which worries him, because he thought/hoped that Malcolm and Denise were voting for each other. The "Malcom" vote comes next, but Malcolm looks far less worried by this. (He knows it didn't come from Denise, since she presumably can spell his name.) And then Denise votes out…Russell.
Russ sighs, gets snuffed, and in his final words, tells us it was frustrating and he's done with Survivor. Don't cry, Russell…make the bullies cry! (I think this means I'm urging Russell to punch out Probst, but I'm okay with that.)
And so Bobby Jon and Stephenie are left alone, again. Only this time she's older and boring, and he's personable, but a bit generic. (And not really Bobby Jon; Russell was Bobby Jon,…and, sort of, James. Bobby Jon didn't have that ego. Malcolm is probably what Ulong's Jeff would have been, if he didn't wimp off with that bad ankle.)
WRAP-UP:
Okay, let's do the full "Matsing = Ulong" comparison chart, while I'm here:
Russell = Bobby Jon
Denise = Stephenie
Malcolm = Jeffy hurt his ankle!
Angie = Kim
Zane = James
Roxanne = Jolanda, sort of
Not cast this time: Ashley (Katie could be her, though), Angie (Dana?) and Ibrehem (Artis, all day long) I'll cast the other nine as Koror next episode. (Jeff Kent is Tom, Carter is Ian, Peter is Greg, Abi is Katie…is Penner Willard? or Coby?)
Leave a comment or Russell will knock over a tree on you. It's God's PLAN, y'all!
No comments:
Post a Comment