More Survivor? Yes. Evidently, I can't survive without it.
Previously on Survivor: We had three tribes, but only Russell's Purple Putzes sucked butt. They couldn't even find the Idol. Meanwhile at Wounded Knee, the bros bro-ed up, and the girls swore to fight back. And at Poontang, Apeshit Abi had the Idol, but Sneaky Pete felt he was in control.
When Matstink continued it's season-long Ulong impression, Jeff (aka "Malcolm") and Stephenie (aka "Godless Whore Denise") voted out Bobby Jon (aka "Russell…no, not that Russell") and found themselves left alone. They few, they band of buggered. (Can two people constitute a "band"?)
Four Nulongs have been voted out and are eating goverrnment-inspected food again. Fourteen are left…will it be Malcolm or Denise who is freed from the threat of intestinal parasites…tonight?
Night 12 back at Russellvania, er, Mass-stink, and it's cold. (Malcolm can't cuddle with Godless Whore Denise because he didn't bring enough cash.) Denise is fantasizing about Tribal shuffles and such, but Malcolm (who says he expected a camp of two on Day 39, not Night 10, not that Probst will ever get rid of the asinine 3-player finales, no matter that not one of those has been competitive) doesn't say anything; he remembers Ulong, and even alludes to it in an interview. Still, he Pollyannas about "don't count us out yet", because…well, what else can he do? (Prepare for the inevitable fire-building challenge once he and Denise lose the immunity challenge? Find the Idol? Yeah, okay. But still.)
Credits, short ones again. There goes my hope that they were alternating long and short credits.
Day 11
It's still raining, and Malcolm complains that they don't have a tarp. It's Survivor, wimp sauce…suck it up. Also, you've had 10 days to make a better shelter than that Day 1 lean-to…where are the side walls? The extra insulation? The woven roof?
What the do get is a treemail about…OMG, a REWARD CHALLENGE! Finally. (Jesus.) Denise is still dreaming that there's going to be a merge/swap/draft/anything to get me the fuck away from this hellhole, so she optimistically assumes that this is their last time at camp, their last chance to search for the Idol. Of course, where to search? Only Russell got the "It's the fucking rice box, fool!" note, not them.
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| Literally and figuratively true. |
Malcolm-Can't-Be-In-The-Middle (because with only two people, "middle" doesn't exist, get it?) decides the Idol would be in some part of the camp that was there before the Purple Putzes arrived. (Logical.) He realizes that, besides the trees, the only thing that was here before them was the rice box, and they make a beeline for it…and take the lid off to check inside.
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| "That ornate carving? Not significant, let's check the rice!" |
They keep moving the lid out of the way to look around, as the cameraman valiantly avoids giggling. I wonder if they taunt the castaways during interviews? ("So, you haven't found the Idol, yet, huh?" (snicker-giggle-snicker) "Tell us how you feel about that, dumbass. Oh, did I say 'dumbass' out loud? My bad, I meant 'Malcolm'.")
And the funny keeps on coming:
Until Malcolm goes and spoils my fun and finally finds the damn thing.
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| Whore, you are so fucked. (Pardon the expression.) |
Oh, well. Nothing lasts forever.
Reward Challenge! It's only set up for two tribes, and the purple color is noticeably absent. Probst tells Malcolm and Denise to drop their buffs because Matsuck has been "decimated", which proves he doesn't know what that word means. Also, boo on the producers for wimping out like this. Make the last two Matstinks go down fighting!
(Although it makes sense that Ulong kept circling the drain until only Stephenie was left to join the one opposing tribe, but with two other tribes here, the two last Purple Putzes would get split up. But this means they only lost four immunity challenges. Big deal. Foa Foa [the tribe Russell's Galu squad kept beating in Samoa…Purple Power!] lost more than that.)
Malcolm draws the yellow buff and Apeshit Abi's cooch practically sighs with delight. Godless Whore Denise goes to join Wounded Knee, which is bad news for Jonathan and the boys if a gender split actually holds up.
The Challenge is basically a slapfight. You're each holding an idol on a plate, and you want to knock the other player's idol off. Best of nine, winners get coffee/tea/muffins/cookies. Because you need a sugar rush to deal with this crap, trust me.
Round 1 is Malcolm vs. Jeff, and Malcolm uses his greater reach to lean over and knock Jeff's idol high in the air.
However, that just brings him within Jeff's reach, and Kent knocks Malcolm's Idol to the ground while his is fluttering in the breeze.
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| "Line drives drop quicker than fly balls, dude. Um, not that I played baseball or anything." |
Wounded Knee 1, Poontang 0.
Invisible Artis uses his reach (not to mention his invisibility) to easily slap Dana's idol off, but Katie does the same to Lisa, and Wounded Knee leads 2-1.
Jonathan vs. Mike, and Mike, no dummy, simply tosses his own idol high in the air and tackles Jonathan's to the ground while waiting for his to fall.
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| It's all about the hang time, baby. |
Denise promptly steals Mike's move and overcomes RC's height advantage. This is the first time that anyone from Mass Stink has won anything. Carter raises his eyebrows at Pete and winks a bit, but Pete's more interested in the reward than coming over to Carter's pad for a rubdown, so he slaps the idol away from Carter, and we're even at 3.
Abi vs. Dawson. Battle of the girls who haven't competed in anything since Day Fucking 3. They both fall on their face getting into the ring and are disqualified. No, wait, that's wrong…what actually happens is that Dawson, unencouraged by Jonathan's "Send her up Dawson's Creek!" cheer—
(James Van Der Beek writes Jonathan a note:
"Dear former TV star Jonathan Penner,
Unlike you, I actually still have a career, including a new show on ABC. Therefore, I don't need the royalty payments. Thanks for the thought, though.
Say 'hi' to Tea Leoni for me.
Love, James")
—well, Dawson decides to live down to the "useless girl" cliche by pulling hair.
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| Sigh. |
This brilliant strategy leads to her dropping her own idol off of its platform, Jeff Probst's "Abi with a nice move" blather notwithstanding. But it's clearly a weird day for Jeff…i mean, he's wearing a *black* shirt, for Vecepia's sake!
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Malcolm vs. Jeff Kent again, and the well-named Poontang cheers the new kid on.
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| Yep, I was right. You actually can see Abi's vag crack though the wet, yellow, bikini bottom. Stay classy, CBS. |
Malcolm and Jeff fence for a bit, and then Mal Skupins his way to victory. Poontang grabs the grub, Probst rubs it in about how Denise just keeps on losing (she won her only round, whereas Malcolm was .500, but whatever, you gynophobic dick), and Jonathan interviews that he likes Denise, but he would much rather have had Malcolm, since now his tribe is out-studmuffined. (Well, Carter might be half Artis's size, but he's about 1/3 his age, so if there's an endurance component, they might still be okay.)
At Poontang, Malcolm is worried that as the new kid, he's first on the block, but that's not an issue. Everybody hates each other and is fighting over him. RC pouts that Peter seems to be bromancing Malcolm and goes to frolick in the surf, but still says nice things to Malcolm, while Not-So-Sneaky Pete blabs about having the Idol and says now Malcolm makes it possible for them to lose Mike and not be lacking in strength. (Of course, it also means they could lose Peter and still be okay, strength-wise…)
At Wounded Knee, Katie interviews (a FEMALE, being interviewed? Does Jeff Probst know about this?) that Denise gives the girls the numbers…she hopes.
Dana is aching, shaking, and runs off to puke. Jonathan interviews that he's covered in nice, healthy blubber (I think he may even have carbed-up, deliberately, to prepare). but Dana is skinny and can't take the freezing rain all the time. They wrap her in the "blanket" (their second tarp), with Jonathan's "get out of those wet clothes" suggestion not entirely creepy (but still creepy), but she can't get better and medical is called in. Hey, it's the theme of the season, right? This may be Dana's ticket back for Survivor 37: We've Run Out of Good Players.
Probst is on the boat, and he tells Dana "give me the update", like she isn't in severe pain. Sadly, she doesn't "update" her cookies all over his face.
They have medical check her out, and while she has severe abdominal pains, the doc thinks they could try another 12 hours and see what's happening. Probst almost taunts Dana, saying that medical only pulls people in (potentially) life-threatening cases, so is she going to continue, or quit like a wimpy little bitch? (He doesn't quite use those words, but the implication is there.)
After the nonexistent ads, Dana tanks it. Probst is like "you wanna go talk to the tribe?" not bothering to notice that Dana can't get up, can barely form words, and has her face covered because of pain (and thanks to Jeff, shame). He keeps trying to push her, going "how do you want to go out?" and "let's finish this adventure on your terms" and all the macho-honor-bullshit that only a man who has never actually spent a fucking night sleeping on a beach can spew. Not surprisingly, she doesn't respond, just hoping this asshole goes away.
So since she's too much of a weakling to go give a valedictory speech, he calls Wounded Knee over and they give words of encouragement (Jeff Kent gives a simple and honest "You pushed yourself as hard as you could, and we're proud of you") while Dana huddles, sobbing, in a ball. Ugh.
(At Probst's urging, Jonathan recounts his own evacuation experience, which I'm sure Dana really cares about right now. For fuck's sake.)
Eventually, they let her go (thank nonexistent god) and Katie and Dawson mourn the loss of the numbers for their girl-alliance. Denise does not, as she does not yet know that the girl-alliance exists.
On to the immunity challenge! (Well, probably one or two days later, given that it's not raining and the challenge area looks bone-dry, but eventually. Have you noticed that they never have to read the treemail and the stupid rhymes any more? Yeah, don't miss that so much.) Poontang is shocked to see that Dana is gone, which Probst, in his classy and not at all sexist way, completely blames her for. ("Dana felt she was too sick to continue. She pulled herself from the game." No mention of Dana's physical symptoms or anything like that. No, she's just a wimp. Stupid wimmen!) He also rubs dirt on Dana's memory by pointing out that this gives Poontang a numbers advantage. (Oh, 7-to-6! I'm so scared! Whatever, douchebag.)
The challenge is an obstacle course, followed by a puzzle. Pretty much normal, in other words. Someone from Poontang has to sit out, and, of course, it's Abi. Probst almost calls her on this, then remembers that she's hot, and she has an Idol, so she's probably going to be here for a while, and there's no point in destroying her edit, at least not yet.)
Instead, he decides to destroy Katie's edit. It's true that Miss Delaware sucks climbing the first two hills of the obstacle course, but then Wounded Knee makes up most of that time as Denise and Carter rock the rope-untying (the ropes are at two levels, elevated and ground-level; only two tribe members can do the higher ones, but everyone can work below), only to fall behind again when Carter, Jonathan and Dawson struggle with their lower rope. (Denise and Jeff and, yes, Katie, did just fine on their side.) But Probst somehow blames Katie for this, too…"[Wounded Knee] still suffering from the beginning with Katie!"
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| "How has this guy ever had sex with a woman? He's SUCH a dick" |
Fuck you, Probst.
Malcolm chops through a block of wood by the time Jonathan finally undoes the ropes, and Poontang starts collecting puzzle pieces. Wounded Knee loses more time when Jeff Kent ken't chop the wood and Jonathan has to relieve him. So, all of the Wounded Knee guys have had their failures (Carter and Jonathan with the second bunch of ropes; Jeff on the woodchopping), but of course, Probst wouldn't be Probst if he couldn't find a girl to berate/blame:
"[Poontang] with a big head start [on the puzzle] and it still goes back to the first leg of this challenge [despite the team making most of that time back and bleeding the time at other places]…Katie could not get over the mound!" I really hate that asswipe, sometimes.
Meantime, Lisa has figured out the first word:
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| "Leave! Pleather! Needy!" |
Apparently nobody has told Lisa that with 19 letters, you can make a LOT of words. No guarantee that any of them will be in the puzzle, though.
Lisa was a little loud with her telling Pete the word, so Jonathan goes down the same path. Eventually, they both figure it out, and Poontang wins by, like, one second. Penner, reading from Probst's cue cards (but not including the "Girls smell funny!!" Probst wrote in crayon on the edges) says that it was Katie's being slow and Dawson fighting him for the puzzle pieces that cost them, and being down two players at this stage in the game may be insurmountable. Yes, Jonathan, if there is a merge at 12, and you can't turn factions on Poontang against each other, and you can't use your Idol wisely, and you personally can't win immunity, then you could be in trouble. Thanks for playing, here's a copy of The Girls are All Out to Get Me; Jeff Probst's Guide to Paranoia for you to enjoy. Sigh.
It turns out that this is actually
Day 13
…and, back at Wounded Knee, Katie has apparently drank too much of Probst's Kool-Aid and is down on herself. But Dawson points out that Denise isn't really part of their tribe (and she's now 0-for-6 in challenges…just saying).
However, Denise is off getting water with Jeff, and he offers her the fourth spot in their alliance. So much for that idea. In an interview, Jonathan confirms that Denise was "a beast" in the challenge, and the other two sucked. It's Katie or Dawson.
The boys send the girls scattering (Jonathan: "Dawson, we need more firewood") and confer. Carter says that Katie is "checked out" mentally, but Jeff (Kent) rebels against Jeff (Probst)'s Official Blame-Katie Narrative, and blames Dawson for not getting out of Jonathan's way during the puzzle phase. Jonathan is non-commital; interviewing that Katie sucked today, but Dawson was no great shakes, and she's been Queen of the Sit-Out so far.
Later (maybe, or maybe the editors just decided to put this segment in here), the tribe is in the shelter and Dawson jokes about dating "an athlete", saying that would be football or basketball…"maybe, at the end, baseball" She's enjoying tweaking Jeff Kent (knowing his secret and all), but of course she's pissing him off and making him wonder if she knows anything.
The boys reconfer, but we don't see their decision. Jeff interviews that Dawson knowing who he is could be a problem. He doesn't phrase this conditionally; did they edit out his "IF" or did she actually tell him she knows?
Tribal. Denise brings along her old, worn-out vagina, er, torch! I meant torch! The others light up, allowing Probst to give The Fire Speech, again. "In this game, fire represents your penis. As long as you have fire, you are a man! Lose it, and you might as well be an icky girl. Ew. Girls stink!"
Or…something like that.
Probst calls on Dawson to mourn Dana, and Jonathan says they would have won today's challenge if Dana was stlll there. (Perhaps only because Apeshit Abi would have had to have played, rather than sit out, again, some more.) Probst tells Katie to grovel about how much she sucked, and she (sadly) does, prompting this face from Carter:
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| Yep. Gay. Or possibly a fish. |
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| Well, she's certainly keeping Jeff's spirit of Camp up. Maybe HE's the gay guy on the tribe? |
Jeff asks Jeff what's important, and he lists a lot of stuff, including working around camp. Which causes Dawson to drop her eyes, feeling this is aimed at her, apparently. Another shiftless Negro, I guess. Man, they're all around! (Survivor, fighting racial stereotyping since 2000. Just not doing it well.) I guess Dawson should have spent less time chewing out Pacey for being a backstabber, huh?
(Hey, I might not get to do any more of these jokes. Get them while they're still almost-fresh.)
Voting! We don't see any votes, which probably means that Katie and Dawson voted futilely for Denise and there wasn't any point in trying a misdirect with that. Probst goes to masturbate while the editors try and think anything that has more punch than "Denise, Denise, four votes for either Katie or Dawson, whichever one they're kicking out". They are somewhat distracted by Jeff's cracking his belt like a whip and going "bad Osten! Nobody likes a quitter!", though.
Jeff washes his hands and returns, asking about the Idol, to no response, of course. We see a vote for Denise and one for Dawson. Ah, clever, editors! Now we have suspense…did Katie futilely throw a vote Dawson's way and is about to be buried? Or is it going to be Dawson and Katie just joined the crowd? Or is Dawson going out 4-2, and they just hid a "Denise" vote to heighten the suspense? Let's see.
Two more Dawson votes, her head sinks, and Denise (who had no clue if she was really safe, after all) smiles a little. Oh and Jeff Kent smirks a bit. Don't relax yet, she could spill it on the way out…
But she takes her fourth vote, goes "wow", heads up to Probst to get snuffed, and doesn't say anything else. Probst seems to hold the snuffer for an extra beat, giving her the opportunity to blow up Jeff's spot, but she just kisses his cheek, hugs him, and leaves. As we see the votes (yes, Katie was clued in enough to join the Dawson-voting crowd), she says that she's hoping Jeff wins so she can shake him down for some gear. And that Jen Linley is going to be sorry she dumped her and she's going to get a much better girlfriend, anyway! "And, unfortunately, nothing like you." Awww.
(To be clear, I love that speech, petulant teen though it is.)
Next time: Artis is pissed! And everybody else wonders when Artis got here.
WRAP-UP: I have to wonder if somebody didn't at least cough a bit when Malcolm and Denise kept missing the Idol. Probst was an utter dick with Dana, and I'm torn between enjoying seeing the "our girls' alliance is bulletproof!" plan fall to pieces and saddened at having Probst's sexism reconfirmed by the default back to "women are weak! Get rid of them!". Not that it needs much reconfiriming, I'm sure.
Leave a comment, or Poontang will steal your cookies! Except for Abi, she's just going to sit it out.
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